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People that share DNA with you (in that they are the children of a parent's brother or sister (aunt or uncle), but otherwise appear completely unrelated to you, often in appearance, ideology, personality, sense of humour, choice of residence, food preferences, and religion. According to experts at the Cousin Research Institute (CRI), cousins are usually whiney and mope around, frequently visit you when you are trying to get some work done, and consume items in your refrigerator. Empirical studies suggest that there are very few members of one's extended family that are more annoying than cousins, though in-laws are a notable exception. Cousins can be a bunch of cunts and pricks with bitchy moms and anal fathers.

Attractive female cousins are often the subject of sensual fantasy for young males. Among the redneck culture, cousins are efficiently combined and recycled into often very small local gene pools. This distillation process is formalized in Catholicism in the ritual of confession.

Other Meanings[edit]

Cousins may also refer to a submarine sandwich chain that frequently confuses your order with someone else's, and is generally inferior to Subway. The name of the chain has nothing to do with that other definition. Nope. None whatsoever.