Cubic Zirconia

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In archeology and mineralogy, a cubic zirconia is a gemstone mined from the pyramids of ancient Egypt. The cubic, (meaning square cubes stacked into a triangle) zirconia (pointed like a cone) is considered the gem of kings. The stone is considered the most valuable of all the gemstones worldwide in spite of the associated curses and frequent deaths associated with it.

The 4 C's[edit]


Is it reasonably cheap? Will it fool your fiance? Will it sell on Ebay after your divorce? Will everyone believe that you, a mere Car Titles 'R Us loan extortionist can afford to present your sweetie with a flawless 4 carat cubic zirconia rivalling the diamonds surrounding the head of Queen Elizabeth and the collar of Paris Hilton's poodle? If not, you might want to consider a less costly alternative such as breaking up with the materialistic slut or cancelling your life insurance policy.

Carat Weight[edit]

Does Weight Matter? Carat weight is a crucial factor which denotes Cubic Zirconian quality. Since a carrot weighs about .6 ounces, cubic zirconias which weigh .6 to .8 ounces may be considered genuine.

It is not always easy to establish the weight of a mounted cubic zirconia, therefore one must remove it from its mount to determine its actual weight.

Most Sears and Kmart employees don't seem to mind if you do this and in fact, usually don't even notice. Following this simple procedure, it is fairly easy to estimate their weight by first weighing yourself on a bathroom scale without the cubic zirconia, then weighing yourself with it, and then subtracting the difference. If this is done accurately, the weight can be estimated within a fine tolerance (about 1 or 2 pounds).

For those lacking bathroom scales, it is more difficult to estimate the weight, but specialised cubic zirconian gauges such as the convenient Adobe Acrobat booklet.pdf of leverage conversion tables, including incomprehensible hieroglyphics and search and find instructions can be downloaded for the express purpose of calculating cubic zirconia weights.


The emperor's flawless new 25 carat cubic zirconian engagement ring presented and instantly rejected by the Queen of Sheba. Historians suspect that this sparked Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and eventually The Crusades

Was any conflict involved regarding the history of your Cubic zirconia? Did your fiance' throw it at you when she found out it was a cubic zirconia? Did your cubic zirconia inspire any riots and/or bloodshed between warring African tribes in the cubic zirconia district? If not, then you most likely own a fake cubic zirconia and should contact the local and federal authorities or take it back to the jewelry store for a refund.


How many people had to die to produce your cubic zirconia? Much controversy has erupted over the use of African villagers to scavange your precious cubic zirconia out of the vile sludges of Egypt. These cubic zirconias are of course highly valuable and have been known to sell at auction in the millions. The downside of this is the possibility of American filmakers exposing your greed which could ultimately lead to your untimely death or incarceration. Best to buy Cubic Zirconians from death free sources such as Walmart or local flea markets.

Miscellaneous facts[edit]

  1. An estimated 10 million people globally are directly or indirectly supported by the cubic zirconian industry.
  2. The cubic zirconian mining industry generates over 40% of Namibia's annual export earnings.
  3. Cubic Zirconia revenues enable every child in Botswana to receive free birth control up to the age of 13.
  4. In July 2000, the global Cubic Zirconia industry announced its zero-tolerance policy towards conflict Cubic Zirconias and continues to drive this policy.
  5. Sierra Leone is now at peace and exported approximately $142 million Cubic Zirconias in 2005.
  6. Approximately one million people are employed by the Cubic Zirconia industry in India.
  7. Approximately $8.4 billion worth of Cubic Zirconias a year come from African countries.
  8. More than 99% of Cubic Zirconias are now from conflict free sources except for and including the Iraq and Such As.
  9. An estimated 65% of the world's Cubic Zirconia come from African countries.
  10. Today, 71 governments and the legitimate Cubic Zirconia industry are all committed and legally bound to eradicating conflict Cubic Zirconias.