Known History of the Humble Crayon
The known history of the humble crayon begins in Medieval Germany in 1865, when the first crayons were molded by extruding partially-melted snot through the holes of discarded Nipkow disks. Naked at birth, the slime-covered and slippery crayons proved to be quite difficult to grasp betwixt young eager fingers and even more difficult to identify by spectral analysisesises. An emergency consultation with Martha Stewart led to a satisfactory solution of both of these insidious problems; soon, thousands of malnourished orphans were brutally enslaved to lovingly hand-wrap all crayons with color-coded rolling paper and laboriously hand-type critical nomenclaturic information and Nutrition Facts on their outer surfaces.
Primitive crayons originally came in two and only two colorless colors: and . These were considered offensive and changed to Landowner White and First AIDS Black, respectively. 1903 witnessed the experimental introduction of , with as a logical followup a few years later.
Colorization of Crayons
After many dull decades of lackluster coloring book sales, the Ted Turner Broadcasting Network took over the struggling Crayola™ manufacturing plant and relaunched the crayon industry on a frighteningly new course that eventually succeeded in offending every single remaining racial and ethnic group on Earth. Within a few short months, preschools and kindergartens all over America were bombarded by an additional 16,777,212 crayon colors, which has been since determined as the primary cause of the onset of the turbulent 1960's.
The Crayon's Competitors
The Notable Crayon-Related Incident of 1966
The next notable crayon-related incident took place in 1966, when I deliberately lodged one (1) French Yellow Crayola™ up my little brother's nose (entirely by accident, I swear!), and we had to take him to the hopsital for an emergency nasal crayonectomy because he wouldn't stop screaming. When he finally awoke from the anaesthesia a few days later, he spotted the blood-stained crayon on a nearby surgical tray and promptly ate it. Whotta dweeb.
Methodists tend to have a bad habit of mispronouncing the word crayon as "kray-yone" and being Methodists.
Methodist Coloring Book
You've got a methodist coloring book, and you color really well. But don't color outside the lines or God will send you to Hell. Cuz God is good, and God doesn't mind, but he really hates people who color outside the lines. Let's all thank him for our crayolas. You've got a Methodist Coloring book.
Recalled Crayon Colors
In January 2006, the following Crayola™ crayon colors were recalled by the manufacturers for various reasons:
- Fluorescent Strobe (due to various complaints of induced epileptic seizures)
- Periwinkle (due to alleged insensitivity concerning endangered marine mollusc species)
- French Yellow (due to countless nose-related lawsuits and costly settlements)
- Infra-Red (due to its invisibility to everyone bar Jews)
- Xorange (due to the fact that it is highly explosive when in contact with other colors)
- Coonchalk (due to discontent and angry feedback within a certain anonymous minority)
- Doub-O Orange (due to the fact that it was anti-Doub-O)
Did you know that Crayons are not just coloring utensils? They are the rejected wands from Olivander's wizard wand shop that nobody wanted to buy or use because quite frankly who would want to use a colored short little rod to practice the fantastical art of magic? Certainly not any wise wizard or witch. They were made pocket size for easy concealment in a cloak or cauldron. Also, although considered not practical in the real wizarding world, as they were too easily lost due to small size, another use was thought up. Crayon were baked into cakes which were then given to the psychotic wizards in Azkaban in secret. They would then use these mini wands after eating them out of the cakes to escape. Eventually, the magical qualities were taken out of the Crayons due to the increased obesity rate of the Wizards in Azkaban. Health officials got too concerned. So now they are simple coloring sticks for children to eat. A known unusual side effect of eating Crayons is the chronic ability to defecate rainbows, often exploited by flying ponies.