Cyborg Jesus

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“Resistance is futile: I will assimilate you Sunday morning!!!

What Micheal Moore would look like if Captain Planet and Jesus both supervised his diet, then beat the living shit out of him.

Jesus H. Christ was born in the year 0, which does exist despite the liberal media's claims to the contrary. He was executed by the Roman governor Biggus Dickus in the year 33, for making a deal with Wal Mart involving Waluigi. This deal, known as the "Shagohad Act" resulted in unrest.

Jesus' corpse was recovered by the scientist God, who saw massive potential in him. Thus spoke the Lord God, "Jesus H. Christ, messiah. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first cyborg savior. Jesus H. Christ will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster."

He refit Jesus' body with the latest cyborg technology at a cost of six million shekels. After three days, Jesus rose again as the powerful Cyborg Jesus, aka the Six-Million Shekel Savior. This nickname led to many crack addicts seeing incredible marketability in him. His biggest hit was on his thirty-ninth toke, Guess Who's Back, on yo mommas ass?, called Oops; I Sacrificed Myself For a Beer And a Blowjob Again!

Weapons: Cyborg Jesus was equipped with a large arsenal of weaponry, some from the future, and others from fictional movies. His favorite and most notable weapon was the Gamma ray emitter Type A v.2. With this weapon, Cyborg Jesus had the ability to create a singularity or what we commonly know as a "black hole" inside his enemies. The singularity more often then not was located in the left testicle of men.

Cyborg Jesus's first act was to overthrow the Roman Empire. After this, he began a long life of fighting whatever pissed him off. Also, if you pay him enough, he'll do what you want in an ally. Cyborg Jesus is not related to Jesus (or Dark Jesus) in any way, shape, or form. Any similarites to anyone living, dead or resurrected is purely coincidental.

"I'll be back!" said he. And he did. Within three days, he was back to kick some ARSE!!!

Cyborg Jesus is also a follower of Dog The Bounty Hunter, committed to taking over the world to stop Metallica from hittin the ice pipes, BRA'!!. Cyborg Jesus's archnemesis is of course, the poorly selling Saint Anger. In the year of 2003 Cyborg Jesus and Saint Anger had a violent clash which left scores of Metallica fans denying that Metallica still sucks and indeed always has. The battle between the two titans continues today but has receded into legend because everyone has forgotten about Saint Anger because it's a fucking shitty album anyways. His brother is Cupid. Cyborg Jesus once lured David Hasselhoff into a prison cell made entirely out of sofa cushions, where he stole the actor's upper intestines and sold them to Venezuelan nationals for 30 pieces of silver.

He also once jacked off in a box of kittens, and punched a baby in anger. In His almighty defense, the baby was all up in his grill telling him he was like school in summertime?!?


Cyborg Jesus once challenged Kimbo Slice to an ultimate battle royale, which resulted in the The Great Irish Potato Famine. During this fight, Cyborg Jesus learned that he had the ability to eye beams, and that he could eat french fries faster than a 2-ton elephant on steroids. This came in handy during a laser beam french fry eating contest, in which he finished 1st place out of a whopping 1 person. The contest was made and judged by Cyborg Jesus.


"Don't be hatin, you biblical motherfrakas."

Cyborg Jesus also enjoys playing Dungeons and Dragons. This came about when Cyborg Jesus was saving the soul of Bill Gates, who introduced Him to the Dungeon Master so that Cyborg Jesus could lead His life in His mom's basement eating nothing but onion rings and drinking 7-up.

See Also[edit]