Computer gnomes

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The only known photo of a computer gnome.

Computer Gnomes are magical beasties that live inside computers symbiotically with the Pixies that make the computer work.

They are known to sometimes be good, and sometimes be evil. They can cause programs that didn't work one moment to suddenly start working the next, even though the user had changed absolutely nothing. Sometimes however they get angry, and break stuff inside the computer with their little hammers. This is what causes things in computers to stop working for no apparent reason. It is also believed that computer gnomes are the main culprits behind data loss. For example, the research project you spent countless hours on instantly vanishes into the void that was once your work.

The GNOME desktop environment [1] is named after computer gnomes.

Computer Gnome Singing[edit]

If you press your ear close to the computer fan you may hear very faintly the merry singing of the computer gnomes within.

Hi ho hi ho its off to break a computer we go
Those bloody humans have no clue
An electron here and turn the screw!

The lyrics are derivable from the laws of quantum mechanics, which also predict such lyrics as:

Ding dong, the witch is in a quantum state of superposition between dead and alive!

Pacifying the Gnomes[edit]

Getting on the right side of computer gnomes is essential in order to ensure success when working with computers.

Power-users are encouraged to sew little hats, shoes, and jerkins for them and post them through the floppy drive. Given that within the computer gnome society, it is the women who give the orders, other people have suggested leaving out tiny dildos for the gnome women to pleasure themselves with. Another recommendation has been the supplement of viagra, which would keep both the male and female gnomes otherwise occupied.

Hackers identify themselves to unfamiliar computer gnomes with the secret words "FooBar RAM CPU!". They tend to do this when noones looking.

The Quest for Evidence[edit]

Nobody has yet found any evidence for computer gnomes but that doesn't matter as all computer scientists agree that the gnomes exist anyway. Nevertheless an investigation has been launched in order to try to capture photographic evidence of them, and with the advent of digital photography and gnome-traps it is hoped that the first images will soon be taken and published.

It should be noted that the gnomes are very cunning, and have on occasion broken internet communication between 'gnome hunters' when they feel humans are getting close, so caution is recommended. If you find there is difficulty in viewing this page, that would be because the computer gnomes do not wish for their existence to become public knowledge. So please - spread the word.

See Also[edit]