Conversation hearts (Necco hartis) are small organisms shaped like the Star of David that can be found in American sewers, except on Valentine's Day, when they migrate to above-ground supermarkets to engage in their annual mating ritual, which is usually the only time most humans see them. The male conversation heart attracts a mate with a combination of a unique message inscribed on his back and a primitive dance that primarily consists of the conversation heart flagellating in small circles. If the male's advances are successful, he and the female will procreate until they have produced enough offspring to fill a large plastic bag, or in the case of sexually frustrated males, a small cardboard box.
Because these messages often somewhat resemble human expressions of love, human males will ironically often use the creatures and their messages in hopes of attracting females, usually in the hopes of getting laid (it should be noted, never successfully).
- Conversation hearts ward off predators with their bad taste, which comes from the composition of their bodies, a mixture of chalk, pencil shavings, and the Ebola virus.
- They move by flagellating hundreds of microscopic cilia.
- The "I H8 U" subgenus was hunted to extinction by British fur trappers in 1858.