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“Habemus Maximam Prophetam”

~ Alicia Keys on on being selected High Prophetess by the Most Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster

“I'm holy, I'm holy, I'm holy!!!!!

~ Alicia Keys on right afterward

Conclave is a meeting of cardinals to decided who will succeed to the Papacy. Usually, an undead cardinal vampire is elected, but notable exceptions have occurred (George Bush was once elected, but he declined saying "I don't give a damn about Catholics.").

Conclaves are always carried out under great secrecy. This has led to speculation that they incorporate such uncardinal-like acts as group hugs and—at worst—orgies.

All cardinals refuse to reveal what goes on within a conclave with the excuse that they will be excommunicated for doing so. In reality, they are probably afraid to divulge the truth: that conclaves are really just big meetings of the League of Carnal Cardinals.

At the end of a conclave, the one elected Pope lights his fartss to produce white smoke, which is let out of the chimney above the Sistine Chapel. Because not every new Pope is capable of producing white smoke from his arse, sometimes another cardinal may stand in (e.g. Cardinal Pullmyfinger did it in 1923) In the case where the necessary colour is not achieved, this can cause consternation for the eager news crews outside in Vatican square. As a result, Pope John Paul 2.0 suggested that St Peter's bells be rung also. This takes much of the pressure off the new Pope to produce perfect farts.

It is sometimes suggested that the new Pope drinks a suspension of burned Papal ballots in Pepsi(which we all know is the drink of the devil) to produce the fart gases which burn to make white smoke. With the advent of the ringing of bells, this practice is likely to fade away.