You might be wondering, what exactly is a cross-eyed pineapple? Well, that's where I come in. I have absolutely no idea what a cross-eyed pineapple is. I googled it, I checked wikipedia, and I couldn't find a single reference to it on urban dictionary. This leads me to the following conclusion. The cross-eyed pineapple is not only hiding, but also has friends in high, low, and perhaps even scary places with the intent of destroying all and any data that could possibly reveal the cross-eyed pineapple's identity and/or secret, pineapple lair. I'm sure that you've drawn the same conclusions yourself. Regardless, I felt the need to collect some hard facts about this shifty pineapple character, so I took time out of my busy, busy pointless life to gain intel on the cross-eyed pineapple. Here is what I have so far.
What, Who, and WTF!?
Needless to say, the cross-eyed pineapple is some sort of animated pineapple. Unlike other pineapples, he has a long, grey beard, some bling, and is always wearing sunglasses. I think it's pretty obvious why he wears sunglasses; he's trying to look cool of of course. Sometimes when he's out partolling the streets he wears a pimp hat. Based on these features you are probably thinking one of two things: The cross-eyed pineapple is a gangsta or he is Osama Bin Ladin dressed like a pimp.
The cross-eyed pineapple is in no way related, associated, or has anything to do with Osama Bin Laden, because all the bin laden jokes have been raped countless times. Therefore, from that highly intellectual and analytical perspective, the cross-eyed pineapple must be a pimped out gangsta.
How did it come alive?
Well, the cross eyed pineapple wants you to believe that he was brought to life, because of evolution. His propaganda states that pineapples are raped and murdered on a day to day basis by barbarians and 40 year old virgins with nothing better to do than to fuck pineapples. How anyone can actually enjoy eating a pineapple is beyond me, but I suppose they are a bit edible on pizza. Well, to avoid being molested and eaten alive, the pineapple was forced to evolve. The only slight problem with this cover story is that there is only one walking, talking pineapple and there hasn't been a single archeolgical finding to suggest any pineapple has ever evolved. It just seems slightly unlikely that a pineapple transform from a disgusting mindless fruit to a disgusting gang lord.
How it really came alive
To be honest, I was mentally crippled by what I found out and it's taken years of therapy for me to even tell you this, so brace yourself. The easter bunny and an unknown participant referred to as O.W. were seen together on the night of Halloween in 1976. Apparently they were in the bedroom for hours and one of the walls actually gave way which caused most of the roof to collapse, but that's all quite insignificant compared to what happened next. They realized that they didn't have any Jackolanterns and they were really hoping for some candy loving little boys to come to their front door. The problem was that they didn't have any pumpkins and there was only an hour left before the trick or treaters came out.
As you can imagine, the thought of a Halloween without the presence of young, innocent boys disturbed O.W. very much, so they grabbed an old pineapple and put sun glasses on it. They hallowed it out, but then they ran out of time so they didn't have time to carve it. The easter bunny asked O.W. why there was a hole in the back of it and O.W. lied to him that it'd been like that when he bought it. He later admitted that it was his fucking hole. After a few hours, O.W. started to get extremely angry. Apparently it took more than a pine apple with sun glasses to lure little boys to the doorstep.
The easter bunny gave up and went to bed, urging O.W. to join him, but O.W. refused. Instead he stayed up all night drinking red wine and cran berry juice. When the easter bunny woke up, O.W. carved him up with a carving knife and cut out his brain. As a result, the easter bunny became just another false story to tell little kids about. O.W. managed to clean up all the mess and discard the body, but he overlooked one thing. When the cops came to investigate the easter bunny's disappearence, O.W. discovered the bunny's brain under the couch. He quickly hid the brain inside of the pineapple. The cops didn't bother conducting a proper investigation, they knew that O.W. was guilty and they didn't want anymore prisoners to suffer O.W.'s methods of passing the time.
O.W. threw the pineapple out and who would've guessed that it'd sprout arms, legs, and a beard. The rest is history.
You're probably thinking, wtf could a cross-eyed pineapple accomplish. Well, a lot actually. The cross-eyed pineapple operates a global wide drug ring. He ships around all his drugs in a particular type of fruit. Can you guess what kind? Yep, you're right, they ship the drugs inside of mangoes. Nobody would expect mangoes to have drugs in them. It works great for getting past the drug sniffing dogs, because the cops all know how much dogs love to fuck mangoes, so they ignore them.
The cross-eyed pineapple was also responsible for the attempted assassination of Hitler. Apparently Hitler stole some of his hoes so the cross-eyed pineapple wanted vengance. I'm not entirely certain, but I've found some documents that suggest that the cross-eyed pineapple and his gang were a day away from rolling on into Germany and shooting the place up with more holes than a slice of swiss cheese from O.W.'s fridge.
The cross-eyed pineapple only roles with fruit that's either hairy or pointy and under no circumstances will he associate with apples. I once heard him say, 'I'd rather stack a pile of steaming, hot shit on my dick than be anywhere near one of those smooth, red, crack whoring apples.' I'm not really sure what that means, but seriously, he'll rip apples to shreds.
As it stands, the cross-eyed pineapple is usually hanging out with coconuts, hairy fruit, and pine cones. I don't know why he hangs out with pine cones...I mean...they're not a fruit. I don't think. You can't eat them or anything, but...I dunno, the weird thing too is that the pine cones are his lieutenants. So, yah, I don't know wtf is up with that.
You may be wondering why he doesn't act like the easter bunny. Afterall, he does have the easter bunny's brain. Well, I did a little digging and I found out that you really can't dig to China. Then I did some research on the matter and discovered that the easter bunny's brain was actually a pineapple brain all along. Apparently the easter bunny used to be just an ordinary old bunny until it was given a brain from a pine apple. So, yah. I'll bet that explains it.
Well, the cross-eyed pineapple's secret lair is hard to explain. Basically it's just a secret, floating, underground fortress in outter space in a galaxy far, far away. I can't really explain how this all works, so I've had a professional draw a diagram.
Oh, yah, I forgot. It's also got a super ray beam attached to it.
Pineapple cake is the biggest abomination on the planet. It is so incredibly bad that not even the cross-eyed pineapple can eat it. In fact, he can't even get as close to it as most people can. He's been known to cry and scream like a little girl whenever he's anywhere near pineapple cake. I heard that he once cracked one of his cocanut body guards in half because he baked him a pineapple cake. (In case you are unfamiliar with gang ethics, bodyguards will often bake cakes for their gang lords as a sign of respect and dedication)
For anyone who hasn't seen this (SEE IT), the premise of the movie is that there are guys who are high running away from a gang that sells drugs. Naturally, this is the cross-eyed pineapple's all time favourite film. However, someone recently stole the film from him. The location of the film was determained by using some unique torture methods. A man is never quite the same after his face has been smashed up with a pineapple. I'm glad he gave up the info when he did. The next phase of torture was to use a pineapple like a cheese grator on his balls. Yes, the cross-eyed pineapple is indeed a cruel and ruthless gang lord.
Struggle for Power
Well, obviously no one wanted to side up with a cross-eyed pineapple when he first attempted to get his drug ring up and running, but the Pineapple managed to recruit most of his members from the Veggie Tales cast. Despite being outgunned, the cross-eyed pineapple managed to make most of his deals by declaring obscene, nonsesible insults to offend the dealers. One of his most famous insults was, 'You're nothing, but a titless nanny goat you fuckn bean hacker.' Once he gained some underground power his insults turned into threats such as, 'Would you like getting teabagged by a monkey scrotum, or would you rather I shove my head up your ass?' I guess these techniques worked out for him.
The cross-eyed pineapple also owns a porn industry held in high regard among perverts and confused teens alike. As the logo with the pine apple headed chicken suggests, most of his porn movies involve extremely bizar participants. For example, some of his films involve a horse with utters on its head, a dog with a penis for a tongue, or a tree covered in firecrackers and virginas.
The cross-eyed pineapple has the ability to see the future and has predicted a number of things. 1. At 3:00pm, June 28 of 2009, a human baby will be born 2. Between 5:00 and 6:00am of January 2 of 2010 over five people will die 3. Cigerattes will exist for over one hundred years 4. Obama will enslave the white man
Asides from his brief, inanimated time with O.W., the cross-eyed pineapple has never been able to find a girl stoned and drunk enough to fuck him. I think it's because of his repugnant personality.
The cross-eyed pineapple plans to committ a world wide genocide of the apples as well as find Luke Skywalker in hopes that he too may become a Jedi Knight. Furthermore, he would like to find a cure for Pilonidal disease. I'm not really sure why.