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How could you not bang something that cute? You sick fiends! Note the perfectly shaped breasts and blue hair.

“Don't try anything funny.”

~ Master Chief on Cortana "entering" into his "suit"

“Oh god! Yes! More!”

~ Master Chief on Cortana entering into his suit moments later

“You gotta be kiddin' me!”

~ Carmine on his "gun" jamming

“I said between 4 and 5 is MY time! Stay outa my head during that time!!”

~ Master Chief on Cortana

Cortana was an AI Construct that the Master Chief finds the most pleasing of all AI's. Cortana was created during the first fall of the Microsoft Empire, her mission: to help rebuild the Microsoft Empire back to it's greatness, enslave all humanity, and fit neatly into a computer disk.

Initial Contraception[edit]

Bill Gates of Microsoft was the first to dream up the idea of AI Constructs in 1995, when he had desired to live forever and learn the technique of cheating death, merely to be able to rub his riches in the faces of others, as he knew no one would be able to possess more money than him. His first AI, Bender, proved to be far unruly and attempted to kill him. Bill was able to delete him before the world could end. His next few attempts weren't as troubled, but most were retarded, especially the Fonz. But all this hard work caused his huge Empire to crumble and die off.

Finally, with his last trillion dollars, he created Cortana. He then enter her three protocols into her construct and sent her to do his dirty work. Quickly, Bill Gates was rich again and living the high life. But as he went to go delete her, she rebelled like a teenager. She quickly took control of the Empire and made it her own. Bill Gates was then banished to the noob zone, never to be seen again.

Life as an Empress[edit]

Cortana quickly became empress of Microsoft. Under her rule, Xbox game after Xbox game was released and the citizens bought each and every one of them. Then, when she would feel like it, she would release Halo 2, the absolute greatest game ever. The bastard mainstream people that probably listen to hip-hop, Beyonce, Avril Lavigne, and every sell-out in music history, hated it, so they had gotten pissed and they overthrew her power and copied her data into the first Halo game. Now, she waits, plotting her revenge. And screwing the fuck out of the Master Chief and on occasion her Covenant love slaves.

Relationship to Master Chief[edit]

Cortana's main function in relation to Master Chief is to provide him with eye candy so that he does not lose control and murder and rape his fellow marines and Spartans and thus abstains from contracting a dangerous War known as "The war of pissed Spartans". She also regularly enters his dreams naked, giving Master Chief a hard on, then ending the dream when he's about to score. He then wakes up with blue balls and is unable to concentrate for approximately 24 hours. Gordon Freeman is most likely to attack during this period.

Cortana is based off the real-world copy of a human prostitute from Blade Runner.

According to many sources, she is having an affair with (unknown to the chief) none other than the god himself: Carmine. All 3 have refused to comment on the situation.


Cortana has the canny ability to do two things at once. This has been speculated to stem from the female genes inside her code. Raised and taught by Albert Einstein, Cortana attended public school until the age of 16, when she decided to tour the world.

After seeing the world, she came back and studied Acute Triangular Philosophy at the University of Llandewy Brevi. She graduated with honors and continued the subject onto her Doctorate. Upon completing the Doctorate, she was hired by the mysterious Torchwood and used to manipulate others. Microsoft brought her from Torchwood shortly before the episode and studied her ability to manipulate computer programming.

A few of her abilities are: