Dagonius the Amazing Techno-Fag
So you want to hear a tale of treachery, deceit, and good guy vs. bad guy? Well you probably picked the wrong story but oh well, you are already reading it, so you should finish. I give you my word it will not be a waste or your time... ish.
Once Upon a time, in a land far away, there lived the evil entity: Dagonius the Techno-Fag. Dagonius hailed from the village of Guerns, where he was not very well known. Well, to be correct he was well known... for being picked last in athletic events, having very large glasses, and all the other good things that come with the inheritance of nerddom. Unlike other nerds, Dagonius was very gifted in the area of computer fagging. This talent earned him the nickname "Dagonius the Amazing Techno-Fag." (This name actually became his real name, but he never liked it too well, so I can not call it anything but a nickname for fear of his Techno-Fagging.) Dagonius was so skilled with his Techno-Fagging that he drew other men to him for Fag-training. These men were as follows:
- Achoo the Foreigner: A brutish fellow who was never seen unless he was eating something,
- Lotion the Almost Frightening: he was never seen outdoors and so his skin had become translucent, but do not let his name fool you. He was once my close friend, and he was so terrifying that he almost scared me one time, but that is a tale for another day and age when someone makes a device that actually makes pigs fly.
- A Man-Beast: known only as THE LAMINATOR. Not much is known about THE LAMINATOR. He was said to be Dagonius's best student, but his talent was never revealed.
Well you are probably wondering what becomes of our heroes? Well that is your first mistake; these chumps are actually the villains. But I'll finish telling you about them anyway. They formed the Super Nerds Society, or SNS for short. So you want good guys do ya? It just so happens that our hero is the coolest guy to ever walk the face of any village within the proximity of walking distance to the village of Guerns. This man is none other than the famed and handsome Sir Butteredbread. Sir Butteredbread was of huge stature. Standing nearly eight feet tall, he was loved and adored by all things great and small (ha, that rhymes). He was a famed paladin of old, who never drank ale or ate any mold (he he, so does that one).
His company consisted of many brave men but none of such stature as his:
- Dijon the Mustardman: A very ugly man with a huge handlebar moustache,
- Philo the Mighty: whose mightY muscles were surpassed only by his skill with his huge club,
and *Borlock the Viking: King of the Waterways.
The newest addition to Sir Butteredbread's regiment IS Kaliadreil, a young dame who had proved her worth with a crossbow. Sir Butteredbread sensed some aura of oddness about the young one, but he said nothing of it yet. (There were also many other men who can not be named due to time constraints and copyrights... don't ask.
It just so happens that one day when Sir Butteredbread and his group of followers were passing through the once lovely village of Guerns, itappeared to be menaced by some evil force. Sir Butteredbread decided to speak to one of the locals about the predicament. He found a young boy who told the tale of Dagonius the Amazing Techno-Fag and the SNS. The townsfolk pleaded for the help of Sir Butteredbread and the Parkay Brigade. The Brigade followed an old path and gazed upon the wondrous fortress of Motherboard. It was the largest structure ever made by man or beast. Dagonius knew of the coming of our heroes so he used he Techno-Fag powers to create a giant FIREWALL to separate the good guys. It worked. Sir Butteredbread, Dijon the Mustardman, Philo the Mighty, Borlock the Viking, and Kaliadriel were all separated. Except that oddly Kaliadreil and Sir Butteredbread were forced to embark together on their path. Not far into their venture Kaliadreil attempted to shoot our famed hero and he proceeded to slay her with extreme prejudice. "I always knew there was something wrong with that one. She wasn't right in the head." He bellowed as she lay decapitated before him. Isn't funny how things work themselves out like that? We have four heroes and four villains. I bet even a two year old crack baby could guess what is going to happen now.
The first duel was between Borlock the Viking and Lotion the Almost-Frightening. Borlock found himself in a dark room where the only sounds that could be heard were his own breathing and someone scoffing "NA HA!" Suddenly, before him appeared the visage of 5 pasty white men, the spitting images of Lotion! "Which one is the real me?" he jestered, hopping around like a retard. "This program has never been cracked. "NA HA!" Lotion's downfall would be his overconfidence. "What?" he whispered. "Why are you not blinded by the pasty-whiteness of my visages?" "I am a Viking you Dumb-Dumb. There is nothing whiter than snow and everyone knows Vikings come from snowy places. I am immune to all things white." yelled Borlock. After saying this he cut down the real Lotion.
(Just for you not so smart folks, that is 2 for the good guys and 0 for the bad guys.)
The next match up came between Philo the Mighty and Achoo the Foreigner. In short, after picking up an unclaimed sandwich, Philo found himself in the fight of his life with a huge beast, which was Achoo, obviously, dumbass. His love for food had distracted him from finishing his program of mass destruction. With his dying breath Philo gutted Achoo with his bare hands. But it was too late; Philo laid motionless on the cold floor.
The villans had taken one of them. Dijon and THE LAMINATOR were next.
THE LAMINATOR had written the most terrifying program imaginable. It showed Dijon a mirror image of himself. THE LAMINATOR was sick like that. As Dijon the Mustardman screamed himself to death at the sight of... himself, his school-girl like cries made THE LAMINATOR's head explode and he perished as well.
The final duel remained. Sir Butteredbread had made it to the highest tower in Motherboard. After knocking down three steel doors with nothing but his brute strength, he laid eyes on the Amazing Techno-Fag. Dagonius was terrified, but it did not show. "You have made it a very long way, but this is where your life stops. Meet my most heinous creation- OMER." The Fag snickered. What stood before our hero was a monstrous raccoon over 12 feet tall with a funny hat and a yellow t-shirt that said "Support the OM team.... OR DIE!" Death seemed eminent for out hero. But alas! It was not so! Unknown to Dagonius, Sir Butteredbread was a killer of giants. He made the giant raccoon into a stew, then proceeded to eat it (yes, Sir Butteredbread was also a cook. Amazing guy, huh?) With that out of the way, Sir Butteredbread prepared to vanquish Dagonius the Amazing Techno-Fag and rid the land of his INTERNET PIRACY forever. Sir Butteredbread moved in for the final blow but before he could swing Dagonius turned himself into a DOS window with wings and flew out the window and over the horizon. Sir Butteredbread was angry. This would not be his last encounter with Dagonius the Amazing Techno-Fag. But those are tales for another day.
When somebody else can be bothered to write them.