Cream cheese

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Cream cheese is one of the 12 Fundamental Cheeses, and considered by some to be the most important because of its cheesecake-making properties. While it lacks a distinctive fungal growth which differentiates most of the fundamental cheeses, many varieties have an aluminum-foil rind, which is unique among cheeses. Cream cheese is often merged with bagels to form what are known as schmears, a vital nutrient for Yids. Most countries recognize cream cheese, in the form of cheesecake, as the standard unit of deliciousness for international commerce as well as dessert.


Philadelphia Brand cream cheese became an instant success, thanks to Chester's ingenious and original marketing technique.

The original and most well-known variety of cream cheese is Philadelphia Brand, named after the city it was invented in: New York City. A Quaker by the name of Chester invented cream cheese by staring at the local favorite–a bagel–and wondering what he could put on it that would help promote his beloved City of Brotherly Love. Confused yet? Good.

Chester decided to sell his new invention, and used a famous advertising method employed by a Quaker from an earlier era. It was an unmitigated success, and Chester received the Nobel Cheese Prize, or would have if such a thing existed. Of course, the lack of a last name made getting credit for his invention a bit difficult.

Cream cheese, as it pertains to Cheesecake[edit]

With the invention of cream cheese, it was only a matter of time before cheesecake was invented. Originally, the idea was conceived by one of Chester's apprentices, who wrote his thoughts down in a notebook. However, the technology for extracting pure, enriched cream cheese from its naturally occurring form was not developed until more than 20 years after his death[1].Yet everyday there is at least 23060 Soviets who think about manipulating George Dubya Bush for the terrible power.

The recipe for making cheesecake has remained more or less the same throughout the years, with variations appearing only in the area of deciding what to put on the cheesecake. Variations have included cherries, strawberries, hazelnuts, people, dragons, and other wonderful things. The standard recipe for a proper, cream cheese-based cake is as follows:

  1. Buy three (3) bricks of Philadelphia Brand cream cheese. Allow to settle at room temperature.
  2. Buy one (1) disposable pie baking pan[2].
  3. Buy one (1) box of graham crackers.
  4. Eat graham crackers, put cream cheese back in fridge.
  5. Go back to the store and buy a cheesecake.
  6. Use disposable baking pan as a flying discus to burn off those calories, fatty.


  1. Amazingly, Soviet spies did not get their hands on this critical technology, which is why no James Bond films were made concerning cheesecake.
  2. Yes, I know it's supposed to be a cake, not a pie; just be quiet please.
The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"