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The Threat of Cotton[edit]

Cotton is a dangerous substance which competes with the human race for important resources; namely water, petroleum, and synthetic chemicals. Cotton was treated largely as a benevolent presence in the twentieth century, but by the year 2000, it was becoming increasingly obvious that this hungry, resource-eating substance posed a grave threat to the national security of the United States and survival the world as a whole.

Characteristics of Cotton[edit]

Eating/Drinking habits- As stated before, cotton has an insatiable thirst for water; but for cotton, water alone is not enough. Take the accounts of these everyday people who have seen first hand the greedy tendencies of cotton.

Old lady Hathaway maintains a cotton garden in her backyard which she takes great care to tend to every day. "I used to just water my cotton plants," the obviously distraught old woman says, "but soon, the cotton was demanding more. I went to do my laundry one day, and all my laundry detergent was gone. Cotton obviously has a thirst for synthetic chemicals."

John Weston from Indiana reported this frightening experience at a gas station. "I was filling up my truck one day and suddenly I spilled gasoline on my shirt. My cotton shirt was obviously trying to drink the gasoline."

Fluffy Facade- Cotton on the outside appears to be white and fluffy. On the inside, however, its heart is black and hard as stone.


General Colin Powell is disgusted by cotton!

President George W. Bush is one of the few Americans who truly understands the threat posed by cotton. He knows that since this plant is so eager to consume our resources, the only option we have is war. Thusly, in 2001, he declared, "We will make every effort to combat this cotton threat. We will make no distinction between cotton, and those who grow it." Thusly began the great War on Cotton, which led to the invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq, where Saddam Hussein was believed to be actively seeking a cotton gin. This, as it turns out, was not true, and a great controversy ensued. "We all believed Saddam had cotton," the president claims, "I'm disappointed that he didn't have cotton."

Democrats counter that Iraq is mostly desert, and therefore not an ideal growing place for cotton. "The president brought us into this war on false pretenses," claims democratic Senator Ted Kennedy. "He made up cotton. In reality, there is no cotton."

"That's an absolute outrage," said RNC chairman Ken Mehlman of the Senator's comments. "Senator Kennedy just doesn't understand this war. He must be drunk again. He just doesn't wear cotton because it shrinks when it gets wet, and whenever Senator Kennedy gets drunk he drives his car into a lake and gets all wet and kills a girl, and that really happened once, you know!"

Liberals Don't Understand the Threat of Cotton![edit]

Liberals in America have consistanly misunderstood the threat of cotton, and in some instances, actively sought to defend cotton. This tradition goes all the way back to democratic President Jimmy Carter, who was so close to cotton that he was dubbed by his detractors Jimmy "Cotton-gin." Democratic President Bill Clinton (Bill "Cotton")was said to have slept with cotton every night. This scandalous behavior was not brought to the public eye because Clinton was protected by his cronies at CNN ("Cotton" News Network). Since the war on cotton began, democrats have advocated cotton rights. They dispute the president's ability to try cotton in miltary tribunals. As John Kerry said, "Cotton deserves every right afforded to all Americans by our constitution." Liberals simply don't understand. You're either with us, or you are with the cotton.

Al Gore Thinks that People Cause Cotton![edit]

Potential spread of cotton in the U.S. in the year 2032

In the summer of 2006, former Vice President Al Gore released a movie which claimed that people are the cause of the rapid spread of cotton in the last century. He proposes that we act now to appease the cotton by feeding it all of our gasoline and crippling our economic growth or else, as he put it, "By the year 2012 three quarters of the continental United States will be covered in cotton."

Possible Solutions[edit]

Return to Slavery- On the floor of the United States Senate, Senator Robert Byrd proposed this solution to the spread of cotton: "Why in my day...In my day...We didn't have this threat of cotton...We went out, and we got the negros to pick it all for us...And then we made funny white hoods to wear out of it...And then...What was I...CONSTITUTION!"

Former Virginia Senator George Allen, who has gotten himself into trouble by referring to a young African-American as "Macotton," has said that a return to slavery is a path that needs to be considered.

Most African-Americans have rejected this solution, although the brave comedian, Bill Cosby has offered his services and made great strides in combatting the threat.

Bill Cosby, a hero in the War on Cotton, has volunteered his cotton-picking services to save the nation

Napalm- Some influential Bush administration advisers have advocated the use of Napalm to destroy the world's cotton feilds.

Pharmaceutical Company Conspiracy[edit]

Many people have noticed upon opening their bottles of medication that there is cotton inside. This proves that cotton not only drinks gas and laundry detergent; it also eats Advil. An investigation is underway to find out how the cotton got into the medicine bottles. Some claim that they were placed there by evil pharmaceutical companies in an attempt to kill the elderly.

Border Security[edit]

In October of 2006, President Bush signed into law a bill to deal with the increasing influx of cotton from Mexico. Under the new law, a fence will be built along the U.S.-Mexican border through which cotton cannot travel. Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo( a man who likes anal intercourse with boston terriers) praised the new law and blasted the Mexican leadership for allowing cotton to come into the United States in the first place. "It is obvious that Mexican Presidente Vincente Fox has a vested interest in exporting his cotton to America."

Presidente Fox replied: "No te puedes comprender que estoy hablando. Viva la algodon."

Donald Rumsfeld on the History of Cotton[edit]

Former United States Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld has been accused of supporting the growth of cotton in the mid to late 1980's. When pressed on this issue by a reporter, this was his reply:

"My goodness. What can I say? Did we support the growth of cotton in the 80's? You bet we did. Was that a rational thing to do at the time? You bet it was. It was a different world then. Does anyone honestly believe that the Soviet Union would have collapsed if we didn't have cotton on our side?"