“Yeah, that's right! Create a blonde James Bond with balls of steel, make him blow things up every five minutes and not even close to be attractive to women, then release in on a minus million profit scale and fucking ruin my whole enterprise! I don't think so! Pierce is my homeboy; he's got the role!”
“You're a fucktard, Broccoli, you know that? I'm sorry I'm not sorry, but you're such a little prig. Now the whole world will know that you died scratching my balls! Oh, and by the way, the name's Craig... Daniel Craig.”
“ That last hand, nearly killed me!”
Daniel 'Will Fucking Kill You' Craig (born November 1st, 1968 in Lancashire, Switzerland to parents George Lazenby and Diana Rigg) is the current James Bond (or, Mr Kiss-Kiss Bang-Bang, as he wants to be called), often mistyped on his passport books and credit cards as 'James Blond' (and fucking kills every mistyper).
Mr. Craig has a long and distinguished career as an actor, portraying a spoiled milquetoast in Tom Hanks' Road To Perdita, a spy in Elizabeth xXx, a man who banged a big-breasted chick in Room Tader and a drug lord in the popular thriller Upside-down Cake. He recently portrayed Lord Asshole in an unsuccessful film adaptation of the popular book series His Dark Cereals, and is now widely acclaimed for his role in the forgettable flop Flashbacks of an Opium Eater.
His black hair and dark tan complexion, make for an interesting display of strength, majesty, and Chuck Norris-esque-ness. In 1998, Craig began a crazed binge on anabolic steriods, leading to massive hair loss, but damn ripped abs. Craig stunned the world in 1999 when he became the first male (non-robot) to pose for Playboy. To compensate for his hair loss, he bought a wig, which he used to choke a fat doctor at a hair restoration clinic. He then scalped the doctor and wore his hair.
His penchant for frog breeding and eating peanuts made him a surprise contender for Parliament, but he foolishly decided not to run and instead pursued love-making with beautiful women. It's true that he's a member of the infamous James Bond gang, a group of notorious British criminals and pimps, but people still think he's a wanker.
His family includes his mother, father, uncle, three daughters. No Grandparents mind.
His Bad Motherfucker Scale is over seven million, and by the time you finished reading this article it'll be nine million. And you'll be dead.
(Pierce Brosnan walks into his office, looking very wary. He goes for his desk, but notices something in the far corner. Walking over, he is interrupted by the voice of Daniel Craig, who is sitting in a chair)
Daniel Craig: EON doesn't mind you making a little money on the side, Brosnan. They'd just prefer it if it wasn't making movies.
(Pierce Brosnan sits down at his desk and begins taking off his gloves, secretly opening the compartment to his gun all the while)
Pierce Brosnan: If your great acting is supposed to scare me, you've got the wrong man, Craig. If EON was so sure my acting sucked, they'd have sent a film actor. The benefits of having a good film agent: I'd know of anyone being promoted to new Bond status, and your file shows no films....and it takes...
Daniel Craig: Two.
(Sequence showing Craig knocking down Albert Broccoli in a bathroom and subsequently beating the crap out of him.)
(Pierce Brosnan points a gun at Craig and smiles.)
Pierce Brosnan: Shame. We barely got to know each other.
(He pulls the trigger, and a flag pops out, with the word "Pwned". Daniel Craig flips Brosnan the bird.)"
Daniel Craig: I know where you keep your gun. I suppose that's something.
Pierce Brosnan: True. How did he die?
Daniel Craig: Broccoli? Not well.
(The fight sequence ends with Daniel Craig forcing Albert Broccoli to scratch his balls, then drowning him in a urinal he just finished using)
Pierce Brosnan: Made you feel it, did he?
Daniel Craig: I've still made good movies.
Pierce Brosnan: And which would those be?
Daniel Craig: Layer Cake and... Munich.
Pierce Brosnan: Hmmm... quite a start. Well, you needn't worry; the second film is--
(Daniel shoots Pierce in the face with his silenced Walther, and then rips out his spine with his bare hands for good measure)
Daniel Craig: Yes...considerably.
(We go back to the bathroom, where Daniel Craig is picking up his gun. Albert Broccoli jumps up, gun in hand)
Albert Broccoli: WWWWUUUUUAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
(In an instant, Daniel Craig turns and shoots him in a dramatic gunbarrel sequence!)
- An excerpt from Craig's autobiography, "How I Got My First Big Role".
Craigism: The Blonde Knight
Although a certain minority of people still hate Daniel Craig, the vast majority of people on Earth practice the religion known as Craigism, wherein they pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that He, in his noodly wisdom, does not send his messenger Daniel Craig, the Blonde Knight as a creature of vengeance.
To those of you puzzled by this strange behavior from seemingly sensible people, these are the reasons why:
100 Completely True Facts about Daniel Craig
- Daniel Craig IS James Bond.
- Daniel Craig knows where you live and now you know that. So he might kill you from now on (if he has to)...
- Daniel Craig is tougher than Chuck Norris. Yes, you read that correctly.
- Chuck Norris doesn't win because he's so tough; he wins because Daniel Craig lets him.
- The Americans have Chuck Norris, the Chinese have Jackie Chan, the British have Daniel Craig.
- He doesn't need to fly. He only needs to walk through walls.
- If you fuck with either James Bond or Daniel Craig, he will steal your car, steal your wife, and blow up your house.
- Daniel Craig will kill any man who appears on the stairs!
- Don't ever scratch Daniel Craig's balls, because they're full of metal spikes and have an alarm trigger which could make your best friends kill you!
- If you beat Daniel Craig at a poker match, ninjas will come and kill you! If they fail, you may be honoured enough to have the big man kill you himself... with his little finger!
- Never knock down Daniel Craig in a bathroom, because he will kill you in a dramatic gun barrel sequence!
- Daniel Craig doesn't need Q. He is a gadget!
- Daniel Craig doesn't need a house. Everywhere is his house!
- Daniel Craig doesn't just play James Bond. His legal name is Mr. Kiss-Kiss Bang-Bang!
- If Daniel Craig was in Moonraker, he would have taken that Moonraker space shuttle and ridden it straight into Hugo Drax's ass. Then, he would invite everyone to party in the Bahamas!
- Daniel Craig may have crashed the Aston Martin, but he'll still kick your ass.
- Daniel Craig may not look too good to you, but he'll make you look worse.
- Daniel Craig kills any man who stares at him for more than ten seconds.
- Daniel Craig owns two types of things: Murder weapons, and potential murder weapons.
- If you call him a bad Bond, he'll kick your ass so bad you'll be the only one in heaven with a wheelchair.
- If you call him "James Blonde" just one more time, you'll find yourself with a defillibrator shoved up your ass. Backwards.
- It didn't take skill for him to win the poker match -- just his cold, hard stare. It scared the shit out of Le Chiffre.
- Daniel Craig didn't need parkour to catch that African bombmaker -- he moves at the speed of light. He just wanted to have a little fun before he killed the bastard.
- Don't poison his drink - he's immune to death, but you're not.
- Daniel Craig’s fists cure cancer. Unfortunately, he has never fisted a patient. Ever.
- Daniel Craig does not sleep. He waits.
- Daniel Craig does not fuck. He drills.
- Daniel Craig does not love you. He burns you.
- Daniel Craig does not wash his clothes. He disembowels them.
- Daniel Craig once auditioned for Pop Idol. When Simon Cowell turned him down with a characteristic "That was horrendous!", Craig promptly shot him in the face with his P99 and declared, "Yes. Considerably." Incidentally, his audition piece was "You Know My Name".
- He was once almost killed by Jack Bauer. He refuses to comment on the issue of how he survived the attack, mentioning only that it involved "snakes, planes, Samuel L. Jackson, stupid plot twists, and how to dismantle an atomic bomb".
- If you can see Daniel Craig, he can see you. If you can’t see Daniel Craig, you may be only seconds away from death.
- Daniel Craig has counted to infinity. Thrice.
- Daniel Craig is 1/8th Muslim. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking Arab!
- If Daniel Craig was in Thunderball, he would have shoved those nuclear missiles up Emilio Largo's ass and flung him into a volcano. Then, he would have gone scuba-diving and fucked that Domino chick hard!
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Daniel Craig, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
- Daniel Craig once punched someone so hard that his fist broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Xenia Onatopp while she was having sex with a Canadian admiral...
- Crop circles are made by Daniel Craig for MI6 and is a way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
- Daniel Craig is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
- Hadrian's Wall was originally created by the Romans in Scotland to keep Daniel Craig out. It failed miserably.
- Daniel Craig has Navy blood in him. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man drinks the blood of sailors!
- If you ask Daniel Craig what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds ’til." After you ask, "Two seconds ’til what?", he blows up your house and burns your face.
- Daniel Craig drives an Aston Martin DB5 covered in human skulls.
- Daniel Craig sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled shooting ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Craig shot the devil in the face with a P99 and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month with Chuck Norris.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Daniel Craig allows to live.
- Daniel Craig once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour; he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- Daniel Craig is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in Madagascar.
- Daniel Craig is the only man to come back to life. Twice.
- Daniel Craig once challenged Jesus to a battle of wills; Jesus ran away like a frightened little pussy.
- Daniel Craig doesn’t churn butter: He punches the cows and the butter comes straight out.
- When Daniel Craig sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself during a gun barrel sequence. Daniel Craig has not had to pay taxes ever.
- The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Daniel Craig's P99.
- If Daniel Craig was in Licence to Kill, he would have killed Sanchez in that airplane just by making eye contact with him. Then, he would go to Felix Leiter's wedding and get it on with the bridesmaids!
- A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Daniel Craig and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- Daniel Craig will attain countyhoood in 2010. His flower will be the Vesper.
- Though Hiroshima had a bomb dropped on it, Nagasaki never did: Daniel Craig simply jumped out of an aeroplane and punched the ground.
- Daniel Craig originally appeared in the Street Fighter II video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused the opponent to spontaneusly combust. When asked about this "glitch", Craig replied, "That’s no glitch."
- The opening scene of the movie Saving Private Ryan is loosely based on games of dodgeball Daniel Craig played in Eton.
- If Daniel Craig was in Goldeneye, he would have shot Trevelyan on that first mission with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Then he would have had a vodka drinking contest with every Russian on that base and would have won!
- Daniel Craig once bet the British Ministry of Defense he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 2005, a naked Daniel Craig re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 British counties and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed spokesman for the MOD publicly claimed it was a falling satellite and still owes him a martini.
- Daniel Craig has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Sex is a combination of both.
- Contrary to popular belief, Britain is not a constitutional monarchy, it is a Craigtatorship.
- Godzilla is based on a true story: Daniel Craig once swallowed a Japanese iguana whole, and when he crapped it out, the iguana was sixty feet tall and could breathe fire.
- Daniel Craig is not hung like a horse; horses are hung like Daniel Craig.
- Daniel Craig is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -— you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will punch you.
- Daniel Craig can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Daniel Craig instead decided to parkour his way out of his mother’s womb.
- If you say Daniel Craig’s name in Mongolia, the people there will take a Walther P99 and shoot you in the chest in his honor. Their shot will be followed by a UMP9 carried by none other than Craig himself.
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Daniel Craig.
- In an average living room, there are 1,242 objects Daniel Craig could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Daniel Craig can touch MC Hammer.
- While at Eton, Daniel Craig didn’t read books. He stared them down until he got the information he wanted.
- Daniel Craig once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
- Daniel Craig always has sex on the first date. Always.
- Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Daniel Craig. Not to be outdone, Daniel Craig invented the car flipping accident.
- As a teen, Daniel Craig impregnated every nun in every convent in Europe. Twice.
- Daniel Craig doesn't die at the end of Layer Cake. But you do.
- Daniel Craig once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more balls?" contest and won by 5.
- Hurricane Katrina was a result of Daniel Craig having too many beans.
- Likewise, the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami was a result of Daniel Craig jumping into the sea off the coast of Thailand.
- Daniel Craig wanted to be James Bond all along and came very close in 1995. However, Cubby Broccoli chose some Irish dude after seeing him make some alluring poses at a cricket match. Shortly after, Broccoli went to the bathroom and never came out.
- Concorde went out of business when they found out Daniel Craig was faster than them.
- Daniel Craig managed to infiltrate the IRA by personally threatening the organization's leaders. Shortly thereafter, that Irish dude quit the Bond series, leaving the door open for Craig himself.
- Now the whole world knows Le Chiffre died scratching Daniel Craig's balls!
- The collapse of the apartment house in Venice wasn't caused by rushing air tanks. Daniel Craig was having a bowel movement.
- If Daniel Craig was in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, he would have ripped off Blofeld's head when he jumped on that bobsled. Then, he would invite everyone to party in Switzerland!
- If you try to top Daniel Craig by breaking into M's home, Daniel Craig will personally let the ferocious she-bitch that is the director of MI6 break your head off like a bottlecap.
- They once tried to commemorate a statue of Daniel Craig in Trafalgar Square, but people's heads kept exploding upon looking into his piercing blue eyes.
- Daniel Craig has a embarrassing habit of hanging out at construction yards, jumping from crane to crane. He also likes to break into opera houses and fucking kill everyone who starts to run away from him. After all, he's such a sweetheart, he can't be blamed for any of this, right?
- When Daniel Craig was six years old, he asked his dad to buy him some ice cream and his dad refused. Since that day Craig kills every ice cream man that comes too close saying, "Ice cream? No, you scream!"
- Craig has the only cure for being dead, but he's not going to share it with you.
- Daniel Craig isn't beaten; he just lets other people win.
- In real life, Daniel Craig doesn't kill you. He orders his gun to do it so you can't blame him later (as if you could blame him after you die anyway -- it's more of an honour than a punishment).
- Daniel Craig had Rene Mathis arrested near the end of Casino Royale not because he was a traitor, but because he laughed at Craig's hair.
- Daniel Craig likes to get his shirts dirty in whatever liquid he can come close to. The thing is, he never washes them, he just goes to sleep and the movie operators always bring new shirts at the morning. Or is it the Tooth Fairy?
- In the US capital's name, '"Washington, D.C." the last two letters stand for "Daniel Craig". As a token of his Craigulous power all over the US, the Founding Fathers knew that one day, a Messiah would be born, a Messiah that would lead Americans into an era of low fat products and SUV bankrupcies. Of course, that Messiah should be born British.
- Daniel Craig is so godlike, the Catholic Church became the Craigic Church.
- How did Daniel Craig find out Dominic Greene's name? Why in the simplest way possible: Telepathy.
- ...and because, had he been able to, he would have shoved that motorbike up Greene's ass before killing him (sadly, motorbikes do not roam wild in the Bolivian desert).
- Daniel Craig will still fucking come and kill you when you reach the end of this sentence, so you can consider yourself dead. About now. There. Dead yet? No? Okay how about now? Neither? Err, well, he's having a dinner with Vesper Lynd, so wait about five minutes or so. Well, you will be dead. Someday. Eventually...
- Editor's Note: Daniel Craig has just fucking killed you. Consider yourself dead.
- Casino Royale: James Bond
- Quantum of Solace: James Bond
- Some Other Stuff: Only the critics care about