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“Yeah, every once in a while I might go for a smoothie, but milkshakes are just a lot better.”

~ Socrates on Milkshakes

A dairy is an air-conditioned subterranean chamber which, in ancient times, was carved out of the living bedrock deep underneath each conglomerated supermarket chain, into which miscellaneous bovine and other excretions were filed and stored until such time as they were sufficiently overripe. Raw dairy products were solely produced in a restricted (and heavily guarded) section of Wisconsin.

Dairy Categorization Scheme[edit]

Anything that fell under the category "Dairy" was a food-like substance rich in inorganic minerals such as calcite and potash, which proved useful in growing bones, fingernails, toenails, carpet tacks, and roofing nails.

Dairy History[edit]


Dairy has a rich history, having been invented by the Swiss in 1702, when a keen Swiss entrepenuer observed his cow drinking a milkshake and said "Now that's the business for me, hot diggity!". He and his cow jointly filed a patent on the milkshake-making process at the old Swiss patent office, and agreed to split the labor 0-100, and the profits 100-0. For several years, his cow made milkshakes and he made shitloads of money. However, his cow developed German measles after intimate contact with some undocumented German travelers and quickly died. Because the man had never asked the cow for her list of secret ingredients, dairy was lost to mankind for several generations.

Fortunately, the cow had enscribed milkshake-making instructions on weather-resistant parchment and stored them in an air-conditioned subterranean chamber on the west bank of the Dead Sea. When playing an extremely in-depth game of ultimate hide and seek at the tender age of seven, Philo T. Farnsworth discovered these scrolls. Fortunately, the young man was versed in the ancient languages of the Swiss, and immediately he saw their potential worth. He brought his discovery to the new Swiss patent office (which was, coincidentally, built on the ruins of the old Swiss patent office), went into production and mass-advertising, and was soon a millionaire. Dairy had successfully entered the stomachs and hearts of millions of Americans worldwide.

Philo T. Farnsworth, having been born a native of Nebraska, secretly hated Wisconsin. He also grew to hate the dairy products his find had inspired — he considered all dairy a filthy capitalist ruse to get young children to "drink up their milk" while actually increasing economic throughput. He decided that the only way he could forgive himself for reintroducing dairy was to give it to Wisconsin. After King Doyle signed the contracts, many men were given land, silos, automatic milking machines, plaid shirts, and two cows. These men established a proud tradition of "dairy farming", which consists of petting cows, tilling soil, watching property taxes quadruple yearly, shoveling huge loads of cowshit, feeding Earth's exploding population, and being treated like common dirt by everybody.

Slowly, this way of life died out completely by 2003 as Minnesotans bought farmland for condominiums; interestingly, few but the farmers seem to mind.

Today, the world is once again dairyless. It can only be hoped that someday a clever entrepreneur will once again rediscover ancient scrolls on the Ways of Farming, and the endless cycle will be reborn.


Clockwork orange got milk.jpg

Similar articles of food which used to be categorized as dairy were butter, cheese, yogurt, beer, milk, ice cream, dairy queen, soybeans, and eggnog.

However, a Google search for American cheese will yield absolutely no results as it never was an actual dairy product. American cheese is, instead, harvested from the moon at a secret American lunar base near the Sea of Cheez Whiz. As an extra-terrestrial substance, it yields no known nutritive benefits to humankind.