Conspiracy Theorists are geniuses. They form the most amazing segment of Earth's population. Profound researchers all, they dive into the very fabric of reality uncovering the grim truths concealed beneath all which is held true by today's modern population.
Sadly, the number of conspiracy theorists is believed to have declined in recent years. This is widely believed to have been the work of the CIA, or possibly the dark forces of Zionism. Seriously! Open your eyes! We have pictures, and some of them look only slightly blurred!
Becoming a Conspiracy Theorist
Not an easy task. First, not everyone is cut from the right thread to become a conspiracy theorist. A particular mix of rapid analytical ability must combine with a phenominal talent for creative deduction. (See Creativity ).
Second, an aspiring conspiracy theorist must be a vehement individualist. You have to truly know inside that your ideas are inherently more valid than everyone else's. Science, public education, religion, and your teachers telling you that you're a fucking psycho... all this must be tossed to the side in favor of the truth you know is within you.
It's easiest to start small. Begin with something already established. The Kennedy assassination is a good choice, and an entry-point for the burgeoning conspiracy theorist. Kennedy was a great president. Why would he be shot? The answer is simple. A world leader of his talent might very well have caused world peace to flood o'er the lands. If there was peace, we'd have no-one left to kill. Ah yes, we can easily see that the Kennedy Assasination was a set up.
Never mind that thousands of people took tens of thousands of pictures, and captured virtually every single angle of the motorcade procession, from every conceivable point. The CIA had already guessed that NOBODY would be looking at that grassy knoll, or the book suppository. Ignore all that "factual evidence" crap. You've seen the movie 13 Days. The Joint Chiefs hated that fucking hippie in the oval office. They set it all up.
Locating Existing Conspiracy Theorists
Conspiracy Theorists are EVERYWHERE! And We are being WATCHED! I tell you it's the CIA! They are watching over us because they see the threat WE present! Or, the threat they present. Yeah, 'cause I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I believe everything that the government tells me, because America is run by good and honest people who only hide important military secrets, and even then, only when absolutely necessary... Yeah...
Conspiracy theorists are notoriously hard to locate. They aren't on Uncyclopedia, that's for sure. If you do a websearch on conspiracy theorists, all you'll find are historic documentation unearthed by government researchers tracking down filthy terrorists...
Places To Look for Conspiracy Theorists
Under a Rock
Oh, like you have a better Idea?
Your Next Door Neighbor's House
They're all in on it. Isn't he married to an Asian Chick? Of course she looks hot in a bikini, that's the way international espionage works. Find a hot chick, train her to be a spy, and her beauty will disarm male espionage agents, making her a more effective weapon. Hell, they probably got assigned to watch over you, and are spying on you right now. Better purchase a handgun or a sword or something. You're going to have to kill them sooner or later, I guaran-fucking-tee it.
“Conspiracy theories aren't real, the government just wants you to think they are so they can steal your thoughts when you aren't looking.”
The following websites may be of some help. Don't tell anyone, but if you are questioned about these websites, just reply "Lando Calrissian My Ass". This is our secret code, and will identify you as a trusted source, okay? Okay.
Under NO circumstances should you ever visit these websites below. All of these are owned/operated/sponsored/monitored by government agencies.
- White House Jesus, don't even read this one aloud! They probably have a spy satellite looking at me right now as I type this. Oh god, ohgodohgodohgod...
- Central Intelligence Agency Visiting this website alerts the CIA to your interest, and special teams known as telemarketers will begin contacting you gathering various bits and pieces of information. If you are contacted by anyone over the phone inquiring about bills, just scream Go to hell you CIA bastard (or whore)!
- National Security Agency This web page sets a national flag to monitor your computer's activity on the interweb, 24-7. You are so fucked!
- Slashdot (A Notable propaganda outlet, I must say!)
- Google The best search engine? Oh yeah, like some punk college student came up with that. And one of them is RUSSIAN! Don't even get me Started on this pack of wolves
- Wikipedia Wikipedia is a rogue website, and it used to be a very frequent hangout for hackers and other subersives. However, since 1984 it has been taken over by government agencies, and is often used to monitor "undesirable" contributors. Everything you read on Wikipedia is suspect, and has definitely been scrubbed of all undesired information, so that the population can be more easily misled in the future. Come on, a website, for free, devoted to information? Do you think that some Suit is gonna write off his hard-earned stock-options for the good of the whole world? Yeah right!
Famous Conspiracy Theorists
A few other notable conspiracy theorists include Jason Bermas, David Icke, Bill Deagle, George Noorey, Mark Dice, Steve Quayle, William Cooper, Rik Clay, Stuart Edwards, Alan Watt, Eric Phelps, Michael Savage, Greg Syzmanski, Michael Tsarion
Wait, why are all the conspiracy theorists male? It must be a conspiracy!!
Proving a Conspiracy Theorist Wrong
You could not prove a conspiracy theorist wrong. If they were wrong, they'd just be people, not Conspiracy Theorists. The best you could hope to accomplish is to prove that their conspiracy theories are only the tip of the iceberg, and go even farther than they had previously imagined. Yeah, like we "invented" jet engines. That shit was stolen from the Roswell UFO and you goddamn-well know it.
Or you could scratch that idea and simply point out how loony he is to everyone else in hopes of his insanity not spreading to anyone else. Note: If you do this you are automactically part of the conspiracy.
Notable Conspiracy Theories
- Kennedy Assasination Sure. Lee Harvey was working Alone. My ass he was.
- Roswell Cover-up
- We Landed on the Moon Why haven't we gone back, huh?
- We sent a Probe to Mars That shit was filmed at Skywalker ranch. I'm Telling you it was filmed by Lucas! Get the fuck away from me! I am NOT going back into that cell again. Oh you and your "medication". I know damn well those are MIND-CONTROL pills! Those microchips implanted under my spleen by the Freedom Coalition told me so! You aren't taking me back to your lab again! I'll turn invisible! I have cloaking serum. I swear I'll do it!