Conio.h

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Conio.h (sometimes called CONIO.H) is an include file found in C programming environments on MS-DOS and Windows systems. By way of Extremely Clever Preprocessor Voodoo (ECPV), it converts any Microsoft C compiler into a QBASIC compiler:

Without CONIO.H, you only have the incredibly difficult-to-use C programming language:

#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <conio.h>
#define MICROSOFT  exit
#define pie        (1-1)
#define a
#define cherry
#define on
#define PATRONUM )() = { printf }
#define please     EOF
#define pretty     ( 
#define top        ==
#define EXPECTO int(*writeSomethingToScreen[   ]
#define with

int main(int argc, char **argvvv[]) {
   /* Say the magic words */
   EXPECTO PATRONUM;
   while (please) {
     /* Other magic words are nice too. */
     MICROSOFT pretty please with a cherry on top (****************writeSomethingToScreen)("%s\n", &pie["Hello, World!"]));
   }
} 

Output:

Hello World

With it, Microsoft's advanced QBASIC language instantly becomes available!

#include <conio.h>

10 PRINT "Hello, World!"
GOTO 10
IF CANTFIND(10) THEN
  GET DIRECTIONSTO(10)
END IF
IF STILLCANTFIND(10) THEN
  DEF SEG = 0
  DEFJAM = SUP
  POKE PEPE, PEEK(PANTIES)
END IF
MIKEE = HANDSOME

Output:

Hello, Philippines!

...and about a pint of semen.

Name[edit]

Conio.h is believed to be a corruption of the Spanish word coño, which means cunt. Conio is pronounced exactly the same way as coño: Cone-yo. Microsoft claims that those who use CONIO.H find it easier to get a piece of coño. In 2007, information leaked from a Microsoft employee who apparently was a part of the original team of people that created conio.h, who stated that Conio.h actually comes from the Bulgarian word Коньо (again, pronounced Cone-yo) which is how horses are addressed in that language, since it most accurately represents the types of women the team of developers were dating at the time.

Portability[edit]

Many attempts have been made to port conio.h to operating systems other than MS-UNO. There is a somewhat-working version for MS-DOS, and an inbred, mutant version for Windows.

Several attempts have been made to port conio.h to Linux, but since conio.h is actually an MS-DOS executable, this has proven quite difficult. The lack of conio on Linux has caused programmers on that platform to shout ncurses at Microsoft.

Programs That Use Conio.H[edit]

The popular video game BSOD was written entirely in conio.h-enabled QBASIC.