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“Welcome To Crawley- Now Fuck Off!”

~ Crawley's Tourist Information Bureau's Official Motto

“Welcome To Crawley- Twinned with somewhere you should Fuck Off to.”

~ Crawley's Tourist Information Bureau's Official Motto Continued

“Oh, by the way, your mam's a slag.”

~ On a sign on the A23 into Crawley

“Now Fuck Off!”

~ Further along that same stretch of the A23.

Crawley is an arab town situated in West Sussex. Founded by Saddam Hussein in 1258 BC, the town still shows its arab roots in a very strong manner.


The population of Crawley is hard to measure (approx 100 thousand) with 99.9 % of the population being really nice. The teenage birth rate is massive, with 90% of Grandparents being in their late 20's to early 30's. Crawley boasts the youngest mother in the world, who can't be named here for legal reasons (plus she'll get expelled from kindergarten) It also has the lowest IQ level of all potato farms in Iraq.

It has a very low crime rate, making it terrifying for the locals to visit crime hotbeds such as London, Haywards heath and Brighton. Crawley is an especially good place for people of all genders, races, colours and creeds - the only people who are not welcome are the scum of the far right.

Pigs Stomping Crims
Crawley chav
Crawley chavs day
population increase

Ancient Settlers[edit]

It is rumoured that Jesus once settled in East Crawley (now known as Worth which is derived from the hebrew w'urthless meaning 'havin no value at all'). He is reputed to have studied at Crawley College and gained an HND in Airframe Engineering. Also, Sir Francis Drake sailed to Crawley in 1569 to meet Christopher Columbus who had flown in from Antartica via Gatwick Airport. In addition, Tutankamun is said to be buried under the Tower os St. Margarets Church after allegedly being hit by a train.

The inhabitants of Crawley are looked down on by the rest of the population of Sussex in spite of the fact that, unlike the East Sussex yokels, they have the regulation number of fingers and toes. All the best looking women come from Crawley - a fact that is easy to spot by their lack of hair on the upper lip. There is an unfortunately large Chav contingent in the town as a direct result of the deportation policies of various London boroughs over the years but avoiding them is easy as they all wear tracksuits and have dumb-arsed baseball hats which don't go with any other piece of clothing they own. Their grammar leaves a lot to be desired, for example: Izzzz gunna shank u up bear ends blud u get me!?!!? sick tings poomtang! bruv il leave you gutless send for the ends and send for the cutless!!!?! what bruv im goin on sick!. The meaning of this is yet to be discovered, but as whoever says such a phrase is probably only 10 years old, they can be safely ignored.


As well as having the best sports centre in the south east, sports enthusiasts have a multitude of other opportunities to indulge. Diving enthusiasts have been known to take the plunge from the top gallery of the County Mall.

Formula one enthusiasts regularly compete on the bypass, mountain bikers will enjoy the plethora of street challenges the cycle lanes offer and there is a thriving green bowls club.

Every year the Greyhound pub in Tinsley Green takes a popular playground game to its most competitive level, as it stages the British and World Marbles Championship.

However, despite the large numbers of sports shops, and under 18's wearing sports clothing, the fitness level is terribly low, with the average 10 year old weighing 72 stone.

Marbles Championship....Or Miniture Sumo Championship

Among Crawley Town Football Club's most notable former players are Zirkon the Third - Emperor of the Gammatron Nebular, Insane Nigel from Croydon, Robert Mugabe's mother and Jesus, who was well good on crosses.


Crawley has many achievements to its credit, the most notable being it's ability to thrive in spite of the constant crap thrown at it by the jealous nearby hamlets of East Grinstead and Horsham. The latter being a hotbed of 'gingerism'.

Daley Thompson, Alan Minter, Gareth Southgate and that weird bloke from some reality TV show are famous sons, but Crawley is just very good at getting on with things - we build houses for people to live in, provide shops for supplying their goods, have a transport infrastructure that must have been good once, otherwise why would West Sussex County Council, the national Government and the local (non-resident) councillors have foisted the rubbish Fastwasteofmoney guided bus system on us? They have successfully introduced the concept of gridlock to the local road system but I fancy it won't be long before the ingenuity of the local people figures out a way to reclaim the streets for themselves and get everything flowing smoothly again. Step one will probably just need the removal of all the traffic lights (it's believed that someone in West Sussex County Council took a bung to inflict more than 500 traffic lights around the town). If that doesn't improve things then another solution could be to alter the signposting around the town so the yokels can't find it. Crawley has also won an award for cow raping.


Crawley is home to the pyramids of Giza and Stonehenge. Also if you travel to the outskirts of Crawley you will find the leaning tower of Pisa. Crawley's greatest landmark however is the County Mall. A place with plenty of shops, food outlets and very very nice shop-assistants. Mount Everest is clearly visible from the top of the County Mall, as is the River Rhine that flows through the town centre and cuts through the Great Wall of China near the mouth of Crawley's branch of the Channel Tunnel (or Trans Manche link as the cheese-eating surrender monkeys insist on calling it).

Crawley is most famous for it's mountain,Locals call it by many names like mount chavmore, chavspeak or chavarrest.

crawley mountain

Anti-Chav Agencies[edit]

There has been talk of some of the non-chav residents of Crawley starting up an Anti-Chav Agency in order to combat the ever-growing swarm of chavs populating the area. Possible plans of action include arming all non-chavs with pepper spray, and the slightly more controversial idea of an emo army. Although no visible action has been taken yet, more and more residents of Crawley have shown a great interest in these ideas.