Darth Revan

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Darth Revan on the set of his first holo-film, the highly original Star Wars: Neverwinter Nights.

“I lost the game!”

Darth Revan was a holo-film action star, war hero, adventurer extraordinaire, and tiki mask model in the star wars Universe, sometime before the Important part. He was known to be quite fond of the song "Pokerface" by Lady Gaga. In his movies, as in real life, he was mind-numbingly talented in all things, could simultaneously vaporize, force persuade, and fall in love with anything and anyone, and caused the mass-extinction of several species of kath hound. At the end he turns out to be the most awesome Sith lord of the Old Republic.

Early Life[edit]

Sometime between five thousand years ago and the early 80's (records are rather sketchy on this point), Darth Revan was born to Coruscant-based film director George Lucas and his 15 year old daughter, Leia Organa-Amidala-Skywalker-Solo-Lucas. He grew up among the rolling fields and peaceful glens of his father's kath hound ranch. However things soon became strained between Lucas and his daughter, and Revan was sent to the very prestigious Jedi Academy of the Arts.
While attending classes at the JAA, Revan learned and mastered many skills in a wide variety of subjects. Including, but not limited to, lightsaber fighting, force mastery, starship piloting, ranged combat, swoop racing, exotic dancing, Advanced brooding, badassery, dealing with malcontent sidekicks, deep-sea diving, intermediate badassery 2, inter-species relations, computer hacking, demolitions, crossbow hunting, Kath hound slaughtering, cigar rolling, toilet manufacturing, glass-blowing, public relations, veterinary counseling, and several thousand other courses to specialized to be mentioned here. In addition to his cocaine-fueled, whirlwind course list, he somehow also learned over 40,000 languages. by the time he was six, he'd graduated JAA with over three million credits (slightly over the required amount).


Early Work[edit]

Most of Revan's early career was spent alternately appearing in community productions of shakespeare and begging for change in the space-subways. However, he did acquire some steady employment modeling tiki masks for various black-market clothing brands, such as jawaberry and Carthonasi and Sith. Although these modeling jobs didn't provide much exposure for him, he enjoyed them. Revan soon grew accustomed to these masks, and often wore his favorite, a novelty Iron-man mask, whenever in public.


Darth Revan's first big break came in the form of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (full title: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Neverwinter Nights 3: Curse of a Thousand Colons: Director's cut, or ST:KotOR:NwN3:CoaTC:DC, for short). It was here that Revan formed the racial awareness dance troupe, The Ivory-Ebony Hawks. And he would continue to teach inter-species lovin' by way of interpretive dance throughout his career. He also reunited with an old friend from the academy, Darth Malak (Born; Malak Jawless Jean-Luc Picard Zambini, circa 1881). They would develop a close bond throughout the production process.
The film would go on be a huge success, both commercially and critically. And would win numerous Golden Wookiees, including best holo-film, most arrogant producer, best overall setting, and least annoying comic relief character (Bender). unfortunately, Revan was not picked up for the sequel, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Neverwinter Nights 4: Even More of Those Zany Colons: Full length Edition: Hi-Def: Stereo Surround: The Final Chapter: Unrated Version: With Bonus Material, (ST:KotOR:NwN4:EMoTZC:FLE:HD:SS:TFC:UV:WBM). The role instead went to a busty broad by the name of-- who was cast because of her history of-- including --, --, and same sex marrige. -- was also especially suited to to the role because of her-- and large breasts. who The Producers cited variously his age, his complexion, his speech patterns, and that fucking mask he had on all the time, as reasons why they let him go. So, Revan did what any talented actor with two hugely successful films under his belt and years of highly specialized performance training would do: he joined the army.

Rise to Power, and Participation in the Republic-Mandalorian-Jedi-Sith-Klingon-Romulan-Autobot-Decepticon-Bloods-Crypts War[edit]

After being sacked by the studio heads at Bioware, Revan and his bestest bud Malak went down to the intergalactic recruitment office to apply for an application to participate in the recruitment acceptance program which would make available sign-up process so that they may, if successful, fill out a form that would allow them to be entered in to a raffle, the main prize being a lottery ticket. if it were a matching number (unlikely), it would in turn grant them permission to apply for an application to be accepted into the intergalactic recruitment acceptance program. The following is a transcript of how things went:

Recruiter: HI!

Revan: hello.

Recruiter: How can I help you today

Malak: we'd like to sign up for the intergalactic armed forces.

Recruiter: Okay, you're going to want to speak to a recruiter about that.

Revan: ...

Malak: ... What?

Recruiter: A recruiter. I'm sure you can find one around here somewh--

Revan: aren't you a recruiter?

Recruiter: heavens no! I haven't nearly enough schooling to be qualified for that.

Malak: your nameplate says recruiter on it.

Recruiter: no, no. Thats "I-H-A-T-E-Y-O-U"

Malak: what?

Revan: Oh my god! He Fooled us!

Recruiter: Hahaha and i'll get away with it!

  • The recruiter runs"

Malak: Oh, shit...He is faster than a 21 year old kenyan!

Revan: Get him!

Recruiter: You'll never catch me, I'm the ginger bread man!

Revan: I will catch you and i will eat you!

Recruiter: Nasty?


Recruiter: I will take your mother out to a nice seafood dinner! and never call her back!

Malak: You take that back! His mother is a beautiful woman!

Recruiter: Never!


Recruiter: I WILL NEVER!

Revan: THAT'S IT!

And then Revan and Malak chased after the recruiter for some two miles. They were running as fast as possible, but the kenyan man was just too good of a runner. But then, Revan realizes he can use the force, and pulls the recruiter towards him. As he starts to attack with his lightsaber the recruiter gives a blood curling yell and slaps revan accross the face. Revan demoralized yells You better not touch my mother! The recruiter just laughs and jogs away. Malak and Revan then attacked the republic blah blah. Years later, Revan is sitting at home with his fluffy cat, Charles, when he gets a phone call. He runs to the phone which is conveniently set between his two heroes, optimus prime and Hello kitty. He picks up the phone, his mother is on, and in a distressed tone she says, Revan something horrible has happened! Revan deep in his mind says "oh no..." and then she says, "There was this nice young boy that asked to take me out to a nice seafood dinner. I thought we had a wonderful time, and he said that he would call back...AND HE NEVER DID. His mother started bawling and revan hung up the phone. Revan retreats to his room and hangs himself from ceiling with a shoe lace, duct tape, and some gum. Words cut into his head saying, The recruiter wins again.

With tact, cunning, and dynamite, the two beautiful bastards rose up through the ranks of the crew. Having lost his jaw in an accident involving a squeegee and two pounds of lubricant, Malak was feared more than loved, and spent most of his time honing his sadistic tendencies on Grand Theft Auto, while Revan devoted most of his time to the far more Heinous Kingdom Hearts 2.

The Dark Side, the Light Side, and the Irrevocably damaged Space-Time Continuum[edit]

Star Wars: That Old Republic is set three hundred years after Revan's death. Yes death. He's gone and by extension, so are you because you play as him. Deal with it.