Darth Dickens

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An incredibly dull and long-winded Lord of the Sith.

Origins[edit]

Darth Dickens was immaculately conceived after British writer Charles Dickens accidentally drank several bottles of undiluted floor polish during a Saturday night bender. Suffering from a severe bout of gastrointestinal distress (known in the medical profession as the "hideous ripping farts"), Charles retired to his luxurious two-storey bathroom in Bloomsbury, where he grunted and strained for a total of three weeks. At the end of this period, Darth Dickens dropped into the toilet fully grown. How this was at all biologically possible is not yet known, so shut up and stop asking me. Charles Dickens was so surprised and horrified at Darth's appearance that he promptly sold the boy to a local pickle factory. Then he went home and wrote about how immoral child labor was.

Darth Dickens, pictured here with Darth Austen.

He Turns![edit]

Abandoned and enslaved, Darth Dickens quickly became embittered and angry, and eventually psychotic. He began to have recurring hallucinations of a tall, bearded man with long, flowing hair whom he believed to be Jesus; in fact, it was only Jerry Garcia, and he was really, really high. Accordingly, Jerry revealed to Darth Dickens that it was his destiny to become a leader of men, and that he should begin by leading a revolt among the pickle factory workers. Darth Dickens rallied his coworkers and proceeded to deliver a fifteen hour speech about workers' rights. Almost his entire audience died of boredom, and those few that remained alive labelled him a dirty communist. It is often believed that this incident was what caused him to turn to the Dark Side. Of course, it may also have been the constant inhalation of vinegar fumes from the pickle brine.

The Ennui Three[edit]

Darth Dickens soon met Darth Austen and Darth Brontë, two aspiring Dark Ladies of the Sith who were just as boring and stuffy as he was. Darth Dickens agreed to take both women as apprentices, although in accordance with his thoroughly uninteresting persona, he never even tried to bang either of them. This was actually a good move on his part, as Darth Brontë was a lesbian, and a manly one at that, and Darth Austen had sewn shut her own vagina at the age of three. The trio soon formed a group widely known as The Ennui Three and devoted themselves to stamping out all wit, humor, and enjoyment the world over, armed only with their light sabers and the gift of mind-numbing tedium.

The three gained their first big victory with the institution of public broadcast television, with its wide array of educational and dry news-related programming. Darth Dickens is probably also responsible for the existence of journalist Charlie Rose. The Ennui Three were also regular contributors to Reader's Digest and convinced Robin Williams to stop taking cocaine by using the famous Jedi Mind Trick.

All three were eventually assassinated in a lengthy duel with Jedi Master Oscar Wilde.


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List of famous Sith Lords
(Mostly people using the title Darth)

Emperor Palpatine D'arthangnan Darth Anonymous Darth Cheney Darth Cow
Darth Dickens Darth Dietmar Darth Feta Darth Hitler Darth Hogan
Darth Maul Darth Nocuous Darth Sidious Darth Tater Darth Vader