Comrade (Russian: Товарищ [Tovarish]) is a grammatical concept in Russia to identify when the subject or object of a statement is a person rather than an actual object. It is used to prevent confusion or capitalist thoughts while speaking.
Comrade is always used to identify a person, even if it means using the word multiple times in a sentence. Example: Hello, comrade, how are you doing, comrade?
It is used standalone as an indicator under all circumstances except for when the person being referred to has some other sort of Party-approved title. In this case comrade is added as a prefix to the title, indicating that the title is being used to refer to a person rather than the post itself. Example: The Comrade Junior Cieling Fan Inspection Engineer is incompetent and foolish.
It is also grammatically accepted to just insert the word randomly into a sentence, as studies have shown that the use of the word produces Party-aligned goodthink in the average prole's mind. Example: Does the monkey understand that throwing comrade fecal matter is not good for its health?
Comrade is always used, though there are a few misconceptions for when it should be used due to the definition of person varying from person to person, as most every person has a personal view on what constitutes a person.
A few entities the State does not regard as people but are commonly mistaken for such are listed below for convenience.
- Pet dogs
- Americans (including American communists)
- Mao Zedong
As well, the word comrade may optionally be replaced by cosmonaut if the speaker outranks the speak-ee. The most famous occurrence of this was by Comrade Premier Romanov in Yuri's Revenge, which set a precedent for replacing the word that survives even today.
Western use of the word
Many capitalists use the word comrade in a mocking or satyrical fashion, and some pinkos use the word to refer to each other. This is considered by true communists to be almost as bad a crime as being born capitalist, and in Soviet Russia it is punished by immediate deportation to the Gulags in northern Siberia.
Comrades on a plane
Much like snakes, comrades take on an entirely new significance when they are on a plane. Exactly why, no one knows. This phenomenon has popularly and possibly accurately been blamed on the Mexican Staring Frog since Brezhnev's death.