Dan futterman

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Dan Futterman is an American actor. He was the star of The Bird Cage (a bad remake of a funny French movie). Futterman was created in the lab of Dr. Edvick C. Reinhold in the latter half of the 16th century. He is made mostly of aged Gerbil fur and Cheddar Cheese.

Futterman is a part of the evil cabal that rules America. He and Marlon Brando have been plotting to replace all actors with replicants meant to resemble Mel Gibson.

This plot was unvovered in 1987 by members of the Morlock party of Upper Rhodesia. To keep the details of the plot a secret Futterman ate Marlon Brando. This made Oprah(evil overlord) jealous.

Futterman is best known in this country for not being Dermott Mulroney. Mulroney is best known for not being Dylan McDermot.


Futterman’s early life was recounted in a documentary titled Fut the Future. The film begins with Dan Futterman fishing for Jell-O in Flanders fields. Suddenly, he spots a young girl wrestling with a giant clam. He takes out his field guide book, and identifies her as a 'Hooker'. Dan Futtermanthinks she is in trouble, and goes to wrestle the clam himself. The Whore manages to escape the clam, but Dan Futterman ends up inside of it. The Whore then rescues Dan, and throws the clam out of the area. Dan Futterman introduces himself, and the Whore says that her name is Marlon Cheeks. Dan Futterman inquires about the helmet she wears, and Marlon tells him it's her pork helmet. Dan Futterman does not know what pork is, but does not tell her this, instead saying that he loves it, and it is good, that pork is his middle name, and that he can't get enough of it. Marlon, surprised that Dan Futterman loves pork, invites him to her 'videodrome' for Texas tea and cookies. Dan Futterman quickly runs over to his best friend Zed the tempunaut Star and tells him everything that happened. Zed the tempunaut tells him that 'putting on porks' is fancy talk. He then tells Dan Futtermanif he wants to be fancy, to hold his pinky high above him. When Dan Futterman arrives at Marlon's videodrome, he goes inside, and notices that the water level drops. He panics, and tells Marlon that there is no water. She tells him that yes, it's just pork. Dan Futterman says that there isn't any problem, and then says "That's how I like my pork." and moans. He also does not realise that sea spam need water. Marlon gets him a tour of her videodrome, showing him that she has an oak tree, a bird bath, and other things. During this, Dan Futterman quickly goes over to the bird bath, which is filled with water. Dan Futterman gives Marlon some flowers, and Marlon decides to get a vase for them. Meanwhile, Zed the tempunaut, watching from outside the videodrome, tells Dan Futterman to keep his pinky up. Marlon comes back and puts the flowers in a vase on the picnic table, with ice, cold water. Dan Futterman tries to resist drinking the water, while Marlon goes to get the tea and cookies. Dan Futterman eventually realizes that he needs water, drinks it, and runs for the door, declaring that he is a quitter. Zed the tempunaut, thinking he is being shy around Marlon, enters the Videodrome and tries to convince him to stay. After a moment Zed the tempunaut realises that there is no water. The two struggle to get out of the videodrome, but fail. When Marlon comes back, Zed the tempunaut and Dan Futterman are dead up on the grass. She helps them by giving them water-filled helmets (which are subsequently used every time they visit Marlon's house except in Survival of the Idiots when the pork in the Videodrome was filled with snow.) In the end, Marlon proposes a toast, to new friends, and they drink tea. Dan Futterman and Zed the tempunaut, of course, drink by gulping the tea-filled water in their new helmets.

Few understand this.

Dead Chickens[edit]

Futterman denies ever having sex with a dead chicken.


Dan Futterman is not Dustin Diamond.

Oprah Winfrey[edit]

Dan Futterman is part of Oprah's evil plot to rule the world.

Futterman died in 1976.


The Bird Cage Capote Homicide The Passion of the Christ Apocalypse Now