[image:ConnieFrancis.jpg|right|thumb|"I tried to release even the garbage, so that I wouldn't just be recording and not releasing stuff."]]
“She had a nice smile. She looked as if she had slept well. It was a nice face, a face you get to like. Pretty, but not so pretty that you would have to wear a fuzzy pink tutu every time you took it to the laundromat.”
Raymond Chandler on Connie Francis
A famous and highly successful proto-industrial goth-rock singer of the late 1950's, Connie Francis (real name: Dick Cheney) is perhaps best known for her hit songs "Stupid Stupid," "Hairy The Boy-Whores Are," and "Italian Meatball Subbadanza."
After her first public appearance as a trained animal act on the original Oprah Winfrey Show in 1951, Francis quickly became a force to be reckoned with in the entertainment industry, able to make powerful film executives, agents, and politicians evacuate their bowels at the very mention of her dread name.
After being crowned Dictator-for-Life of the Limitless Connie Francis Galactic Evil Empire, Francis ruled with an iron fist, summarily banishing anyone who disagreed with her marginal sense of personal aesthetics to a Wal-Mart store in southern New Jersey.
Francis ruled the universe for several years, as well as several Parallel Universes. However, very little actually occurred during this period of time, which was notable mainly for its use as a means of linking to yet another of the author's largely worthless pages of Uncyclopedia drivel.
Francis was dethroned in 1987, by accident, when a paper towel became stuck in her toilet, which then exploded and made a mess. She lived out the rest of her days in Happy-Land, where she ran a dry cleaning business that specialized in heavily-soiled men's underwear. Her last words were, "Live free, for it costs less." She was 3,472 years old.