“In Soviet Russia, Communist conspiracies conspire against YOU!!”
A communist conspiracy is a plot hatched by those who hate Grandma, apple pie, flags, and everything else American. The distinguishing feature of a communist conspiracy is that those who expose it to the red-blooded American public inevitably seem crazy. This is a built-in security mechanism of the plot.
Communist conspiracies through time
The first one
The first communist conspiracy was of course communism itself. In 1864 Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels, Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and several other delegates of the Communist Party convened to found communism. As the word causes Red Scare, nausea, and diarrhea in natural-born U.S. citizens, President Andrew Jackson decided to name it the Democratic Party instead. The communistic agenda has infiltrated American politics ever since.
In Roman times
A very long time ago, a communist conspiracy was hatched against Julius Caesar. Caesar was despised by much of the patrician class of soviet-socialist-republican Rome, and the communist leadership knew his continued hold on power would turn their utopian republic into an American capitalist-swine empire. On the Ides of March, "they" summoned Caesar to the Senate so that they could more readily kill him. When Caesar saw his old friend Decimus Junius Brutus Albinus wielding a dagger, he said his most famous line of all: "Why, Brutus, you look positively French in that pose! Are you about to slice me a wedge of Brie?"
"They" might say this communist conspiracy predates the aforementioned first communist conspiracy, but they are communist conspirators who would pull the wool over everyone's eyes. The concept of time, as part of the theory of the space-time continuum, and the rules of deductive logic are just two more communist conspiracies meant to keep Americans from knowing the truth.
The communist conspirators have become very good at discrediting those who expose their machinations as frauds, cranks, morons, and treacherous spies.
In 1913 "they" devised paranoid schizophrenia. This was a scientific-sounding way to describe someone as insane. Specifically, people with paranoid schizophrenia are insane for talking about communist conspiracies and all the trouble these communists are up to anyway. Psychiatrists and well-meaning but pinko communist liberals are the agents who "out" meddlesome individuals as paranoid schizophrenics. The first man diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia was Senator Joseph Raymond McCarthy. Perhaps the prototypical example of the treatment of those who uncover communist conspiracies is the 1998 movie A Beautiful Mind, which documents the life of John Forbes Nash, a hero of red-blooded Americans all over the world.
The irony of it all
When "they" created the conspiracy of paranoid schizophrenia, they realized that with their prior conspiracy of logic having permeated the public's imagination, having paranoid schizophrenia without other schizophrenias would make no sense; anyway what is paranoid? So they made up a few more types of schizophrenia, which no one ever hears of because they only exist so that there being a paranoid schizophrenia makes any sense at all. Here are their revised definitions:
- Paranoia: The irrational fear of communist conspiracy.
- Schizophrenia: A dangerous and extreme kind of mental illness that means anything a person so diagnosed says should not be taken seriously.
- Paranoid schizophrenia: An extreme and dangerous mental illness in which a person believes they have uncovered communist conspiracies. This is impossible because communists do not exist (only kindly all-American liberals) and even if they did exist, they would not conspire in the shadows against patriotic Americans.
- Grandiose schizophrenia: The irrational belief in religion or a "Higher Power" other than the dictatorship of the proletariat.
- Furry schizophrenia: The irrational belief that one is a furry (and that's always irrational!).
- Postal schizophrenia: The irrational belief that one's work or social milieu is dissatisfying in some way with the co-occurrent need to shoot one's coworkers and boss in a blaze of violent insanity.
The myth that they are gone
Communists are still very much a part of our lives. Some believe that the "collapse" of the Soviet Union has brought an end to their power, but this is just another communist conspiracy. They have gone underground and still infect the very organs of national and international power. They have deflected attention from themselves and their conspiratory ways by hatching a new plot: terrorism. Osama bin Laden and September 11 are communist conspiracies, as is the election of Barack Obama.
- Applebaum, Ann Gulag: a New History Harvard University Press. 2007