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“The deeeeeeer 24! Runs todaaaaaay! Look the deeeeeeeeer 24! Runs todaaaaaay!”
“This a best city in the world!”
Its population is estimated in some 1.5 million people (with around a million assholes and half a million losers), but Curitibanos like to brag about the city having more than 3 million inhabitants, so other Brazilians will stop bugging them about living in a village instead of a real city.
The city is located on the freezing part of the Brazilian Island, and as popular saying goes "Se o Brazil fosse um homem, Curitiba seria o cu" - literally meaning "If Brazil was a man, then Curitiba would be its asshole", illustrating how cherished curitibanos are by other brazilians.
Actually, curitibanos, honoring their warm hospitality fame, don't usually relate to people from other cities and completely ignore people from the countryside - that is, except those who are famous, have loads of money or speak english. There are only 5 species of curitibanos:
- those who like to pretend they are from São Paulo - these usually dress in fake armani suits and carry more high tech items than Robocop;
- those who like to pretend they are from Rio de Janeiro, who are even bigger losers than people from Rio itself, since there's nothing dumber than imitating those scumbags (but they think they're cool) - they usually hate (and are hated by) people who belong into type #1;
- those who like to pretend they are foreign and (try to) speak only english (spanish is a losers' language and far too tacky to be considered decent) or the new trendy ones - italian and french, but neither is spoken correctly;
- those who like to pretend they have money when they don't (vast majority of the population, about 95% - exact numbers impossible to count) - this can be divided between males (useless metrosexuals who like to drive "dangerously" at 40km/hour in a 50HP plastified car) and females (slutty skanks whose single purpose in life is to find a dumb rich loser to pay their bills - preferably foreigners - and since they don't have any brains, they are properly trained to do so by their mommies from tender age);
- other losers and dumb/narrow-minded/brainless people in general (the other 4 categories almost always apply to this one too).
But it is very unfair to think of Curitiba as a shithole - every single curitibano knows that Curitiba is the most beautiful city in the whole wide world and the best place to live too (people who try to prove you wrong is undoubtedly a liar/carioca/mentally retarded). Seriously! The UN said so! Only problem is no one remembers when it was said or who said it... (Note: the rumours of bribery at the UN for making this statement are unfounded, since no one in Curitiba was proved to have enough money for that until this date). And I'm a american MC Donald's (shiter)eater.
Many of Curitiba's historical documents were lost in the first of the Tube Station Wars. But that's not a problem, since nothing really important happened to the village in 2000 years, until a gay mayor (rumoured to be married to a lesbian woman) and his jewish partner started redecorating the village with flowers, fountains, angels, statues and all type of gay-orientated merchandise. He even asked Cher, Elton John, George Michael, N'Sync, brazilian homo-superstar Clodovil and even Michael Jackson for suggestions, which explains the excess of naked baby angels peeing what's said to be water in every corner of the village.
Curitiba, being a village in a polar country, has excellent weather conditions, with regular droughts and freezing temperatures all year round. But that doesn't keep the type 4 female population from having fashion sense: one can always see them wearing tops and mini-porn-skirts the minute after rain or below 0° temperatures are announced, specially at night.
The major export product from Curitiba are postcards with the pictures of the village's gay decorations (but no one ever knows from which place they really are). Major imports are blond hair dye, fake cheap perfume from Paraguay, assholes and robbers from Rio and stressed people and "manos" from São Paulo and fake Louis Vuitton handbags.
Statistics and Facts
- 13 out of 20 single males in Champagnat are inclined to seclusion and resort to obsessive text messaging of their friends on their cell phones to make plans, but never actually follow through. The remaining 7 males spend 90% of their time on singles chat lines, with the remaining 10% meeting fat chicks who sounded hot.
- Barigüi Park's Lake has the cleanest water on earth. In fact it is so clean that when you consume the water it cleans everything from your body except your inner beauty, which explains why so many residents of the Champagnat, are painfully disfigured. The effects wear off after time, but people are generally left with traces of "ugly" and are forced to have cosmetic surgery, or move to Floripa.
- The average house in Curitiba is priced at 847 gazillion dollars. This slightly high market has forced a small number of middle class families into more affordable housing in the Cardboard Box District. The average price for a 2 room, double corrugated home here is a reasonable 564 gazillion dollars. New developments in the Cardboard Box District are now offering starter homes with pre-installed urination corner and bonus "microwave box" for additional storage, or use as a guest room. Deals can also be had by COHAB investors, who are one step behind those in "the District".
- Curitiba is renowned for being railed on by the rest of Brazil for its massive immigrant population does not quit voting for Gays.
- Curitiba is renowned for being the only city in the entire world that everyone who doesn't live there hates.
- Curitiba is renowned for being the only city in the entire world/universe that had a tendered - but corrupted - bid for paper clips, valued at approximately R$3.99, secretly re-opened to escalate the actual cost to a trough-worthy R$470 million.
- Rumour has it that the next mayor will be Curitiba's exclusive superhero, Oilman, who will be elected by great majority of votes. His campaign's motto is: "With enough lubrication everything's much easier!"