Crumbs: The Biscuit That Walks Like A Man

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James Lechowskigriffson was a bored billionaire with no friends, a scientist locked in the basement and a passion for hob-nobs. At a demonstration of a radioactive disco light held in his basement, his hobnob was suddenly irradiated. Not knowing this, he bit into it. Instead of dying a slow and agonising death, he inexplicably gained super-abilities! At first he exploited these abilities in order to infiltrate women's locker rooms, but after causing his butler Hadlingtonsmythe a slight rash he learned to use his powers for good, and not EEEE-VIL.


Lechowskigriffson posesses the astounding ability to metamorphosise into a biscuit, but not just any biscuit- a flying biscuit with super hearing and a hunger for justice. He can change into any type (excluding jaffa cakes of course) but generally resumes the form of a hobnob for his adventures. Also is a snappy dresser.

The greatest super hero team in the world ever, honest-but don't come round here checking[edit]

After his public debut, Lechowskigriffson was swiftly inducted into the hallowed ranks of the legendary team of EEEE-VIL battlers, working alongside Picasso, The Snitch, The Thtone Mathon and Fred. He quickly proved his worth in battle against the guy-who-can-do-anything-but-can't-really-be-arsed, and then later the rest of those bad dudes that have a long name.

But unfortuantely in 1908 a young Chuck Norris came and roundhouse kicked Crumbs to oblivion Scatering the legendary some say none existant crumbs of crumbs to the four corners of the world. This story is disputed by the people of Japan who believe that is was Gackt and all of his vampire posse that actually used their control over the power of rock and roll to disintegrate the torso of crumbs, and scattered these shards to the mystical fourty thousand winds of dragons and other such whimsical stuff.

Nevertheless the legend remains that crumbs died that day but from these shards/crumbs many spawn of crumbs came forth to seek revenge.

To Chuck Norris, its not a beard on his chin it a permanent scar left when the spawn of Crumbs came and headfucked him.

To Gackt there wasn't much thay could do since he is already a shrivelled Vampire but if you listen carefully in the Redemption song the deep creepy voice is tat of Crumbs/ Spawn of Crumbs threatening gackt never to sleep.


  • "Soaking rich teas!!"
  • "I hope I don't crumble under the pressure-Because that IS the way the cookie crumbles"
  • "I'm going to kill myself"
  • "..please help me, I'm trapped in a lifeless marriage."

Key moments[edit]

In ' the best superhero team in the world ever honest-but don't come round her checking kill Batman!' issue, where he gets eaten by Batman and then waits until inside the dark knight's head to turn to human, causing his head to explode.


Undoubtably Crumb's nemesis is the dog handler, who's high pitched whistle effects only Crumbs in his biscuit form, and so must be battled using none of Crumb's powers at all. Oh, and sometimes Crumbs turns into a dog biscuit and chokes The dog handler's puppies. So it's fair enough really.

Chuck Norris even though its suicide as even God, Jesus and Jebus (who together formed the ever so brilliant and original God, Jesus and Jebus......League or GJJL) couldn't take him down

Gackt lol he so tiny lolol.

Captain obvious for following him around for centuries shout "YOUR A BISCUIT, YOUR NAME IS CRUMBS YOUR A BISCUIT AND YOU WALK!"