Cotton Buds

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A international symbol of power, income and strength. The original "Ear Hole Poker" is still going strong after 150 years

Cotton Buds (greek Kirtan Bads) are a cosmetic product first invented by the Victorians of England in 1846. Common names for Cotton Buds are Q Tips in North America and Ear Hole Pokers in Middlesbrough.


In 1846 Mary Jane Lonley was working as a waitress in a Cocktail Bar when she discovered that she had a clogging of the ear. As Mary had unfeasibly large fingers she found it very difficult to get at the impeding and obstructive wax and presided to search the bar for a suitible implement to get at the pesky wax. What she came up with was a cocktail stick with Rabbit fur attached to the end, therefore she could easily remove the wax that was causing her such discomfort. A few weeks later she had a Eureka moment when she heard some of the bar customers complaining that their ears were also getting blocked. Mary began to make more "Ear Hole Pokers" as they began to be known and patented her idea as Scary Mary's Ear Hole Pokers and sales went astronomical in the winter of 1847.

1910 - 1970[edit]

Cotton Bud Union......commies

During the summer of 1910 while Britain was preparing for invasion of foreign lands, Marys Ear Hole Pokers were selling millions by the week and a factory to mass produce them had been built in Seaton Carew, Hartlepool. The new government at the time did not wish to sound common and so decided to re brand the product following a government sponsored buyout. The new product was called Cotton Buds and housewives and immigrants throughout the UK lapped them up. Sales increased steadily and profits soared as Cotton Buds became the UK's second major export (the first being child molesters and criminals) by 1967.

The NCWU (National Cotton Buds Workers Union) was established in 1956 as a trade union in support of the many communists that now wrorked in the sector. Fearing a backlash from the Red Commies, the UK government decided that the Cotton Bud industry was becoming a source of contention between rival political parties and foreign governments and in a move that was sorely critised at the time sold off the company to Saudi Arabia in 1970.

1970 - 2001[edit]

For over thirty years the Saudi Arabian government employed large quantities of underage boys the 1970 Cotton Bud deal sparked world condemnation. The reported fee for the deal was close to £2billion of which most was paid in Steak Pies]]and girls to work in their Cotton Bud factories, it was claimed that as well as exporting arms to despot countries and price fixing oil, the Saudi's sought to impose their fundementalist views via anthrax tipped Cotton Buds to poision millions. This plan came to a head on September 11 2001 when Cotton Buds were used by Saudi terrorists to hijack the planes that caused 9/11. The world had now changed and the future of Cotton Buds seemed bleak a backlash against the product witnessed sales plummeting to pre 1910 figures.

2001 - Present[edit]

Former England and Newcastle pin up boy Peter Beardsely opened his Morpeth factory to the cheers of thousands

Following the US and British invasions of Middle East lands at the start of the new century, the percived evil of Cotton Buds has decreased. The main threat of terrorism has stolen the light from Cotton Buds which are now seeing improved sales once again. Peter Beardsley the former Newcastle striker bought the industry from the Saudis in 2003 for £50.000 after he raised the cash by eating as many Corned Beef pasties as he could while running up Whitby steps. He has revereted the Cotton Bud's back to their original name of Ear Hole Pokers and established a factory in Morpeth.


  • Cotton Buds are banned from UK Ports due to a security risk
  • Dogs are allergic to Cotton BUds
  • They were a much sought after prize on Bullseye in 1987
  • Stan Boardman was arrested for putting one in his "Jap's Eye"
  • You need a trillion of them to clean the Great Red Spot (or at least plug that storm.)