Corpus Christi

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Laredo's DADDY!

Corpus Christi is an industrial powerhouse on the Gulf of Mexico in the southeastern part of Texas, so named for the huge population of Texans with large guns and cows with large asses. Industrial districts are springing up along not only the land outskirts of Corpus Christi, but along the radioactive sludge-filled bay as well. As well as providing fun-filled beaches with waves reaching a whopping height of three to four inches, the sparkling Gulf of Mexico hosts a multitude of tourist attractions such as the Red Tide, several types of shark attacks, and the U.S.S. Lexington.

Why Not To Come Here[edit]

It's not like the city isn't too bad here in general, it's just that if you come down here for the ocean it's pretty nasty. If you also come down here to look for hot ass, then you're shit out of luck because most of them are already taken by some douchebags.

The home of Waterburger[edit]

In 1950, The Dobsons (who are piloting a reality show to mun² next season) opened soon-to-be-proclaimed Texas State Treasure Whataburger’s premier location in Corpus Christi. It specialized in bringing traditional Indian-style hamburgers made with “100%, All-American Goat Meat” to the already overweight population of this incredibly huge megalopolis. When Pope John Paul II was kidnapped by Peter Griffin in the neighboring small town of Quohog, the Dobson family (relatives of the Griffins) was excommunicated to the largest leper colony available (less commonly known as London) and forced to sell Whataburger to the current owners, Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O'Donnell. The name Whataburger, obviously a hilarious pun on the phrase “What a booger!” which is usually said after blowing one’s nose, was apparently too difficult for the people in Texas, so Queen Latifah suggested the name be changed to Waterburger. This was fitting, as the main location happened to be across the street from an Ocean (Waterburger By The Bay) and all ingredients that were used to make the 100% All-American Goat Meat actually taste good were replaced with water to save money. This is, of course, The American Way.

Selena was shot and killed in Corpus Christi[edit]

Tejano music has had it’s share of spotlight action in Corpus Christi. Selena was shot and killed outside a dirty hooker motel on the northern part of the city by her lesbian lover Rosie O’ Donnel in an effort to keep the Waterburger fortune from being used to front the production of more whiny and un-butch-lesbian-like love songs. However, Rosie O’ Donnel managed to pin the murder on one Yolanda Saldivar – a loving Green Card-toting housemaid that only knew one English phrase: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Rosie was furious at the implications Yolanda seemed to be making about her and Selena, and obviously O’ Donnel is impossible to stop once she gets rolling moving.

But enough about Selena’s tragic demise. In life, she was a somewhat attractive Mexican girl-next-door that grew up poor and sheltered. However, this is no different than any other Mexican girl-next-door, so Selena was actually pretty unoriginal. She was well known for her starring role in the movie Jennifer as Jennifer Lopez – a young woman who’s already terrible singing career is jeopardized by a third-grader in South Park, Colorado when he gets caught up in ventriloquism and creates a miniature Jennifer Lopez on his hand. This eventually leads to Ben Affleck leaving Jennifer Lopez for Jennifer Lopez and receiving hand and blowjobs at the same time from Jennifer Lopez but not Jennifer Lopez, even though he is dating Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Lopez has threatened to kill Jennifer Lopez with a chainsaw after already beating the crap out of Jennifer Lopez. This script seemed to be somewhat dull and not complex enough, however, so the writers decided to add Ben Affleck’s gay lovers Matt Damon and Alec Baldwin to the mix. Eventually Jennifer Lopez decides to unveil herself as Mitch Connor, a con man, and we see our first real glimpse Selena’s true self, though it is only in this Academy-Award winning film.

SPID: South Padre Island Drive[edit]

There is but one highway of any real importance in Corpus Christi: SPID, South Padre Island Drive, soon to become South Padre Island Tollway, or SPIT, as an attempt to modernize the city. One can find anything one’s heart desires by taking a SPIT drive. Desperate for something to drink? SPIT’s all you need. Need to grab some food? Just head for SPIT. Have a dentist appointment? You’ll be there with SPIT in no time. You can even take SPIT to the movies, to school, even to the mall to go shopping for that special someone that’s never gotten to SPIT! The possibilities are endless numerous!

But without SPIT we’d all die, since we wouldn’t be able to chew and swallow food. Thank Dubya for allowing SPIT to come to Corpus Christi!

Texas A&M University has a branch in Corpus Christi[edit]

The most recognized tradition-oriented college corporation chain, Texas Agricultural and Mechanical University, (shortened to TAMU [tam-yoo] because FU [eff-yoo] for Fun University was already taken) has a hub in Corpus Christi. They are the fighting Islanders, and with the help of a barbaric and incredibly ugly mascot named Tiki after the pathetically unsuccessful Tiki Barber, they take pride in all that is... well, Island-ish. Ironically, they have no football team. Football’s dumb.
TAMU-CC is also known as OCWMIA (ah-kwa-MEE-uh): The Only College With Makos In Attendance. This is due to the beaching of a fourteen foot-long man-eating Mako shark that was found recently, in addition to the large number of Italians that claim all the ocean water to be their own. An even more recent claim to fame for the prestigious Islanders is being mentioned on Steven Colbert’s Sport Report with his fun and easy-to-remember pneumonic: “Texas A&M University will make it to the Final Four. Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi...will not.” One might confuse this honour with that of actually playing in the NCAA tournament, but that’s overrated (VCU DID beat Duke, after all).

Spring Break in Corpus Christi[edit]

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS

Ocean Drive: rich and famous (or not)[edit]

Ocean Drive is a tiny one-way street along the coastline in Corpus Christi. People that own houses on this street are known to be relatively rich and/or famous. Actually, these people simply have deals with Dubya and the Iraqi government to maintain watch over the Bay and prevent commies from entering leaving the US.

In The News...[edit]

"Man attempting to burglarize house shot in face by fourteen year-old boy staying home sick from school"

A little-known fact about this house: it was Ellen DeGeneres' summer home. No details on who the boy is, although witness accounts state he was more than likely a Zimbabwean boy soon to be adopted by Angelina Jolie. No word yet about whether or not Brad Pitt gave the boy the gun for use on his soon-to-be-mother. Pitt declines to comment.

‘Nuff said. Welcome to South Texas.

Nearby Places[edit]