Crab Dragon

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The Lesser known Crab Dragon is a shy and bizarre creature. Invented by God to screw with everyone's concept of how anything works. Especially all that bullshit that some people believe.

Life Cycle[edit]

If you can find a more messed up life cycle, then you probably made it up. So why not write an article about it? here is an example:

Early Life[edit]

Crab Dragons start off life as small and insignificant beings. The Crab Dragon larvae are nurtured by the oily goodness of shipwrecks (which makes them unique compared to the other pansies of the underwater world.) In these early stages they are incredibly vulnerable to attacks from predators such as Various Crabs, Bigger Fish, Eels, Dolphins, Other larval Crab Dragons, Spongebob, Sharks, Squids, Shamu, Fatties and Michael Jackson

Youth[edit]

As the Crab Dragon larva grows it develops a liking for melancholy bands and the colour black. Often finding that it doesnt fit in with other sea creatures, this leads to one of the reasons why many Crab Dragons never make it to full maturity. Many throw themselves in front of a passing Shark or a nearby Xenomorph which will eat them on sight.

Fewer Crab Dragons take the more emotionally stable route and take to land. And thus reach the next stage of their Complicated and Weird as Hell life cycle.

Later Youth[edit]

The Crab Dragons that have survived this long often stay this way for a long time. They have battled long and hard to take to land, some are caught by Retards and dressed up as girls or made to fight eachother until the Retard is bored and burns it to death with a magnifying glass. God damn Children are wierd.

Unfortunately if the Crab Dragons come to land in a fishing bay, they are instantly deep fried and served as the Nautical variety of Chicken Wings. Few organisations are out to protect Crab Dragons, partially cause very few people have heard of them but those that have just think that they are too delicious.

Early Adulthood[edit]

Or as it has been coined: the "Zoidberg" stage The Crab Dragon has developed to the point where it has shed 4 of it's earlier legs in favour of a more Bipedal stance. It stand upright as it prepares to grow wings and take to the skies. However as so few Crab Dragon larvae manage to reach this stage they are few and far between. And many do not make it beyond this stage as it takes such a long time to reach.

The Most Famous of all Crab Dragons at this stage was definitly Godzilla due to the films in which he starred, and his campaigning for the rights of his younger brethren. His popularity is unrivalled amongst his species unfortunately he was killed shortly before the final stage due to his addictions.

And whilst commonly mistaken for Zoidberg's people Crab Dragons are actually a separate species however closely related. Leading to the coinage of such a title.

Adulthood[edit]

This is the very final stage which can only be achieved by trading the "Zoidberg" stage Crab Dragon with another Game Cartridge to unlock it's final potential. Alternatively a Wild Crab Dragon must enter Mordor and consume a Mordor Jalapeno thus rendering it its awesome Fire Breathing monstrosity.

Myth[edit]

The Crab Dragon is a myth among mythical creatures, perhaps because of it's rarity. Even rarer than that shiny japanese Pokemon card that your freind Bill got just 2 weeks ago from ebay. As such the Crab Dragon has evaded mention in many cultures: Western, Eastern, Southern, Martian and Orkish but A brief legend in the ever growing culture of Fattists describes a delicacy so rare and delicious that to taste of it would render one slim and handsome.

There are those that believe Chuck Norris tasted the meat of this creature after having tracked it down and killed it with his bare hands. Chuck Norris denies this as the legend continues to tell that it was the source of his power. However that is stupid because without that power how would he have caught it?

The only way to defeat a Crab Dragon is to hit it straight to the Goolies, the source of their Power.

The Crab Dragon/Warlocks War[edit]

The Warlock is a Crab Dragons most trusted Ally. the Crab Dragons have aided Warlocks in many battles during the attempts of World Domination (instigated by Warlocks). In Warlock Culture; many paintings and sculptures show the Crab Dragon to be a powerful and elegant creature. Therefore the war between Crab Dragons and Warlocks is a total Myth.

the FSM[edit]

Some legends tell that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was once a Crab Dragon in its final and most powerful form. Whether this is true or not has been debated for a long time. This derives from 2 possible historical tales: One suggesting that the Crab Dragon had angered the Lesser known Chicken God of Ancient Egyptian culture, by being more tasty than it. The Chicken God hit the Crab Dragon with a Meatball spell, straight to the goolies. Alternatively and more scientifically the Crab Dragon concerned stumbled into a vat of Spaghetti Meatballs and was magically fused, science is magic but less interesting because they try to explain everything.

The Church of the FSM has repeatedly tried to cover up and stifle these stories, perhaps they will leave this page be. Or maybe they told me to write it and it is a double bluff. Ah-ha! Now you don't know what to believe!

Brunch[edit]

Nothing to do with Crab Dragons, brunch is just a Myth.

Legend[edit]

see "Myth"

History[edit]

Since records began (appr. 3 months ago) Crab Dragons have revolutionised almost nothing. Across their vast history they have been involved on a menial level within all great ancient civilisations.

In the days of the Neanderthal Crab Dragons were the first to utilise tools, such as mammoths, as fossilised evidence suggests. The use of Mammoths as paintbrushes for their cave paintings is one theorised use. cave paintings by Crab Dragons have been found in: North Germany, South Germany, Russia, Australia,the Sistene Chapel (originally built and painted by Crab Dragons, but photoshopped by that Leonardo daVinci bloke), Switzerland, the Moon, Mordor and Just Down the Road.

At the Battle of Hastings, in 1066, Crab Dragons participated in a strict pacifist protest against the Norman invasion. Lead by Norman from Normandy, France. The french immediately surrendered.

Popular Culture[edit]

Crab Dragons have appeared in films, TV shows, magasines, story books and music. Most notably the contributions made by Godzilla, a prominent actor of his species. They have featured less frequently in magasines due to the inability to capture their true awesomeness.

Big Brother[edit]

It saddens me to say that in a get rich quick scheme a young Crab Dragon entered the Big Brother house. The Crab Dragon went by the name of Judas Gumdrops, but was advised by its PA to change name to something that would be popular to a wider audience. As if Judas Gumdrops wasn't enough of a traitor to her race without changing her name to Jade Goody Gumdrops, she then decided to drop her Patriarchal name. The Gumdrops were a popular family of Crab Dragons well noted for their Hospitality and Inventions such as the Kaleidoscope.

Music[edit]

Crab Dragons frequently make it to the music charts under the disguise of a fellow human. Jay Z (formerly Jordan Zilla, of the Zilla family) has reached international success. Easiest to disguise was the animated band Gorillaz, hiding behind drawings of Apes. The Crab Dragons were free to experiment with sounds. And also secure an appearance as a music group rather than the stereotype of B-Movie monster or Sci-fi alien.

Naturally, following such actions there was outrage amongst some of the Traditionalist Crab Dragons claiming that they were abandoning their heritage for fame. Arguing that success or failure should not be dictated by what species a group was.

Film[edit]

Mr. and Mrs Smith is the tale of two Crab Dragons, both hired assassins for different agencies, hilarity ensues. Alien vs. Crab Dragons a much unknown alternative to the Alien vs. Predator series. Crab Dragons won by punching the Queen Xenomorph straight to the goolies. If the Predator had thought of that then the film wouldn't have been so stupidly long. Seriously. Didn't need to take that long for the predator to actually go to the queen and just kill it without all that bollocks of people interfering.

Crab Dragons are smart like that.

Facts[edit]

2+2 is 4? wrong, Crab Dragons have proved that 2+2 is actually Pi, because it's a tasty number. This ruined Maths and Science and Crab Dragons were excluded from rational thought. This may not have happened. Or perhaps it did, which explains why Crab Dragons are not considered "real" and why I was expelled from the Natural History Museum for rearranging fossils to their true and Crab Dragon format.

Dinosaurs died out because they bred with Birds that had Crabs to make Crab Dragons. screw you Darwin, shove that in your Origin of Species and smoke it.

St. George slayed a Crab Dragon, not a Dragon. This is celebrated in England, it's also a reason why Crab Dragons have Georgeophobia, an Irrational fear of Georges. Not to be confused with Geordiephobia, the irrational fear of becoming a Geordie.

George Bush is a Genius.

A Crab Dragon was due to appear in an episode of Casualty as "Sick Crab Dragon #3" but had to pull out due to illness.

Crab Dragons do not have testicles, they have goolies. Which are completely different

Lies[edit]

Crab Dragons exist...not! Byah!

More Lies[edit]

Testicles are smooth

George Bush is a Genius

Crab Dragons did a sponsored Swim for Al Qaeda

Crab Dragons did a sponsored Walk for Al Qaeda

Al Qaeda did a sponsored Walk for Al Qaeda

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