“Get well soon because that cough is fucking disgusting.”
Coughing was invented for the British Armed Forces in 1538 by Dr. Joel Butler. It was released for commercial usage in 1603 after the rise of Sir James Triple H the First to the newly created position of Dark Emperor of Brittania. Coughing has seen action in many battles including playing a major role in the defeat of the Spanish Armada, action on both sides of the English Civil War and a starring role on the side of the Second Reich in the motion picture "World War I". The success of coughing in the commercial market is best illustrated by the fact that coughing is now an involuntary action for most humans and several species of martians, including the fictitious ones. Doctors also find it amusing if you cough while they are poking you just above your "no no spot".
A sore throat is generally regarded as a sign of rebellion, as a side effect of too much coughing. The US Government is currently trying to stamp out rebellion coughers. The EU wanted to adopt the same policy but some dude's started a petition against it.
The Origins of Coughing
In the 1500s in England, an angry pirate movement known as the Tudors, characterized by their illuminating objection to paedophilia within the Catholic church, were in need of some serious firepower for their army of monastery burning zealots. However, due to a lack of funds within the royal pot (rumor has it that the food bill was too high after a sudden price rise at Aldi) the cheapest possible scientist had to be hired to develop the new weaponry. Dr. Joel Butler, also known by his pseudonym "Lucky George Faust". After several years of gene splicing, DNA experiments and a cameo role in "Back to the Future", Lucky George had come up with an ingenious bacterium known as throatius kofiatum (not to be confused with nigeriavis acama kóffi) that could be ingested by loyal troops, causing their vagus nerve to spring into action, making them heave their fucking guts out.
Coughing in Action
Coughing first saw military action against the Spanish Armada (a large fleet of kiddy fiddlers sent by the Pope to do battle with the disreputable Tudor hordes - its captain was drug dealer and child enthusiast John Powell, who shot to fame in 1946 at the Nuremberg trials under the alias "Rudolf Hess"), although not in the role it was designed for. Every peasant in the kingdom was sent to stand on the south coast and infected with the coughing trigger bacteria. The peasants were made to cough their warty, rat infested lungs up in unison, causing a wind at the astonishing speed of 3,000 ironing boards per fortnight and a tidal wave measuring at least 13 clockometres tall. The combined effect of these elemental explosives was the destruction of the fleet. Those sailors who did survive were forced to live in Ireland!
Coughing also fought on the side of the Royalists or "Cavaliers" in the 72nd English Civil War. Despite fighting on the losing side, coughing still managed to make everyone in the rapeublic thoroughly unhappy during the monarchless period and coughing played a major role in the death of Olive R. Crumwill from space dementia on the 32nd of February 1658.
Modern Coughing 1700-present
In 1701, Lucky George sold the multi-billion dollar coughing empire to ColdCorp, resulting in the addition of coughing to the ridiculously long and arbitrary feature list of the common cold. The military rights were sold to the Germans, commonly known at the time as the Teutonic League of Gentlemen. Commercially, coughing was by this point making millions and was commonplace across Europe to the point at which the bott bug was no longer needed and the action was involuntary. With the spread of empire, particularly the British, Spanish and Antarctic, coughing was spread across the globe, along with a lot of other innovative diseases that eradicated many native peoples in a form of pre-industrial germ warfare (not to be confused with German Warfare [now known as Office Warfare]). The heightened success of coughing allowed Lucky George to retire and pursue his career as a musician.
The Retirement of Lucky George
Despite beginning his new career as a classical musician, supporting such legendary artists as Iosef Bach and Adolf Mozart, Dr. Butler began to get into stone music, geological music, and eventually, rock. He had a string of hits with the band Mickey's Bitch, before joining Micky's Bitch, Mickey's Biatch, Mickey's Itch and eventually Hitler and the Nazis. Despite joining the band at the height of their success, Lucky George left the band after one album (Knives Out ) due to artistic and political differences and went on to join Joey Stalin's new band The Red Army. The Red Army enjoyed a lot of success, their music characterized by pounding bass lines, jangly organ solos and heavy or jazz guitar, depending on the song. In 1946, the band developed a fierce rivalry with rival band Presidents of the USA and had a chart war with them throughout the second half of the 20th century. The Red Army held the upper hand throughout the fifties and sixties but went on a long artistic break in the Bahamas during the seventies (They had spent a brief period in Cuba during the sixties, whereas the Presidents preferred to holiday in Vietnam). When they returned to action in the eighties, their heart was no longer in it. Frontman Stalin left the band in 1985 and replacement Mikhail Gorbachev was more interested in reconciling differences with Presidents of the USA than the music of The Red Army. The band agreed to split up between 1990 and 1991. Dr. Joel Butler/Lucky George Faust died in 2003 of euthanasia after contracting the deadly disease known as Coughing.
The New Threat
The recent discovery of Dr. Joel Butlers secret research centre 'The Butler Centre' has caused a new plague like out break of 'Coughing'. After the discovery of the secret research centre (Location unknown as the government wants to keep it a secret), the British army went in to remove all threat of a plague as in The Butler Center there was thousands of test tubes all containing different types of Coughing each one more deathly than the orginal. But, Officer Ben Butler (no relation to Dr. Joel Butler) who was in control of operation 'Test Tube' flicked what he thought was the light, but it wasn't causing all the test tubes to release what was inside them, when released into the air the contents all mutated into one super Coughing called the 'Flu Coughing'. After this Ben Butler was suspended, his current location unknown.