Cure Autism Now

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search


Cure Autism Now is a cult formed in 1995 by Satan, former Alabama Governor George Wallace, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Fred Phelps, Marilyn Manson, Lizzy Borton and Barney the Dinosaur Hitler. The main purpose for Cure Autism Now is to revive Nazi Socialism in the United States and Canada. The KKK Bastards are strong supporters of Cure Autism Now. Recently, the FBI did a crackdown at CAN Headquarters in downtown Hell, arresting about five CAN cultists, none of which were in a position of Power. Their official anthem is "Angel of Death" by Slayer.


Most of the members are complete bastards, including Nazis (Neo-Nazis too), prejudicial bastards, Satanists, members of the Westboro Baptist Church, and fans of the movie 'Hellboy'. Common member customs are watching poopy porn and spending time at shooting ranges to prepare for the upcoming holocaust where all Autistics will be tagged by this evil organization for death. Members also watch the Saw trilogy to learn execution techniques.

Positions of Power[edit]

President/Founder: Satan

Vice President: Adolf Hitler

Secretary: Lizzy Borton

Head Intern: George Wallace

Military General: Osama Bin Laden

Lab Chemist: Saddam Hussein

Lab Professor: Barney the Dinosaur Hitler

Munition Shopkeeper: Marilyn Manson

Extremist Preacher: Fred Phelps

Physician: Dr. Kevorkian


There were major complaints in 2000 about a rash of spam sent to the E-Mail Adresses of people who donated to Cure Autism Now. Most of the spam messages had a virus that instantly destroyed the computer's memory, ultimately rendering the computers useless. Some Guy from Wisconsin sued Cure Autism Now for $3,000,000. That guy won the case and the court ultimately shut down Cure Autism Now's web service for half a year as a punishment. It turns out that Barney the Dinosaur Hitler inserted an assortment of fatal viruses as a prank.

After hearing of their intent to kill Autistics, Optimus Prime decided to run an investigation along with fellow volunteer federal detectives May and Digimon. May went undercover as someone that wanted to join the Munitions Department. After May discovered what the hell was going on, she gave Optimus the signal and as a result, 15 wannabe members were arrested as well as George Wallace, who was released on $17 Million bail by Lizzy Borton. After hearing of the unspeakable incidents that took place, the US Government passed the CAN act, which states that if any citizen of the United States were caught trying to abduct or kill an Autistic child, whether the attempt was successful or not, will be promptly arrested and prosecuted to the fullest potential of the law. However, this law was overturned in August 2003, just one week before the untimely death of an Autistic Wisconsin boy at the hands of his church Minister.

Recently, Cure Autism Now has been held responsible for the biggest rash of child deaths since the holocaust. Many people have witnessed the brute, gruesome killings that take place at CAN's headquarters. CAN faces a tidle wave of lawsuits in the near future.

On July 17, 2007, a rash of kidnapped Autistic individuals ocurred in the state of Florida. This strange occurance was later traced back to a Cure Autism Now hub in Venice. This led to some 23 arrests in Venice and Sarasota, including the infamous Ivan the Impailer.

Police found evidence of a drug mill being run at CAN headquarters by various drugees on September 4, 2007. After further investigation, It was discovered Autistic test subjects were given drugs to screw 'em up while torturous things were done to them. Drug-fueled fights were common entertainment around CAN Headquarters. First, the fighters are given a power stimulant drug concoction or a drug cocktail that fuels aggression. Next, the fighters get into a pool, a sandbox, or whatever and start fighting each other, usually to the point of intermediate (not minor yet non-life-threatening) injury. There has only been one incident of combatant death in a fight. With how many catfights go on, it's a wonder how there's only been one combatant death. However, despite there only being one combatant death, there have been many deaths of bookies that have put money down on fights.