Darkseid

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“Yes, it's spelled "Darkseid". Now stop asking me.”

~ Darkseid on how to spell his name.

“Are you sure it's spelled "Darkseid"? Because that doesn't seem right.”

~ n00b asking Darkseid something.

“AAAAHHHHHHH!!!”

~ n00b after being hit by the Omega Beams, five seconds later.

“I was hit by the Omega Beams once. And though it was a pleasant experience, I doubt I'll be doing it again any time soon”

Darkseid is the great and mighty lord of Apokolips. His rule has been a golden age upon his world, bringing a great empire to his world and swift death to its enemies.

History[edit]

Once known as Upyours, Darkseid was but a minor who only wanted what he desrved. Namely, the universe. But everyone must start somewhere. He gained his great power and rock hard appearance with the Omega Effect. All who gaze into the power of his evil benevolent eyes were whisked away to another place. Namely the firepits. He became Lord of Apokolips when his mother died of natural causes (remember, most poisons are caused by plants, which occur naturally). Upon his ascent to the throne, he was forced to go into a war with New Genesis, which he mostly started. Through out many of those battles, the warriors of New Genesis were slaughtered. Granted, a number of Darkseid's own troops were slaughtered, but it's not like any of them died while they were running away from Darkseid. Over the years, Great Darkseid realized that he wasn't getting anywhere. He negotiated a peace with Highfather of New Genesis. Highfather gave up his beloved son Scott, while Darkseid threw out his unloved spawn Orion. And everyone was happy. Until Scott escaped. Apparently, he disliked the child care of Darkseid. His loss.

Over time, Darkseid has come into contact with Superman and fought him on many occasions. Darkseid never lost. He let Superman win. That's it.

Accomplishments[edit]

Great Darkseid has achieved much for Apokolips in his reign. Domestically, the children of Apokolips are hooked at an early age, where their parents reluctantly willing give up their children to his trainer, Granny Goodness, an old lady with lots of cats. The best female students are selected for his Female Furies, a group of lesbian feminazis who would die for Darkseid. The best of the males join the armies under General Steppenwolf, the uncle of Darkseid and host of several shows on the Hunting Channel, and Virman Vundabarr, the only Nazi field marshal deemed too evil to kill.

Education is also a central component of Darkseid's domestic policy, which is overseen by his majordomo Desaad. Training children in execution methods, warfare, and marauding are taught at an early age. Additionally, math is a central component of Darkseid's plans. People are constantly trying to solve the Anti-Life Equation, which will allow Glorious Darkseid to conquer worlds even faster than he already can. You could say that the people doing the math are chained to their desks and go without food and sleep. And you'd be right.

On the foreign policy end, Darkseid pursues a peaceful foreign policy of "submission or death". In the end, they had their choice. But sadly, Great Darkseid was forced to send massive amounts of parademons and suicide jockeys to kill everything on those planets that resisted. He had not choice.

He also killed Batman. YOU BASTARD!

Family[edit]

Great Darkseid has a large and extensive family. His mother and father were Yuga-Khan and Queen Heggra. Sadly, Darkseid was without a father growing up, for Yuga-Khan was imprisoned within the Source wall for kitten huffing. Darkseid's brother, Drax, first found the Omega Effect, but Darkseid didn't want his brother to suffer from the burden of leadership, so he killed him. Darkseid then married Suli, a local Liberal-Democratic politician and pacifist, who bore Great Darkseid a son, Kalibak. This did not sit well with Heggra, for she was a firm Tory, so she had Desaad expose Suli to the sermons of Pat Robertson. Suli was declared dead within four minutes. After that, Darkseid married Tigra, also a Tory, who bore his son Orion. Darkseid (DarkSYDE), being a Labour Party supporter, soon found his mother unbearable. Fortunately, Heggra soon died of natural causes, as the poison in her drink occurred naturally.

Hobbies[edit]

Great Darkseid has many fun ways to spend his time when not governing or campaigning. They include, but are not limited to, the following:

  • Playing darts, using live hummingbirds while someone is strapped to the dartboard.
  • Roasting things over the firepits of Apokolips, including chestnuts, marshmallows, and puppies. It doesn't really matter, as Darkseid loves to watch things burn.
  • Juggling various objects, including tennis balls, tomatoes, and severed heads.
  • Going on a hunt with his son Kalibak. Usually, they hunt deer, elk, and club-footed midgets.