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Cwmbrân was a new town, conceived by the New Towns Act of 1946 in order to house unwanted vermin overspill from Newport, Cardiff and Bristol, a plan which intended to plug areas of void and anti-matter with matter, although time has taught us that Cwmbran doesn't matter at all. Literally translated its name means 'The valley of the pikey crow' and it is twinned with the German town of Bruschal.

Cwmbrânistanis, as the town's population are called, were sucked into the void that once cut Gwent in two in the same way that a vacuum cleaner sucks, and the process is still evident in the accent, just as white noise is still visible on television screens (particularly between 9:00am and 5.00 pm). Some would argue that Cwmbrân still sucks pikey ass.

The landscape is varied and Cwmbrân offers views of both rubber factories and chemical factories which Cwmbrânistanis see as being the norm. This is due to their inability to escape the town to see other towns, mainly because of the one-way system.

The Cwmbran Police enforce the cunts to drink in hiding spots surrounding Pontnewydd, Northville and the Shopping Centre. If they fail they will be tortured using the Cwmbrân tribal punishment of throwing pointy paper planes at their faces for 24 hours.

Cwmbrân - it's a bit shit.


  • Population: 60,000
  • Habitat: semi-detatched smoke-damaged houses in the shade of chimneys and hoppers.
  • Diet: McDonalds, Pot Noodle and Lager.
  • Appearance: some chavs, some footy hooligans, some gay, some asda workers, some gurkas
  • Aspirations: to be lower middle-class.
  • Musical taste: Dubstep and good old Valley tunes.

Cwmbrânistanis Artwork[edit]

Cwmbrânistanis are a art loving culture and examples of fine art can be seen throughout the town, if your in Cwmbrân why dont you visit Fairwater Underpass where exhibits such as "If you want fun time phone....." or "Debbie loves Dai TLFE" or alternatively visit some of the more upmarket areas such as Southville or Northville (AKA TrollyVille North & South) and see the mural daubings on fences such as "leave my wife alone".

The typical form of art observed is that of the "pavement pizza" the legendary artist "Wanksy" is rumoured to have visited Cwmbrân on many occasions to display his work.

A "Wanksy" displaying his artwork on his neighbours doorstep. Observe the brightness and taupidity of colours and the artits audacity to confuse the spherical form with the randomness of oversplash.


The town centre is reknowned as being the worst in Europe. Depressed people come here to wallow in their ailment and buy a cup of tea from one of the many tramp cafés. There is a good crematorium next to McDonalds and the pub opposite does a very good charcoal grill, but supply is not consistent - they tend to have more in the winter months.


The shopping centre is the coldest place on Earth, and is reflected in the dead expressions of the people who roam around it, in a never-ending circuit, eating sausage rolls and Big Macs.


Located in southern Cocker Avenue, There is a Mushroom shaped tree that greets all travelers with delight and amazement.

The mushroom tree is legendary, admired for years by the folk of Cwmbran and all who see it, It has acheived landmark status.

Aswell as this, you have FOSTERS, the under-age alcohol shop on Richmond Road in Pontnewydd. There are loads others aswell but I cant be fucked to type them down coz I cant spell much.

Behold, The Eighth Wonder of The Pikey World.


  • Cwmbran has the most amount of roundabouts per ca-pita of inhabitants than any where else in the world
  • Cwmbran once had a nightclub called "The Pleasure Dome" named after the Madmax film "Beyond the Thunderdome.
  • Cross breeding with Newportonians is strictly prohibited by torture of Russian Roulette
  • Wagon Wheels are made in Burtons by little orange people know as Gurka-Turkas (people from Oakfield). Years of inbreeding and fake tan have resulted in there appearance.


See also[edit]

cwmbran town is the place to be weed speed and little e's cider gliders, midnight riders kids on the street with fags no lighters its now the trend to start having babies, suprised those fuckers aint got rabies everyones known for their std's, you'll be suprised to find someone without a disease

f-unit boys are the ones to watch they fight in pairs and aim for your crotch meow mewo is now there saying, mess with them you'll end up paying LOL only joking we are fannies united !!!!!!!