Dafydd Bond Films

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  • Dafydd Bond here to save Wales
  • The names Bond, Dafydd Bond
Writer Mr. Bean
Producer Jesus Christ
Director Roy Chubby Brown
Runtime 180 Minutes (3 films)
Language English, Welsh
Distributed by (Goldenpussy & Moonraper) Shite Productions
(Dr. No Don't Touch Me There & License To Say Never) Tits And Ass Productions
Released Goldenpussy - 1975
Moonraper - 1995
Dr No. Don't Touch Me There - 2008
Licence to Say Never

The Dafydd Bond films are a very successful series of films based on a Welsh Spy (no imitations whatsoever) and include the characters of Mmmmmm...., Miss Moneyfanny and Snooker Q.

Film Title Year of Release Budget Box Office Profit Short Summary
Dr. No Don’t Touch Me There 1962 £1.50 Millions Bond is captured by Dr. No who wants to rape Bond but when he finds out Bond has no balls (literally) he let's him go but he doesn't get away scot free he has his penis chopped off by the doctor.
She Thrush With Love 1963 £2.00 £18,000,000 Unknown.
Coldfinger 1964 £10.98 £125,000,000 Unknown.
Swollen Balls 1965 £126 £198,000,000 Dafydd is kicked in the balls while the villain tries to make his escape.
You Only Get Laid Twice 1967 £1300 £20,000,000 Unknown.
On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix 1969 £4000 £61,000,000 MI6 discover that there is a plot to kidnap the queen so Dafydd is spent to protect her, only to discover he may have met his true love...
Dafydd In The Heather 1971 £18,000 £16,000,000 Dafydd makes out with a woman named Heather, which gives his arch enemy free reign to take over Las Vegas and launche a diamond encrusted satellite.
Lick And Let Her Cry 1973 £25,000 £125,000,000 Unknown.
The Man With The Golden Thunderballs 1974 £126,000 £15,000,000 A secret organisation steals a suicide bombers rucksack which they will detonate in a major city across the world unless the wealthiest man in the world hands over his golden balls...Dafydd is assigned to the case!
The Spy Who Got Anally Raped By Ernest Jawdick Blowjob 1977 £150,000 £126,000,000 All that is known of this movie is that Ernest Jawdick Blowjob will appear and that Dafydd will end up losing his nose, rectum, and face.
Moonraper 1979 £226,000 £19,000,001 Bond has to stop another evil man from trying to fulfill his lifelong dream of raping the Moon while trying to pay off his student loan he succeeds in stopping him but because of a knife blow to the genitalia he has to have his second bollock removed
For Your Thighs Only 1981 £145,000 £129,000,000 Dafydd has to protect a woman’s legs from an international criminal organisation.
Hairypussy 1983 £130,000 £145,000,000 Dafydd gets more than he bargained for when he goes undercover to protect a woman from a smuggling racket.
A Few On The Pill 1985 £1,000,000 £130,000,000 Dafydd discovers plans to detonate a bomb in vicinity of a contraception-making factory which will leave all his lovers with no contraceptive pills. Can Dafydd save the day?
The Live Rapelights 1987 £26,000 £34,000,000 Unknown.
License To Say Never 1989 £88,000 £165,000,000 Bond is about to get promoted to getting a license to say never to Mmmmm..... whenever he wants but is called on an emergency mission to stop an evil man trying to infiltrate MI-20 headquarters, he succeeds but has a bazooka bomb fired at his left arse cheek by one of his henchmen and his arse cheek has to be removed
Goldenpussy 1995 £126,000 £15,000,000 Bond must stop an evil man who is trying to take over the world. The man has a goldenpussy which he likes to stroke quite often. Bond succeeds but has to have a bollock removed because of a dodgy laser experiment.
Tracy Never Cries 1997 £500,000 £786,000,000 Unknown.
The Womb Is Not Enough 1999 £226,000 £19,000,001 Unknown.
Die Another Gay 2002 £999,000,000 £10.95 Bond travels to the 60's where Winston Church-Hitler (The spawn of Winston and Adolf) makes all the women have moustaches and grow arm pit hair!, So that in his words the world would have a better future.
Cassie’s Boil 2006 123,000,000 £180,000,000 While working undercover at a Las Vagas Casino to stop terrorists using their winnings to bankroll attacks, Dafydd gets laid with a waitress who it turns out is suffering from Genital Boils.
Quantum Of Orifice 2008 £36,000,000 £98.50 Dafydd spend the entire film trying to track down the mysterious organisation Quantum who raped and murdered his wife and violated one of his personal orifices.

As you can see Bond hasn't aged that much since since the 20 year pause between Goldenpussy and Moonraper
Dr. No as he cuts of Dafydd's penis
Leaked image showing Mrs Moneyfanny teasing Bond about his penis amputation

Below is the cast member listing of the respectable films.[edit]

Primary Cast & Box Office Receipts[edit]

The cast for License was revealed on the 6th January 2009.

Golden Moonraper Dr. No Licence
Dafydd Bond
Huw Ceredig
Judi Dench
Miss Moneyfanny
Billie Piper
Snooker Q
Robert De Niro
Mr. Jones
(The Evil Man)

Alan Carr
Mr. Llewelyn
(The Moonraper)

Graham Norton
Dr. No (The gay evil one)
Kenneth Williams
Dr. No Jr.
(The gay evil son)

Tom Cruise
Dafydd Bond's Wife
Ruth Madoc
Pamela Anderson X
Heather Mills McCuntney X
Budget £26,000 £16,000 £6,000 £600
Welsh B.O. £200,000 £220,000 £1,604,947 £4,647,321
UK B.O. £175,000 £200,000 £1,580,999 £2,649,358
American B.O. £299.99 £An Insult £684,586 £287.34

Secondary Cast[edit]



Dr. No Don't Touch Me There[edit]

License To Say Never[edit]

The cast for this film was revealed on the 6th January 2009:

Critical Reception[edit]

These are the accolades received for each film:


  • “What a pile of steaming horse shit. Iv'e seen better f*cking acting from a retarded Tom Cruise!”

    ~ Roger Ebert on Goldenpussy
  • “Not enough sex scenes for my liking!”

    ~ Mary Whitehouse on Goldenpussy


  • “What the f*ck!! a sequel!”

    ~ Roger Ebert on Moonraper
  • “I got a bit aroused but I'm still not satisfied, the rape scenes were brilliant!”

    ~ Mary Whitehouse on Moonraper

Dr. No Don't Touch Me There[edit]

  • “*NO ACTIONS* Roger has a Heart Attack”

    ~ Roger Ebert on Dr No. Don't Touch Me There
  • “Very sexy film Huw Ceredig's Welsh accent just gives me the horn every time I watch it!”

    ~ Mary Whitehouse on Dr No. Don't Touch Me There

License To Say Never[edit]

  • “*NO VOICES* Shhh can you hear the wood on his coffin being shook”

    ~ Roger Ebert on Hearing License To Say Never Was Going To Be Made
  • “I'm in it YES! now I've got something to watch with my pussy we'll enjoy it!”

    ~ Mary Whitehouse on Hearing License To Say Never Was Going To Be Made
  • “I think it will be a vewy good movie I weckon that the casting of Mawy Whitehouse was a weally good choice”

    ~ Jonathan Woss on Hearing License To Say Never Was Going To Be Made

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Dafydd Bond Films is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.