“Now Arriving at Connex Melbourne, change here for unknown line , unknown line  and unknown line ”
“The next station is: Upper Ferntree Gully”
“Can we sit on the roof?”
“Mummy, my seat smells like the toilet!”
“"Welcome to connex, we are happy to inform you that none of todays trains are running on time... If you have a complaint please tell someone who cares”
“Now Arrivi..PSSKKKKSKKKKSKSKSKKSKSKSKSKKK.... Connex apologizes for any inconvenience caused”
“Oh that smell, that is what you want in a train!”
“Now arriving at... Sydnenham.”
“Now Arriving at Newport, change here for the Belgrave service”
“Maybe you should get the new timetable then”
“Sorry for the delay passengers but it's your fault that you chose to travel with Connex. Can't wait till December, you guys and my hip-pocket will be better off with the new Hong Kong company”
“David, please do not update your Facebook when on duty”
- 1 A History of Insincere Regret
- 2 How to Use
- 3 Marketing Campaigns de la Connex
- 4 Some Safety Bullshit
- 5 Station alias
- 6 South Kensington
- 7 Connex Prices
- 8 Complaining to Connex
- 9 Budget and Fiscal Management
- 10 Lines
- 11 East Richmond
- 12 Here's the fictional side
A History of Insincere Regret
Veolia is a French word, from the country France. It means "ATTENTION PASSENGERS: The next Train on platform one will be cancelled, and the following delayed by an hour. There are no apologies for any inconvenience caused. " (This is what Connex also means. Viola: Interesting language French)
The Connex Empire, founded in 1832 under the wise guidance of founder and CEO Philippe Conique acquired it's first Locomotion Machine which was assembled at Mos Eisley, Tatooine from the finest of junkyard products. Testing began on a Tuesday and the entire network constructed by malfunctioning nanobots was built on a Wednesday with full operations starting on Friday (originally planned to commence on Thursday, however brake failure combined with train cancellation, a small pink rabbit, driver incompetence and sunspot damage forced a re-schedule.)
Bob Saget was commissioned to record over 5,000 sounds for the Connex Mix Tape, played on repeat in each train cab and at every station at Manowaric decibel levels. Over 1,000 of these phonemes are reserved for announcing delays, cancellations and malfunctions with the system. The remainder are used to apologize to it's customers for said delays. To the frustration of chumps, these apologies are made with two fingers behind Connex's back and are legally invalid, usually resulting in nothing except a bad temper and an ice cream if its a hot day.
Pros these days decide to fly or blimp it to the Playboy Mansion to avoid nuisances such as clowns, Lord Mayor Robert Doyle or foreign telemarketers. No Connex trains run to the mansion because for it would actually please the fare paying chump oops, customer. Today, in Melbourne, there is no guarantee that a train will stop when asked to do so, regardless how nicely it is asked.
Types of trains used by Connex
- Hitachi - these trains are known to pre-date the stone age, occasionally still roam the land with square wheels and archaeological remains of them have been discovered as far as Sydney
- Refurbished Hitachi - HEY LOOK! We put some new stickers on and cleaned some of the dirt off. Oh lad-ie dah.
- Super Duper Weather Beaten Hitachi - The best Hitachi, complete with recycled seats from decomissioned Ansett boeing 747s. You have to buy two tickets to board this train.
- X'Trapolis 100 - don't know what that is, but probably the only train considered by Victoria to run in Melbourne that is practically good, not unlike the Hitachis or the Comengs (Committed to Engage in Sex). Unfortunately for Melbourne, this train is to advanced for the network. But they still fucking suck.
- Hitachi Rush Hour 2 - Same old train, but makes room for passengers by ripping out all the seats and putting in a pole. The pole is actually really useful if you want to host a pole-dancing competition.
“Stand up you lazy bastards!”
- Polar Express - Guaranteed to miss stop due to slippery brakes (Yes that isn't a word, and neither are you...).
- Death Star - Not fully operational. Rebellion "Terrorists" may try to blow it up with green-screen lasers.
- Holden Trainodore - Very slow heavily modified FJ Holden, converted from holden 202 motor to electric power in 1945 as a post-war, two man transport vehicle. Smells like a dead rat that died from eating rotten eggs.
- Comeng- The air conditioning doesn't work, the windows don't open, smells like vomit, and worst of all, the seats feel like bricks. The most common train in the network.
- Refurbished Comeng - supposed to be new French trains but turned out to be Comengs with a temperamental button to open the door.
- Gorgon - Third cousin of the Moose train, they have not talked to each other due to a court order.
- Hunting Hitachi - Some of the first Hitachis were painted in green and yellow to help them hide and hunt for the Veolia-Connex Empire trains, but sadly this plan was unsuccessful and the trains have been cast to eternal servitude on the Pakenham line.
- Ford Typhoon Train - fitted with 20 turbocharged 4 litre engines so it could go up to speeds of 1,000,000,000 kph
- Tait- Firewood
- Semens- Oh, did we say Siemens? I'm sorry, but the Siemens is too advanced for the Melbourne train network. Connex apologises for any inconveniance caused.
- The mX Train - Trains that often get harrassed by the HoboTrain. Commonly used to clean the HoboTrain's ass.
- HoboTrain - Smells bad, but will go fast if tempted with a half-eaten cheeseburger. Stops at all stations, one passenger at the time. "Spare any change?"
- 4WD train - What the fuck is this Shit-nee (Sydney) train doing in fucking Melborn????
- Legs - The transport system Connex claims after successfully canceling every train ever scheduled. And the cunts still ask you to validate a ticket.
- The Hitachi train is Melbourne's original "train", painted in green and yellow camouflage they where made in 1970 and are still by far the best train to have ever served on the connex empire's "railways"
- They actually stop
- If you hold the door open it will stay open - this is encouraged during peak hour because it allows more passengers to use the train
- They rot down easily
- No air conditioning but there are windows
- Wait - no windows either. Connex apologises for any inconvenience caused.
- The Hitachi is probably the absolute best train in the entire network, and definitely the worst train in the entire world.
- Also known to cause a sudden disappearance of the users taste buds. This is still under investigation and results will be released along with the Myki system.
- Old weird looking train that was first used by Aboriginies before the Poms came
- On alternative lavatory
- A haven for hobos
- WARNING: May contain asbestos. Asbestos is dangerous for your health.
How to Use
- When boarding a train, please move to the centre of the carriage and lie on the floor, so other passengers may pile on top.
- Ensure that you always sit in disabled seat. It's okay, the old people are too scared to use the train.
- If the driver is nice, he'll invite you onto the roof, where it is less crowded.
- Don't hold others back! Push and shove them instead.
- When exiting a train, do not wait until it stops before alighting, as there is no guarantee that it actually will stop.
- Watch out for prams, roadkill.
- Urinate off the connecting platforms between carriages. Or onto ticket inspectors.
- If bringing a bike onto the train, ensure the door cannot be reached from either direction.
- Upon being charged by an inspector for having your feet on the seat, ensure that you tell the inspector that "the mascot in the Connex ad had its feet on the seat!"
- If the inspector persists, tell him that you have bought an extra ticket for your feet, but you don't want to show him/her/it. That should stop him/her/it.
- Don't put your feet on the seat - put your bag on the seat and put your feet on top of the bag - see if you get fined!
-note from Melanie: this doesn't work, I tried it but they still fined me :(
- If the previous suggestion fails, put one foot on the seat with the other on top, as the signs specifically say feet on the seat is not allowed. If inspectors try to fine you, they can't, because you didn't break the rules, and because they suck.
- Test its (it being the ticket inspector) brain capacity by taking your shoes off and putting them on the seat and your shoeless feet on the floor. Do not attempt to this unless you have strong foot odour that can take out the enraged beast.
- Don't lean against the door, as you can never tell when the door will open.
Marketing Campaigns de la Connex
Connex, despite having a monopoly on all public transports (owning Fenchurch, Marylebone, Liverpool St. and Brotheltown stations) have bombarded potential customers with discombobulating acronymery and reverse polish logic to increase commuter numbers and "profitability"
- BATBYGOBSTOPL - An acronym that Connex marketing types have forgotten the meaning of. In its duration, there were vague allusions to homosexuality, cross-dressing and fare evasion. I'm pretty sure it gave carte-blanche for fare evasion. Or it legalized fare evasion stealing. Historians will later discover that the acronym stood for Before Attempting To Buy Your Greatly Overpriced Bull Shit Ticket, Omnislash (the next) Person's Leg.
- In Soviet Russia, inconvenience apologizes to YOU! - Unsuccessful campaign that equated the demand for punctual trains with communism. Uncle Joe was not happy.
- All your base are belong to us (and there's nothing you can do about it) - Repeated at ten-second intervals in all stations and train carriages to weaken the resolve of commuters, their "Monopoly" campaign has yielded the most promising results.
Some Safety Bullshit
On December 7, 1941 all Connex Oxen (known as Conoxes, colloquially shortened to "Cox") were temporarily taken offline by Darth Bracksy for "safety concerns." The larger Cox were replaced by stubby and soft Cox, and had less forward thrust power than their superior and stronger bretheren. Thousands of arseholes complained they were getting shafted by these inferior Cox, and demanded their regular service be resumed as soon as possible. Their lamentations can still be heard today.
Stations are known to be called strange things by the automatic homo station announcing system, AKA metrobitch:
- Lilydale - 'Geelong'
- Epping - Greece
- Eltham - Rural Australia
- Ivanhoe - Imahoe
- Eaglemont - The most useless station ever made
- Belgrave - 'Flinders Street'
- Mont Albert - 'Tecoma'
- Cheltenham - 'Oakleigh'
- Dennis - Dennis
- Box Hill - 'CCRRRCH...*Beep Beep* Alll passengers disembarking will be stabbed. All those who stay on the train, fearing for their lives, will be stabbed.'
- Flagstaff - 'Tecoma in the shitty'
- Tecoma - ...
- Alamein - 'Hurstbridge'
- Hurstbridge - 'Madagascar'
- East Richmond - 'This is a service to Flinders street, stopping all stations except East Richmond. The next station is East Rcihmond.'
- Williamstown - 'Koskytown'
- Glen Waverley - 'Chinatown!'
- Dandenong - 'Passengers for the Pakenham Line, you've just been raped. Passengers for Cranbourne, there will be a train in 2 hours.'
- Melbourne Central - 'Mel...*beep*...booooouuuuuuuurrrrrrrr.........nnnnn *squeak* ... Ceeeeent..rrrrrrrrrrrrrr...aaaal...This train will be terminating in Iraq stopping all stations except East Richmond'
- All stations (in January 2009) - Due to the intense heat, we are stopping all services. Please enjoy the complimentary Ice Cream.
- Noble Park - 'The next station is Nob... OMG!!! BAIL!!! If you want out, windows are avaliable for use.
- Box Hill - 'AHHH, BOK CHOY!'
- Cragieburn - 'Now aprroaching Hell. Passengers for the Sandringham line, you have caught the wrong train. This train will be terminated and blown into a million little bits, SEE YOU IN HELL!'
- Roxburgh Park - 'There is no such thing as Roxburgh Park'
- East Richmond - 'This train does not and will never stop here as I have been saying for the past 50 years or more. Please, by all means, attempt to disembark through the window'
- South Kensington - "Now approaching the most neglected station in the entire network. Due to the likeliness of the platform falling down, setting off a catalyst bomb, creating a catastrophic chain reaction destroying the entire galaxy, we suggest you do not get off here, (unless you want to end life as we know it) and get off at Footscray instead. We apologise for any inconveniance caused (we don't really, we're just trying to make you feel better.)
- Batman - "Now Approaching The Batcave. Passengers, be aware that from now to the end of the line, standard tracks will be replaced by BatTracks, trains will transform into Batachis, and Connex will be renamed BatCrapTrainSystem...did I really just say that?"
- Upfield - "Now approaching Upfield...finally! Took so bloody long, cramming so many people into 3 carraiges...but we're here...only a few casualties but we'll be okay...better not tell Kosky, she'll be pissed...hey, wait, is this thing on? Oh, shit! It is! Okay, no-one tell Kosky, ok? No just get off!"
- Frankston - "this train is now approaching.... Frankston..... This train will be terminating at..... Frankston... you will get herpes in..... Frankston"
“The next train is the 10.52 to Flinders Street, stopping all stations except South Kensington”
It is a well known fact that no train has ever stopped at South Kensington, ever. Poor South Kensington. Some trains do stop there, speical order ones to drop BMXers of at the station so they can go to the skatepark. People of note include M Towns Adam and Spence, and G-Towns Matt and Michael
Yes we do charge a small fee, and thats the real reason we chose the name "CONnex". Get it? You see we want you to ride our transport,and you want to ride my wife. So a little *Cough*Bribe*Cough* fee has to be payable.
Childs Ticket (Children inside mother pay to) = $30.00 Adults Ticket (Includes hand-job for men and dildo probe for women) = $60.00 Old Fart Daily (People don't like you Grandma) = $100.00
If any problems with ticket or ticket machine, shove it up your arse or talk to a pre-recorded voice on 1800 WE DONT CARE (1800 93 3668 2273).
Complaining to Connex
Ok you decided you have had enough. Customer feedback is the answer. To save your trouble just cut and paste the following into your email and mail it back to yourself: First: Thank you for your email. Metlink or the appropriate Public Transport Operator will respond within 7 working days.
The team at Metlink
Then follow up with: Thank you for contacting Connex Customer Feedback.
Following a determination of the issue raised, your comments have been referred to the appropriate area for investigation.
We will endeavour to provide a detailed response to you within 10 business days, dependent on investigation timeframes.
We appreciate the opportunity to respond to your feedback.
Then just iff you are complaining about unwarranted price hikes and service: As you would appreciate, customers do not purchase a ‘train ticket’ to travel on Connex services, rather they purchase a Metcard, which allows travel on trains, trams and buses.
The price of a Metcard ticket is regulated by the Victorian State Government. The government raises the price every year on 1 January however, during the election campaign of 2006, the Government advised it would delay the price increase in 2007 to 4 March.
This was further delayed to 3 June as a result of braking problems with our Siemens train fleet, owned by the government. Therefore, the Government has now increased the price of a Metcard, and as usual the average fare increase aligns with the Consumer Price Index (CPI). Interestingly enough, one may pay in a fleet of Siemens, since Connex likes to jerk people around.
The CPI is the measure of change over a period of time for consumer goods and services. The categories it covers include food and drink, clothing, medical care, education, recreation and transport. Further information regarding the CPI is also available on the Department of Infrastructure website, located at www.doi.vic.gov.au
We also appreciate your comments relating to public transport overseas. However, the Melbourne metropolitan rail network is unique in its design and operation and can not be easily compared with other systems.
Thank you for taking the time to contact us, as your feedback plays a vital role in the monitoring and improvement of our service standards.
Budget and Fiscal Management
Connex is renowned for its commitment to semi-humorous public awareness campaigns. Quirky neo-Freudian psychoanalyst "Martin Merton, PhD" is the public face of Connex after "The Batchelor" stepped down due to legal entanglements with the Galactic Empire.
Their operating budget is as follows:
67% Awareness Campaigns
32% Metcop Awareness
23% Covert Metcop Concealment
1% Infrastructure maintenance, wages and service improvement
All of these monies are derived from fines.
Williamstown: Everything on this line is basically Williamstown, Steve Bracks uses this line
Werribee: Sexual Predetors line, you're likely to be raped or bashed (only Hindus)
Melton: Not actally a line, Thank god the V Line does this one
Sydenham: Soon to be known as Sunbury Line, yet still a crap line
Craigieburn: Newly erected line, can get very horny. Would watch out.
Upfield: Enter the graveyard, popular place for emos, Batman lives here! (It's true!)
Hurstbridge: More like a rollercoaster then a trainline, you'd be lucky to get out alive. A haven for Indians (nerdy, foul-mouthed, iPod obsessed Melbourne High and Mac Rob dominated carriages) and bogans. There is no such thing as Eltham North Station; sorry idiots. Please do not exit via window.
Epping: Each carriage plays the same doof doof music for the entire trip. Except for some reggae Northcote.
Eastern 4: The most used line (ha!), you get trains every 3 mins (as if, biatch!), and they're all on time! (well, at least the Glen Waverley ones are, sometimes)
Sandringham Stupid names (Balaclava, Kananook, wtf?), even more stupider people... - alternatively titled "A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy"
Frankston: Gets 'exciting' after 8pm (well, at least it does for me anyway, don't know about you) and enjoys a high prevalence of chroming commuters.
Cranbourne: Get's a lot more trains then it's rival line, yet only has two stations
Cocaine: This line is frequently used by the owners of Connex.
Pakenham: Total anal rape, trains come every hour only (2 hours on Weekends) Most of those stop at Dandenong and Trains get cancelled more often, trains are always late by 10 mins+! Only to get Brave, Heroic, Weather Beaten Hitachis!!!! Mr. T pities the commuters that have to suffer. Worse then Iraq... serves them right for not buying a house in someplace better.
Belgrave: Not only do you always get a carriage full of hooligans, it's always crowded because you're stuck with people going from Flinders to Ringwood. Then after that, you worry about if someone will stalk you when you get off the train. I guess you should have thought about moving closer to the city then?
Lilydale: Many stoners on board. Watch out for Mooroolbark junkies. They will no doubt ask you if you have any spare change. All carriages are equally unsafe.
Alamein: Crap name, crap trains, crap line. Oh, and crap stations. Did I mention the likelihood of getting mugged is relatively high? Mr. T feels sorry for these commuters aswell. Though he says the Pakenham is worse, and I have to agree there. Still, the Alamein line is CRAP.
Doncaster: Oh sorry, the government forgot to include this line in the transport plan, and tried to make up for it with buses leaving every hour.
Stony Pont: Nearly as remote as Hurtbridge... Many passengers on this line only travel on this line to chrome on the smell of the diesel fuel from the train.
Article stops all stations except East Richmond. Connex apologises for any inconvenience caused.(Poor East Richmond.)