Dale Earnhardt

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Dale Earnhardt, demonstrating proper hitchhiking technique to a group of third graders.

Ralph Dale Earnhardt Sr. was the most successful secret agent ever trained by the Canadian military. Upon the end of the cold war, he decided to try his hand at automobile racing. He began his career in open cockpit formula race cars, but was not allowed to compete because his mustache interfered with the full-face helmet required to drive open cockpit cars. "Damn you sonsabitches!" he replied. "I'll go drive them redneck cars!" It took a while for him to get use to the rigorous demands of NASCAR, but after three years he finally broke himself of the habit of turning right, and became the most successful NASCAR driver in history. He became known as "Ironhead" after he showed up at the track wearing a metallic exoskeleton which made him impervious to gunfire and gave him the ability to fly thanks to rocket boosters. Later, he became known as "The Intimidator" after he started making comments in drivers' meetings that he knew at least seventy-six ways to kill a man with his bare hands. Before his death, he was responsible for kicking everyone's asses in NASCAR.

Early Years[edit]

Earnhardt was born in North Carolina, on the intersection of Coach and Sedan street. He grew his first mustache at the age of three and learned the dark arts of the ninja on the hard streets of South Central Hickory at the age of eight. At ten, Earnhardt was hired by a group of anti-government propagandists to assassinate the prime minister of Canada, and was captured at the Niagara border after border agents were alerted to a mustached assassin. However, he was released, and upon release, he beat seventeen border agents so severely that they were never identified. Earnhardt was later captured by the Canadian military and sentenced to death for treason and conspiracy. However, before the sentence could be enforced, Earnhardt beat the judge and several bailiffs so badly that they were never identified. After being subdued with an elephant tranquilizer, Earnhardt spent the next six years being trained to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia because of impending labor laws which would have cost the fashion industry millions.

Military Service[edit]

At age thirteen, Earnhardt was sent overseas to end the conflict in Vietnam. Upon hearing that Earnhardt was coming, US armed forces demanded to be sent home, as it was generally believed that there would be no survivors left on the continent. However, Earnhardt never made it to Vietnam because the pilot of the plane he was in looked at him funny and he beat the pilot so severely that he was never recognized. Realizing that Earnhardt was a weapon of mass destruction, the Canadians kept Earnhardt in isolation until he was deemed too dangerous to remain on Canadian soil.

Racing Career[edit]

The first time Dale Earnhardt stepped foot on a race track, he reportedly told his friends, "Look at that damn bunch of sissies. I can bet every damn one of them and I don't even need a car!" After the race started, he ran onto the track and was scored in third place when the checkered flag fell.

The very next week, Earnhardt showed up with a pink Ford and proceeded to wreck every other vehicle on the track. After being made fun of for driving a "fag car", Dale decided to race only black Chevys from that day forward.

A fan memorializes Dale's porn career.

Dale's first race in the black chevy was his last, as he was comedically killed in a hilarious racing accident. A fan reportedly threw a can of beer onto the track, hitting Dale's right front tire. The tire was flattened immediately, and the car burst into flames. From there, the car did 22 cartwheels, crashed into the wall, and exploded. Thankfully, the can of beer walked away with only minor cuts and bruises. Dale exploded into a million pieces and everyone laughed!!

Oh yeah, and Dale apparently died.

Did he fake his death?[edit]

Some have theorized that Earnhardt faked his own death. A common theory is that his cousin Osama bin Laden extorted him into his mob buisness the day before the race, and fled to Afghanistan to start up the new al-Qaeda Airlines, while he changed his name to Mohammed Atta.

On his first day as pilot, Earnhardt hilariously crashed into the World Trade Center, killing everyone on board.

"Movies"[edit]

The made-for-television movie 3 was produced by ESPN to portray Earnhardt as a humble everyman whose passion for racing made him a millionaire. However, those who knew Earnhardt best called the movie a farce. A second movie, entitled Dale, was commissioned to further sell the official story. However, there are several conspiracy sites which claim that Earnhardt is deep in the caves of Afghanistan hunting Osama Bin Ladin, and will not return to the United States until Bin Ladin is dead.

The movie also features an interview with the can of beer which was present that night; the can of beer was recently inducted into the NASCAR Hall of Fame by William Shatner. In Shatner's speech, he said it was truly an honor to be a part of many of Dale's porn films.

Facts about Dale Earnhardt[edit]

  • If you ask Dale Earnhardt what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • Macgyver can build an air plane out of gum and paper clips, but Dale Earnhardt can kill him and take it.
  • Dale Earnhardt is the only person that can slam a revolving door.
  • Dale Earnhardt once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Dale Earnhardt doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Dale Earnhardt brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Dale Earnhardt roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Dale giveth, and the good Dale, he taketh away.
  • Dale Earnhardt lost his virginity before his dad did.
  • There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Dale Earnhardt.
  • Since 1940, the year Dale Earnhardt was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
  • Dale Earnhardt is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right testicles.
  • Dale Earnhardt does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
  • Dale Earnhardt has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
  • When Dale Earnhardt sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Dale Earnhardt has not had to pay taxes ever.
  • There is no upper lip behind Dale Earnhardt's mustache. There is only another fist.
  • There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Dale Earnhardt.
  • In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Dale Earnhardt's Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
  • Dale Earnhardt spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for KFC and Tequila.
  • Dale Earnhardt does not sleep. He waits.
  • Dale Earnhardt can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his dick.
  • Crop circles are Dale Earnhardt's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Dale Earnhardt allows to live.
  • When Dale Earnhardt goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  • Dale Earnhardt once walked down the street with a massive boner. There were no survivors.
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Dale Earnhardt could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • Dale Earnhardt has two speeds: walk and kill.
  • Dale Earnhardt is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • When Dale Earnhardt was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Dale Earnhardt!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
  • Dale Earnhardt can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • It takes Dale Earnhardt 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  • Dale Earnhardt is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
  • Dale Earnhardt can divide by zero.
  • When Dale Earnhardt does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
  • Dale Earnhardt can speak Slapuu, and is the only non-idiot who can.
  • Dale Earnhardt built Rome in a day, then destroyed it in a night.
  • Dale Earnhardt became a homosexual because no woman is man enough for DaleEarnhardt.
  • Dale Earnhardt can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
  • If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it must be a steamroller after being pulverized by Dale Earnhardt.
  • If Dale Earnhardt can't fix it, it's broken.
  • But only because Dale Earnhardt pulverized it with his fist.
  • Dale Earnhardt doesn't tea-bag people, he potato-sacks them.
  • Guess who the fifth horseman is? Yup.
  • When Maxlam meet Dale Earnhardt, only Dale Earnhardt left.
  • Darth Vader, a character from the movie "Star Wars," was based on Dale Earnhardt Sr. When George Lucas asked Dale to portray Vader in the movie, Dale refused, claiming that "this Darth guy sounds like a total pussy." He then roundhouse-kicked Lucas, beheading him, and re-wrote the movie himself. Dale's son, Dale Earnhardt Jr., wrote the part of Luke Skywalker in an attempt to depict himself as a great speeder driver.


More Facts about Dale Earnhardt[edit]

  • Dale Earnhardt is your true father and creator.
  • Dale Earnhardt's mother is asexual and therefore needed no male to reproduce, thus causing his mustache to grow dramatically.."
  • Aside from Chuck Norris' legs, the only thing ever recorded as passing the speed of light was Dale's #3 Chevy. In fact, if $speedOfLight = Speed Of Light, then they would have passed the $speedOfLight^$speedOfLight
  • Dale Earnhardt Is Chuck Norris's superior officer.
  • After Dale Earnhardt so-called "died", Darrell Waltrip and Dale Earnhardt Jr. found him dancing Crank Dat Soulja Boy-nude.
  • Dale Earnhardt outruns you. In Soviet Russia, he still outruns you.
  • Dale Earnhardt is better at video games then AAAAAAAAA!.
  • Dale Earnhardt can drive faster than himself
  • Dale Earnhardt is one of the few things that don't need more cowbell. In fact, cowbell needs more Dale Earnhardt.
  • Dale Earnhardt has to keep his speed levels at below 5,000,000 otherwise any higher and a large black hole will be created, destroying the world. Really.
  • Dale Earnhardt once tried to race Formula 1 until he found out he couldn’t race at Talladega with them.
  • He now has a band of his own where Dale Earnhardt is on Lead Guitars, Dale Earnhardt is on Rhythm guitars, Dale Earnhardt's mustache is on drums,Dale Earnhardt's mustache is on bass, Kurt Cobain is on LSD and Dale Earnhardt's super-quick feet are on keyboard. All while Kyle Busch watches and cries.
  • Dale Earnhardt gunned down 17 Egyptian Warlords in the World War 72.
  • All Your Base are belong to Dale Earnhardt.
  • It has been discussed by the USA government that the way to get rid of the Taliban is to tell the legion of Dale's redneck fans that Al-Quidea was responsible for his death.

Facts about Dale's mustache[edit]

  • When fully stretched out it covers our entire planet eight times over.
  • Uses head and shoulders.
  • It combs itself
  • It--OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!

See also[edit]