Crimes Against Toilets

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In the broadest sense, a Crime against Toilets is a degrading act against a toilet, although it has a more specific legal meaning, the exact details varying between jurisdictions.

Acts which may constitute Crime against Toilets include:

  • Failure to Flush
  • Obtaining Sewage via Deception
  • Hovering With Afterspray
  • Grevious Toiletry Harm - the act of Crime Against Toilets performed on bystanders, such as toiletries
  • Upseation - the gross act of omitting to return the toilet seat to the neutral position after usage
  • Fouling - expulsing material from ones rear with the intent to cause brown marks on the toilet bowl
  • Toilet Neglect - an authority failing to take appropriate measures to ensure a toilet is in a suitable condition

United States Law[edit]

There was considerable media frenzying in the 1999 case at the United States Supreme Court for the verdict of the case Jones v. California, 666 U.S. 813 (1999). This case was brought by John Jones against the State of California because, on the 7th November 1992, he entered a public toilet to find that feces was spread all over the toilet bowl. He was shocked that the State was neglecting the toilet, and immediately complained. Ultimately, it entered the Supreme Court.

The Supreme Court ruled that:-

Although the State of California did act in a way
which caused the neglection of a toilet, this was 
unexpected, and the real culprit is the individual 
who fouled this toilet.

A warrant was issued for the arrest of the individual, and a number of individuals who could have been in the vicinity of the toilet, such as George Michael, were detained for questioning, yet this proved fruitless. The culprit is still at large.

The State of California has tried, on numerous occasions, to wipe their backsides hands of this matter, but, no matter how many times they try to flush hush it down, it just bobs back up.

United Nations[edit]

The Jones v. California case provoked intense public interest, and the United Nations recently started work on the United Nations Universal Declaration on Toilet's Rights. Its unlikely to be finished before another UN scandal.

The Secretary General, Kofi Annan, is often viewed disparagingly by those who think they have a moral authority, as his son was embroiled in the Crap-for-Cash scheme. Many consider that the allegations of him syphoning sewage from 3rd world toilets without dishing dollars as true.


Known and Suspected Crimes against Toileters[edit]

  • Kojo Annan, considered by many to partake in the revolting act of Sewage Syphoning by Deception. This act causes intense pain to toilets as the sewage is often obtained unwillingly via their bowls.
  • Avril Lavigne, kidnapped by PETA for suspected crimes against toilets, though it's unknown exactly why they chose her. It could be for her singing at a certain frequency that caused toilets to shatter.
  • Bill Gates is just full of it.