Crumbs

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Crumbs are small pieces of anything that is crumbly. Crumbly things are things that easily crumble into crumbs.

The etymology of the word "crumb"[edit]

The first recognizable form of the word crumb was in an ancient Babylonian text referred to, by historians, as ‘the book of statements’ written in an ancient Babylonian dialect called Babulak. The word appears in the form; “Ka-rumbe”, which can then be traced to the Assyrian word “Ka-romb”, through to the Persian word “Kah-rum”, the Hebrew “Khrum”, the Greek “Krum” and finally the modern English “crumb” in the late 12th century. After reaching England, the divine nature of crumbs lead to there being a bit of a taboo about saying the exact word. In essence “crumbs” evolved into a violently rude word, which no self-respecting Englishman would utter. Those who felt the urge to swear would often just say a nonsensical word to express their anger, and the one that caught on was “crap” although “crud” was another popular variation. Gradually the word “crap” that started as an innocent replacement for the despicable and blasphemous utterance of the word “crumb”, turned into a rude word in and of itself. It is only now in modern times that people have started saying “crumbs” in order to avoid saying “crap”, completely defeating the whole point of saying “crap” in the first place, and beginning what looks to be a long and unstoppable linguistic cycle, often referred to by specialists as the “crap-crumb cycle”.

The History of crumbs

There is no doubt that ancient people were aware of the existence of crumbs, with many notable references in the literature of the ancient Babylonians and Assyrians. Scientific research on the exact nature of crumbs did not begin until the late 16th century, when the great Canadian scientist Alfredo Shaxbeard first noted:

“These crumbes entyce and puzzel me. They are larjere than a graine of sande and yet smallere than any vejetacion I am awar of: To me they are betwixt sand and vejetabol in size and propertie.”

However unstandardized his spelling, Alfredo hit gold here by being the first man to begin formalizing the properties of the crumb. It is now considered common knowledge that crumbs a re bigger than a sand and yet smaller than any vegetable eaten in most civilized countries, but without Alfredo no such definition would exist.

Following this first observation Alfredo made great leaps in the field now referred to a crumbology (pronounced krum-O-lo-JEE), he discovered that that crumbs were made up of a great number of smaller discrete packages called crumblettes. The exact size of a crumblette varies from substance to substance, but a typically they have a radius of around 0.004mm.

Famous Crumbs

The most famous crumbs currently known to man are undoubtedly Jamarcus McFlan's infamous gravity-defying crumblettes, that were simultaneously presented to the both the FBI and the Cambodian Fishmonger's Union on 18th Feb 1986. The crumbs could not only defy gravity with an eye-boggling array of various spins, jumps and summersaults, but they could each recite the opening line’s of Milton’s ‘Paradise Lost’ in eight different languages, including Esperanto.Rumor has it that these famous crumbs were derived from desiccated Parsnip, but Jamarcus has neither confirms nor denies these theories, saying only that: ‘My crumbs is the best crumbs there is, and you guys shouldn’t give a rat’s ass how I made ‘em’

Robert Crumb is a noted American philosopher and artist, famous for his large-footed, whimsical portraits of American life, as well has his philosophy that people should endeavor to

"Keep On Truckin'."

Crumbs is also the username of a teacher on an internet rugby forum. He is notable for hurting kids in more ways than simply teaching them his atrocious version of the English language. He is also frequently used as an escape goat.

Other notable crumbs include the incredible operatic cheese crumbs first owned by Princess Steve of West Prussia and the cunningly paradoxical big-black-small-white crumbs of Serge Mushbucket.

The Future of crumbs

The future of crumbs is uncertain, but one thing we do know is that there is still a lot left to learn. Some research is currently being carried out in Luton, England, in which scientist have successfully turned a crumb of pure Gold in 3 crumbs of low-fat cheese spread. This represents an exciting new direction in crumbology involving the conversion of crumblettes from one base-type to another, which could have enormous repercussions on the pet cosmetics industry.