“Daniel is our King”
“All hail King Daniel”
“Owls are total fags”
Crows belong to the family Corvidae which is latin for something very English. Often described as intelligent, crows are in fact unbelievably dumb. They often fly in circles, fly into windows, explode, and land in alligator's mouths. Heavily featured in Alfred Hitchcock's film: The Birds. Crows are no stranger to celibrity, as famous American Crow (corvus brachyrynchos) Morgan Freeman consistently demonstrates with his ever growing popularity in the human world. All crows were driven to extinction in the year 1943 because of the malicious activities of one Tom Cruise. (See below)
How to create a Crow
Put inside nothing.
Add nothing to it
And to prove it doesn't exist
Squash it flat as nothing with nothing
Chopped it up with a nothing
Shaken it in a nothing
Turn completely inside out
And scatter it over nothing-
So everyone sees that is nothing
And that nothing more can be done with it
Drop it *light applause light*
When your nothing hits the ground and breaks-
There lies Crow, cataleptic.
Crows in Religion
Beige and Yellow crows, often confused with Canaries are revered in many religions all around the world. In fact, many obscure religions like Hinduism, Scientology and Astrophysics are all centered around crows. Gifting a crow meant that all the religious significance would be lost. There appears to be an explanation for this in various religious treatises, but it is believed completely difficult to comprehend crowish. Crows have realised the truth about religion, that there are two gods. One much bigger than the other, loving all his enemies and having all the weapons. These religions revere crows so much that it is forbidden to sodomize, excersize, scold and in the case of extremely orthodox fanatics, fry crows. If anyone is caught doing this, the are usually condemmned to life in hell, and are forced into the most horrible punishment ever - to ingest the crow that they have sodomized, excercised, scolded or fried the....... 'white trash' believe this just like every other false crap on bible. This is where the expression "eat crow" originated from.
Crows in Politics
George W Bush is well known to regularly sodomize, excercize, scold and fry crows. The CIA hushes up the fact of his links with the devil by claiming it is all "meaningless rumors" however, Bush's malpractices with crows clearly indicate his inclination towards devil worship. Since everyone agrees that politics is devil worship, it is apparent that crows are the reason for so much politics. There are some radical movements that blame the crows instead of the religious fanaticm surrounding them (see above) and therefore want to exterminate all crows. However, the people for the protection of crows (PPC) (with considerable political backing) have managed to stall the movement on ecological grounds. Politicans all over the world met up in the great political convention of 1957 and passed a resolution banning the sodomising, excercising, scolding and frying of crows (except by those with license, AKA the devil-worshipping politicians). Killing of crows to reduce devil worship by means of guns, swords, sticks, bones, monks, radishes, and Bald old men was banned. The radical fanaticts reacted by finding a loopehole in the ban, and began to kill crows by chewing off their heads. Jimi Hendrix, is the most famous example, having performed it onstage in the middle of a rock concert, to show his dedication against devil worship. This is where the phrase "Eat crow" originated from.
Crows in Circuses
Crows are used in circuses as props, lighting and as compensation to patrons who have been attacked by, bitten, de-limbed, urinated on, or otherwise are disgusted by the smell of an animal that has broken free. The Patrons usually left disgusted and insulted, probably because they thought that the Ringmaster thought them to be politicians. Since the crow thus gifted was wasted and of no religious significance, the crow was simple chopped up and thrown into the mess for use in some soup or vegetable salad. This is where the phrase "eat crow" originated from.
Crows in History
Crows have great historic significance. They have played a major role in almost every major historical event. In the year 24671 BC, during the great Neanderthal small-pox outbreak, a crow is said to have flown in with a cure all the way from Athens. However, the cure was dropped in a bag of crowfood, and many crows ingested it, and none could be salvaged. The only recource of the Neanderthals was to eat the crow to get to the cure. This is how the expression "eat crow" has originated. In the year 30 Jesus was lying dead on his cross and was waiting for the second coming. In the meanwhile, his body had lost all it significance and was being eaten by crows. Joseph of Armithea was standing by, and pointed out to his buddy John that the crows were eating bits of the lord. This is from where the leser known expression Crow Eat has originated. During the great seige of constantinople in the year 2001, Crows were the messengers between allies Turkey and France. Constantinople used crows as messengers to ask for help from Yugoslavia, India and Afghanistan but got no replies. Due to the seige, the food was running out, and the people were forced to eat their messengers. This is from where the phrase "Eat crow" has originated. Before the Titanic sank, a crow is said to have shouted to Captain Smith, "Iceberg right ahead." However, Captain Smith was busy masturbating on a picture of Katie Holmes, and did not hear the warning.
Crows vs. Owls
Crows are intelligent creatures, and are not beyond holding a grudge for no apparent reason, except for in the case of Owls, in which there is an ongoing war that has been raging since before the days of Megatron and Optimus Prime. It is a well documented fact that Crows have a deep seated hatred of Owls (Heddus Twistusphorgayus) and will attack an Owl on sight, given half the chance. This hatred is believed in certain circles to have stemmed from when a drunk Owl informed some nearby Crows that the reason they could rotate their heads almost all the way around behind them, was so that they could see George Michael performing his most secret of party pieces. In time Owls have come to all be flagrant Homosexuals that enjoy nothing more than flying away without reciprocating, and laughing about it on the other side of town with all their gay Owl buddies. Crows remember this and upon seeing an Owl sleeping in they middle of the day (A telling habit of the out homosexual or half-breed Human-Owl) they will attack en-masse and ruin said Owls shit. Owls return this act of cleansing with attacks on young crows, a truly cowardly act which gives us proof that Owls are in fact, total fags.
Crows in Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise had one look at his baby and realised that Katie Holmes was not only being sodomized by crows. He took revenge by killing all crows in existance, but because of the ban, could only bite their heads off. This is where the term "Eat crow" has originated from, but will be terribly short lived because of his actions.
Language of Crows
CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW!!! ... CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW!!!
Crows Relating to Awesomeness
"Crows are lyk, the most awesomest birds in the Universe!"