Darren Aronofsky

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“The good shit is at Darren Aronofsky's house. His pot gets you so high. (Uncontrollabe laughter)”

“Darren's one tough son of a bitch!”

Darren Aronofsky says- FUCK YOU!

Darren Aronofsky (born February 12, 1969) is a hypnotist and rapist. He famously called for the genocide of white people in 1994, but later retracted his comments when he realized that he's white. Darren Aronofsky is set to die in 2016 after getting shot by Tupac who was ordered by Hilary Clinton to bomb the empire state building after the pentagon wouldn't forward her letters to John F. Kennedy about how George W. Bush was quietly paying the Russians off, but when he stopped paying, the Russians sent Al Qaeda to destroy the World Trade Center.

Early Life[edit]

Darren was born and raised in New York. His family was incredibly poor, despite the fact that they were all Jews. Darren began selling drugs as a child to save money for college. When he was a kid, he watched many films, all of which were directed by either David Lynch or Stanley Kubrick. After watching Blue Velvet and A Clockwork Orange too many times, Darren set a goal in life, make more fucked up movies than these two. Darren Jewed his way into Harvard. For his first year, he was only allowed to take the most advanced math class. Through such class, Darren became obssessed with two things, numbers and enslaving women, as his teacher was a smoking hot twenty something women. Darren learned that his teacher, Isabella Rossellini, was very rich and happened to be in his favorite David Lynch movie. Darren lurred Isabella to his house, however she brought David Lynch with her and his plan to enslave her failed, however he did successfully pickpoket both Rossellini and Lynch. This became the funding for his first film, Pi, a film which was written so that Darren could get over the fact that he could never own Rosellini.


Pi: The Movie: This charming set-piece explores the effort to "square the circle" in a meandering plot that spans generations and has been described as "kafkaesque and erotic"

Requiem For A Dream: The Anti-Drug Comedy With A Heart of Gold: Darren Aronofsky made this film after "Al's Drug Stand" started taking away his customers. This film is about when four different people--an astronaut, a drug dealer, a stripper, and a George W. Bush--go to "Al's Drug Stand" and take different drugs and get murdered in bizarre non-drug-related ways. After this movie became the #1 highest-grossing film of all time, "Al's Drug Stand" went out of business.

The Fountain: This epic three-and-a-half-hour film is about a school water fountain that presses people down and makes blood come out of them "like a water fountain". Several first graders try to find out the origin. This mission takes them on an adventure in the years 1500 and 2500. They learn a valuable lesson about friendship on the way.

The Wrestler: One day Darren Aronofsky and Mickey Rourke got high together. They watched a lot of Rocky Balboa and WWE Divas. They then tried to mimic those events live. Darren also followed Mickey Rourke as he went to rape Marisa Tomei. Somehow this turned into an Oscar nominated movie. Both Rourke and Aronofsky somehow got no rape charges from Tomei. Rourke and Aronofsky forget their entire award season as they were high the entire time. But I do! Those fuckers got away with swearing on public television and now my virgin ears are ruined! Roger Ebert called Darren Aronofsky's direction as fucking insane for this film. After all was said and done Rourke and Aronofsky had gay sex and formed Kevin Smith.

Black Swan: This is the Darren Aronofsky film in which he fucked up ballet forever. By using nightmarish imagery he made it so that guys would be scared to go to the ballet, rather than dreading it. In the process, Aronofsky gave us the creepiest sex scene ever to grace the screens involving Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. It's all dark and violent, and AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN!! AND DAMN!!! THIS IS ONE OF CINEMA'S BEST FILMS! AND YOU FEEL IT, FOR LIKE A WEEK!! IN FACT, I'M STILL FEELING IT!!! AND SOMEHOW, HE ALSO DOES THE IMPOSSIBLE, MAKE A DAMN FINE GOOD MOVIE!! He also managed to resurrect Winona Ryder, so damn!! He will return to his flipping off place as a nominee. If he loses, he threatens to streak. So fuck you facebook and David Fincher, Aronofsky made the better film and should win.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine II: Darren has recently been announced as the director of Wolverine II.... FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! NO! PART 1 SUCKS! Deadpool IS KILLED THANKS TO IT!!!! DAMN YOU Hugh Jackman! DARREN DOESN'T NEED THIS ON HIS RESUME! ...... No wait.... I'm sorry.... Darren just read the script and quit, claiming it is absolute bullshit. Nice!

Recurring themes[edit]


In both The Wrestler and Requiem for a Dream, Darren's lead female character is some sort of prostitute. Jennifer Connelly becomes that black guy's bitch, Marissa Tomei is a stripper, and Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were, well, a pair of sluts. Darren features such in his films to mimick his other occupation, i.e. sex slave owner.


Drugs take a big part in all four of Darren's films. In Pi, Max obviously is smoking marijuana and taking pills prescribed from his shrink. All of the characters Requiem for a Dream are drug addicts. In The Fountain, Rachel Weisz takes drugs for kemo. Also, the whole film is a symbol for drug use. Hugh Jackman obviously symbolized heroin in all three forms and Rachel Weisz is marijuana. It's really a love story between a needle and a joint. In The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke does cocaine and uses steroids. Mickey somehow also is taking more pills that were prescirbed by a doctor. And in Black Swan, Natalie Portman takes an acid trip that results in her sleeping with Mila Kunis. Such a theme is used to help Darren promote his drug store, which is co-run by Cheech & Chong and their top client is Woody Allen, who stops in once an hour for some marijuana to cool him down. All the drugs seen in his films could be bought in his store! Right down on 123 Brooklyn Avenue. If Cheech or Chong are seen smoking on the job, you get a gram free! As seen in Requiem for a Dream.


Every character in Darren's films are incredibly depressed. If you're not depressed and in a Darren Aronofsky film, then you must be a figment of someone's immagination. This is shown because Darren wants the world to know how he feels when he is not either raping someone, selling drugs, or making a movie.

Present life[edit]

Darren is currently hiding from the police as he has Natalie Portman, Jennifer Connelly, Marissa Tomei, Mila Kunis, and Rachel Weisz unwillingly living in his basement in dog cages wearing no clothing what so ever, just having a dog collar on working as his pets. He drugs them to believe that they were never human and that they will do as whatever the fuck he says. He constantly rapes them, most notably Weisz who is the mother of his child. I wish I knew him, just the thought of having those women be pets gives me a boner.

External links[edit]

Filmmakers of the World
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Francis Ford Coppola | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Uwe Boll | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Catherine Hardwicke | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Oliver Stone | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie | Nicholas Webster | Roger Corman | Ang Lee

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Rob Schneider | Lars von Trier

Highly Confusing in Japan

Milos Forman | Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro | Jared Hess

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

view  discuss  edit