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“The greatest secret agent in the history of the world, hands down.”
“He's the greatest, He's fantastic, Wherever there is danger he'll be there, He's the ace, He's amazing, He's the strongest he's the quickest he's the best, Danger Mouse... Danger MOOOUSE... DANGER MOUSE!”
“What would Danger Mouse do?”
“What the hell happened to his other eye?, is he a pirate or something?”
Danger Mouse (December 5, 1967 - March 4, 2001?) was a British Secret Service Super Spy who also happened to be a rather small but unusually perceptive white mouse. Such was DM's incredible success in protecting Britain from her enemies he was granted permission to live in a Red Post Office Pillar box - an honour bestowed on only two other living Englishmen. Little is known about Danger Mouse's early years or his private life; any information we have had is only from the 10 years of his life which he dedicated to making a real-time documentary which he named after himself.
Danger Mouse: The Documentary
Unfortunately, most of the footage from Danger Mouse is still classified as top secret with only select cuttings being broadcast live every saturday morning. The episodes that are available give us a reassuring glimpse into the world of the secret service and chronicle the brave escapades of Danger Mouse himself, his Commanding Officer Colonel K and his erstwhile partner Penfold. What is most interesting about the documentary series is that it finally highlighted the valuable work the nations rodents were doing in protecting its inhabitants from the evil ungodly heathen reptiles from other countries.
Documenting DM's services for king and country from 1981 to 1991, the series showed us how his missions were helping to keep the empire from collapse. The chief enemy of the proud people of the United Kingdom was the diabolical Baron Silas Greenback, whose evil nefarious schemes included stealing all of the Queens Road Signs from England in order to throw the nation into disarray. If Danger mouse had not been on hand to save the day, such a despicable act would have forever destroyed the Gold Standard and forced the Pound into a sharp decline.
It was in the mid-eighties that Danger Mouse undertook his greatest case which, due to its very nature, went entirely unaired. Details are scarce regarding this case, but it is known that it involved three nuns, a bicyle and a large tub of margarine. Never had such a threat to national security been planned and foiled.
Did you know?
As it would have been possible to identify DM from his voice (literally thousands of mice in the UK are bipedal and have an eyepatch), the makers of the documentary decided to find a voice actor to dub the spy's voice. Unfortunately the producers of the show got monumentally munted on the day before casting and hired the first man they saw the following morning, a street vendor trying to sell them knock off perfume and fake watches. The man was Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter and it was this voice that the nation loved as DM's.
In the late 80's Baron Greenback, funded by International Communism, was able to literally buy Great Britain. Now head of MI6, the Baron immediately disbanded the small mammals and aviary section of the secret service and turned the rest of the department over to do great evils, such as hiding the Queen Mothers Dentures.
Danger mouse's later years are well documented. As he was no longer a top secret spy, he no longer lived in top secret conditions. In fact being jobless he wasn't able to keep up the mortgage payments on his pillar box so was forced to live on the streets.
By the early 90's DM sunk very low indeed. He turned to alcohol, then kitchen cleaners, and finally eating his own droppings and mainlining rat poison. It was during this low ebb that DM embarked on a surprisingly succesful career first as a stripper, then as a porn star. Due to the immense size of DM's penis, other male performers immediately quit the shoots as they were terrified of being out performed by a mouse. However, even though the women loved it and the tapes found a niche market first in London then in Japan, the strain was too much for DM. Due to the lack of other male performers he was 'on the job' for 16 hours a day, the rest of the time was spent scoring and shooting up. At night he would crawl back to his shoebox by the Thames.
Famously, whilst filming on the set of 'Chair Climbers 6', DM fell victim to the dreaded porn star affliction 'The Gush'. DM's impressive man mouse equipment erupted in its usual spout of rodent batter over a womans buttocks, but this time something was different. This time the eruption did not stop. Looking on, aghast, the Director called for DM to be rushed to a hospital. The Gush is almost 95% fatal unless treated immediately.
Due to the quick actions of the Director DM arrived at the hospital during stage 2, and the doctors were able to save him. After a long recuperation, in which DM was able to lose his rat poison habit but became addicted to medical sterilisation fluid, DM was only able to find work as a fluffer. He was treated with both disdain and respect in this position. Disdain at being a fluffer, and respect as he was one of only 2 beings to ever survive the gush. DM never ejaculated again.
Much Later Years
During this period Penfold had found work as a stand in pet for a welsh Postman called Pat; his usual pet Jess had to flee the country during Baron Greenback's purge of racially questionable mammals. Whilst in this temporary position and in a severe depression Penfold was contacted by DM's old teacher and mentor, Secret Squirrel.
Britain's former allies were banding together to free her from the yoke of the reptiles, but their routes of influence were limited because of the perfectly legal manner in which Silas took over the country. As such, and in secret, a coalition of willing mammals was formed.
Funded by Scrooge McDuck, who was upset at seeing his ancestors' homeland (Scotland) over run by hordes of Reptiles and Amphibians, a network of agents was quickly established. Working behind the scenes they managed to lay all the ground work for a well organised uprising.
This was primarily due to the invaluable work done by a deep cover agent Kermit the Frog, who whilst being a reptile, had always felt more at home with mammals and even loved a mammal though it went against nature. Kermit had managed to secure a high office in Baron Greenback's (or Grand Exalted and Imperical Imperial Emperor the Right Honourable Baron Silas Greenback MP as his new tile was), War Ministry. In this post Kermit learned of a time and place when Silas was going to organise a huge military rally and book burning.
Secret Squirrel informed Penfold that his job was to unite all the former members of the SMAS and any other mammals who were resisting the reptilian rule within the British Isles. Also, the troops needed a leader in combat, this leader could only be Danger Mouse. Penfold's first job was to locate the wayward Super Spy. He was helped in his quest by a small contingent of agents that Scrooge McDuck had sent over with Secret Squirrel.
Eventually Penfold and his allies found the wayward mouse living in a Dustbin, behind an Aldi, drinking oven cleaning fluid from a shoe. It was Aldi oven cleaning fluid - and that is the cheapest of all oven cleaners. After they sobered him up (the process took a number of days) they detailed the situation and DM signed up immediately. He would have his revenge.
The assault began 2 weeks later, the newly formed and reinforced mammal army attacked Greenback's stronghold in what was formerly Buckingham Palace. The list of combatants had names among them that were worth thousands of knights each.
There has also been rumors spreading that Danger Mouse is bisexual and fell in love with Baron Greenback for no apparent reason. There is not much proof to prove or debunk this idea because a fangirl told me about this.
The end, or is it?
Danger Mouse is thought to have died in battle on March 4, 2001. However, as with the death of any great figure, numerous sightings have been reported since then. This has sparked a number of conspiracy theories and left many wondering if indeed Danger Mouse has returned to work for the secret service. A few kids broke into some pillar boxes around the W12 area of london but didn't uncover any substantial evidence.
There are also rumours that Danger mouse is set to appear in the next series of Spooks, but these haven't been confirmed.