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“Batteries aren't necessary”

~ Tamia on cucumbers
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Cucumber.
A cucumber in its natural habitat.

A cucumber is a small green animal that lives in people's bodies.

Origins of "Cucumber"[edit]

The word cucumber comes from the dutch word 'Komkommer'. The Dutch female word for a cucumber is 'komkommerin', which means come-on-in. so whenever you see a Dutch lady with a cucumber, it means that you will be welcome in her neighborhood. But if any Dutch lady you see is not holding a cucumber then it is best to stay at a safe distance.


Cucumbers can be found in the center of the Earth, because they are very dry and thick, Napoleon discovered the first cucumber. It was red-skinned and looked like a human, and he called cucumbers Indians. Later there were more discoveries: Hitler found one in his boot, and he currently has a cooked cucumber in a place where it would not easily be found. Most "Women" have one in their "Other Butthole."

An albino cucumber eating Hershey's Kisses.

Cucumbers are found any where it is warm not just in the center of the earth


What do you mean 'How?'

How to Grow a Cucumber:

  1. Organize a big, big party, with lots of beer, (like more than 10.000 bottles)
  2. Let everyone who drinks his beer put the empty bottle on the ground next to each other.
  3. Now you only have to play the waiting game!

This guy does very well.


Cows actually invented the famous cucumber; for them it was a revolution in cowation history. The cucumber was found by a tiny purple cow, who climbed into a tree and after he looked around a bit, he saw spirals everywhere! He then went crazy and screamed CUCUMBER!!!


Not many people know this, but secretly, everyone worships the almighty cuCUMber. Yes, even the christians, buddhists, you know it, they worship cuCUMbers. Every afternoon, they gather around the sacred table called a 'counter' and take out the sacred device called a 'knife'. To show appreciation to the almighty cuCUMber god, they take one of his greatest creations, a cucumber (a smaller, edible version of himself) and slice the cucumber into thin slices. Then they consume this gift to show appreciation for all the almighty cuCUMber's creations, especially his cucumbers..

Other Uses[edit]

Our sources tell us that cucumbers are also thought to be occasionally used in rare instances of female masturbation. We have, however, yet to confirm this statement. The cucumber is an oft-seen symbol on signs for British pubs, such as the famous Beaver & Cucumber inn, once frequented by Winston Churchill and Samuel Pepys, among others.


Zucchinis and cucumbers engaging in full on, bloody, armed combat. What a terrible waste.


~ Oscar Wilde on Zucchinis

Aesthetically, cucumbers are almost identical to zucchinis. Having said this, they are a sworn enemy of cucumbers and have been a harrowing burden to the cucumber society and way of life since the beginning of time. They would steal valuable heirlooms from the cucumber royals, rape the cucumber children, sell cocaine on the streets of the cucumber cities and commit many other terrible deeds. Eventually the cucumbers reached breaking point and declared war on the zucchinis. It all ended in tears. Hundreds of billions of innocent human civilians were killed in the crossfire of the war, so they called for a ceasefire. Relationships have been sour ever since the war, but cucumbers and zucchinis have lived in peace ever since.


A cucumber is also a lesbians best friend beside the other bitch sucking her. The sexcumber can be opened up to become a portable dick. The sexcumber then becomes a cum-ber.

A cu-cummer. How sexy it is?

See Also[edit]

External links[edit]