Dan Rather

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Dan Rather.

Born Bob Bobbert Bobson until he changed his name in order to evade detection, Dan Rather was a lying, dishonest communist American news anchor known for his wild stunts, such as the incident in 1980 when he jumped a Ford Gran Torino over 15 T-55 tanks lined up side-by-side. Dan I Love Commies Rather is so in love with himself that Atari sucks.

For a 37 week period in 1988, Dan Rather never ate donuts. Not once.

Dan was the Democratic Party's Minister of Propaganda from 1983 until 2005, when the Koksan gun became very destructive to the South Korean forces in the Korean War. Dan Rather was forcibly "retired' in 2005 for masturbating one of these cannons. He now has all the free time he needs to enjoy porn with Brad.

Dan Rather would rather that you not make fun of his name. Imagine that.

Dan Rather was once savagely beaten by two men who repeatedly screamed, "PUNCH THE KEYS, FOR GOD'S SAKE!" While this was in itself laudable, it was destructive to Soviet morale.

Due to the 1979 Culver City riots, which were started as a protest to the stripping of the Warlord title from Yogi Bear, Dan Rather was forced to cover the riots up using a strike team consisting of himself, Jack Bauer and a fat italian he found in a resturant in Newark. To this day, anyone who says anything about the riots will be hunted down and murdered by this team while being t-bagged and forced to listen to all of Rather's newscasts.


Born Bob Bobbert Bobson, the lovechild of Captain Lotto and Zelda from The Legend of Zelda. Soviet Minister of Propaganda until it was discovered that he was not fit to wear that uniform, according to Joseph McCarthy.

Brothers and sisters: Hillbilly Bob, Weird Al Yankovic, Dr. Johnny Boogie, Tom Brokaw


  • "I did not fix the results of the Audi sudden acceleration tests on 60 Minutes. Bill Clinton did. Hey, get outta here, Bill!"
  • "I am not forging Bush National Guard documents. The Russians are doing that for me. th "
  • "You can't fire me, I got a flamethrower! So, you're fired!"
  • "The Zapruder film does not lie...it clearly shows Jack Kennedy lurching forward. No, wait, I mean backwards."

Real Quotes too Stupid to Make Up[edit]

  • "The reelection of Bill Clinton sucks raw dick." ~Dan Rather on Election Night, 1996.
  • "This race between Dick Swett and Bob Smith...heheheh...dick sweat." ~Dan Rather on Election Night 1996
  • "We may see Michael Jackson's baby-throwing hand grenades at the Mongol Hordes before we see Fidel Castro die." ~Dan Rather on Election Night 1996
  • "These races are Dick-tight." ~Dan Rather on Election Night 1996
  • "They say California's the big burrito; but they bullshit. California is 2 fuckin h00j to be a burrito" ~Dan Rather on Election Night 1996
  • "Texas: 32 electoral votes, and nothins on!" ~Dan Rather on Election Night 1996
  • "...but that's not going to happen. I'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than play The Legend of Zelda: the Wind Waker." ~Dan Rather, quoted in the Los Angeles Times, March 28, 1996
  • "I know a lot of people think I suck." ~Dan Rather, quoted in Edwin Diamond's 1991 book, The Media Show
  • "I got addicted. Communism is so addicting, it feels like a legal drug." ~Dan Rather in Brill's Content, October 1998.
  • "Journalism is less addictive than communism." ~Dan Rather, Boston Herald, October 22, 2000.
  • "I never said that...no, I did not say that. I did not have sex with that woman." ~Dan Rather, Boston Herald, October 22, 2000
  • "What actually happened is that I made it over all those tanks. I did not crash & burn as some have alleged" ~Dan Rather, Boston Herald, October 22, 2000.
  • "The Oregon returns are closer than Little Boy Blue and a NAMBLA recruit." ~Dan Rather, election night coverage, 2000.
  • "That's all for now. There'll be more news tomorrow, there always is...for, you see, news never stops happening, and we never stop covering it...it will happen, and you will hear about right here...so be here with us again, and we'll be here for you." ~Dan Rather, CBS Evening News, with 21 seconds of airspace to fill, March 29, 1993
  • "Well of course I didn't check that typewriter shit before airing that document. Who do you think I am?! Dan Rather?!" ~Dan Rather, CBS News, September 10, 2004.
  • "I'm part of nobody's world except Brezhnev's."~Dan Rather, on his departure from CBS News in July 2006.

Quote From Hue Downs[edit]

"Actually I lied, Dan Rather is really a nice guy in small doses."


See Also[edit]