“I was Crunk once, but that was before i started writing plays and became a pussy”
“GET CRUNKED! GET CRUNKED! CRUNK CRUNK CRUNK!”
“You heard the captian, why aren't you getting CRUNKED?”
“In Soviet Russia, crunk gets YOU!”
“Pull the lever, Crunk!”
Crunk is both the most powerful empire in the world and a highly enlightened way of life. This article will explain both.
History of Crunk
The sovereign nation of Crunk began in 1336 A.D. with the birth of the Holy Crunk Twins, Ying and Yang. While their names have been disputed over the millenia since Crunk's founding, they are generally referred to by either Ying or Yang or their title. Born in primordial Atlanta to some ho, they quickly became famous drug-runners. At their 30th birthday, they had amassed enough wealth to buy the city of Atlanta, which they did. They then declared Atlanta its own sovereign nation, and renamed it the Crunk Empire. They then began exterminating all the whiteys on the streets (there weren't that many to begin with) with the help of the Crunk Imperial Guard, whose trademark dreadlocks combined with the deadly efficiency of their AK-47's soon became an image of fear in the few remaining whitey enclaves deep in the heart of the Crunk Empire. Despite having a 500% crime rate, the Crunk Empire flourished, gradually expanding over hundreds of years to cover the entire Dirty South, with outposts in Cali Dro.
While the Crunk Empire was busy expanding its powerful influence and embarking on genocidal campaigns against those goddamn muddafukkin pussyassnigga indians populating the rest of North America, the rest of the world had survived the Crusades, the Norman Invasion, Cthulhu, the Nazis, and the Holy Roman Empire. Through the centuries it took for all this history to happen, Ying and Yang had not died, and remained the Sovereign Rulers of the Crunk Empire, eternally attended by their Imperial Guard. Being about 500 years old, however, the Twins delegated most of their responsibilities to their homie Pitbull, a Cuban immigrant to the Crunk Empire.
It was about 1700 when Christopher 'Timmy' Columbus embarked on the journey to the New World, thinking he could reach India by going the long way around. Ha! Pussyassnigga! He landed on what he thought was India, but was surprised by the native Crunkers who ambushed him, killing him by shoving a nightstick through his forehead and poppin' a cap in his ass for good measure. After the Crunkers dragged his corpse to the nearest brewery, they had the crunk idea to make an alcoholic beverage out of Christopher 'Timmy' Columbus's blood. Thus was born the first version of crunk juice.
Crunk juice is the official beverage of the Crunk Empire. Composed of whitey blood, alcohol, beer, and alcohol, it is a rare non-Crunker who is able to drink more than a thimblefull of crunk juice without suffering instant death. It is its rare ingredient, whitey blood, which has led to the Crunk Empire being the leading importer of whiteys today. When you drink crunk juice, you are immediately intoxicated. Crunk juice is flammable enough to be used as rocket fuel, and it is crunk juice which powered the famous rocket, Crunk I which led to the population of the moon by Crunkers.
In 1998, the Twins officially handed control of the Crunk Empire over to King Lil Jon IV, who has led the Crunk Empire to victory once and for all against them pussyassnigga Germans in World War III.
Captain Crunk is the national symbol of the Crunk Empire. The first comic book produced completely by Crunkers, Captian Crunk was born in the slums of Crunkville. His name was Crunk Cornwallis and he showed his extreme Crunkness by winning a Crunk contest at the age of 3. From that day on he was the most Crunked person in Crunksville. Doctors have done a Body Crunk Idex (BCI) on Captain Crunk and his BCI is 114% Crunk. The normal Black person's BCI is 30% Crunk and a white person's is 0.07% Crunk. Captain Crunk travels the world in his Crunkmoblie spreading Crunk and herpes where ever he goes.
Crunk as a Way of Life
The Crunk religion was first invented by Yang in 1337 and is now the official religion of the Crunk Empire. Similar to Confucianism, Crunk is more of a way of life than a religion, but is classified in with the other 'Official' religions, such as Pastafarianism, Scientology, and Cthulhu. To quote Yang 'Follow these policies...and you will be crunk.' These policies, the central tenets of Crunk, are five in number and are listed below.
- STOP STEALIN' BIKES NIGGA!
- DON'T LET DEM WHITEYS TELL YOU WHAT YO GONE DO!
- YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA LET ME SEE YOU NOT BEIN' CRUNK NIGGA!
- TREAT ALL NIGGAS AS YOURSELF AND POP A CAP IN THEY ASS!
- DON'T DO ANYTHING ME OR MY BROTHER WOULDN'T DO!
It is these simple commandments which have lead to Crunk being such a successful religion, especially in Africa.
What is Crunk
- Crunk is a shortened version of "crazy drunk" used by Crunkers.
- Crunk is a way of describing something/someone as cool.
- Crunk is making a mixed drink with the main mixer as codeine cough syrup. (WRONG NIGGA, THAT'S PURPLE DRANK, AND GOES WITH CHOPPED AND SCREWED. YOU'Z A FUKKIN RETARD.)
- Crunk is eating the outside of a coconut.
- Crunk is a gangster with grillz made of barbed wire.
- Crunk is the guy whos gold teeth are rusting, and gold doesn't rust!
- Crunk is jacking off with your best friends moms panties!!!
- Crunk is picking your teeth with a used syringe.
- Crunk is taking you welfare check and putting 22's on a teal 88 dodge shadow.
- Crunk is that guy who watches you eat chicken and asks you if you will finish the bones
- Crunk is eating cigarette butts
- Crunk is running naked through a playground of toddlers
- Crunk is being black and being from Atlanta. No exceptions.
- Crunk is doing the Chicken Dance at job interviews.
- Crunk is Judge Judy.
What is not Crunk
- Iced Tea
- Gummy Bears
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America - Autofellatio - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Communist - Hook - Irrelevant - Jack Harkness - Janeway - Kaptainskye - Kirk - Knuckles - Marvel - Morgan - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Planet - Raccoon - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Video