Copper is the seventh element on the periodic table. Unique among elements, Copper is composed of a nucleus of 6 elements surrounded by a circle of lies. Copper has been used throughout history to in weapons of war or weapons of cooking, such as pots, pans, pan lids, pot lids, ect.
Copper as a Weapon
Copper is the only thing more dangerous than Howard Stern. Weapons made of copper were directly responsible for the success of america during World War II, as the U.S. had a massive Copper mine centered in Washington D.C. Unfortunatly, due to this mine, the entirety of the east coast of the united states now smells like fish, an unfortunate sideeffect of the this mine. This smell is known as The Seventh Inning Stretch, for some reason.
Copper as cooking utensil
Copper is great for stewing, braising, frying, or stir-frying fish, as the horrible stench of fish produced by the metal makes the fish taste fishier.
Copper as the metal of people who are really losers but think they did kinda good.
Copper medals are hung around the necks of people who probably really did a piss-poor job at something but still managed to come in third place because either no one else competed or were mentally retarded. Despite it being called a Bronze medal, don't be fooled, it's just an old dented copper pan lid that someone donated for recycling.
History of Copper
Copper was first discovered by rabid pigmies in the early 20th century. The Pigmies were attempting to build a low yield atomic weapon, but they accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction, so called 'copper ore', named after it's coppery color, and obtained copper instead. There have been many people who have tried to use copper as a nail file. Since this did not work, they instead tried to make a harder metal out of a concoction that they built out of old, used keyboard buttons. This became the sandpaper that we know of today.
Future of Copper
Copper is banned by all major world governments for it's destructive effects. Merely owning a pound of copper can be considered a crime against humanity, and the penalties for such an act are 1,000,000,000,000 millennia in jail, followed by execution by hanging, followed by lethal injection, followed by a stern scolding. Don't do it!