Darwin

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“Tamia is proof that evolution works in reverse, too”

“WE MUST WORESHIP DARWIN! HE'S A GOD!!!!!!”

“Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny”

~ Darwin on summarizing his life's work

“WTF!! That bastard stole my line!”

~ Ernst Haeckel the above quote
Charles Darwin (late life)
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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Charles Darwin.

St. Charles "Monkey's Uncle" Darwin , or the man who braggs that his grandfather was an Ape, was born as a tadpole in the Northern Territory, Australia, slowly becoming a frog, a squirrel, a monkey, and a Neanderthal, before dying as a person. He is largely known for his theory that men and rednecks have a common ancestor from 5 million years ago called Chimpmen. Even less controversially, he suggested that monkeys descended from brutish humanoids known as Homo erectus. Because of this, he is also known to be the starter of the war against religion and inspiring all atheists to choose him as the subject for their National History Day Project. Your welcome, Veronica. :)

A less commonly known fact is that he was one of the most famed aviators who ever flew the Earth. Since childhood, Darwin had a deep desire to fly with the birds. Darwin spent the entire first half of his life flying here and there, while giving lectures criticising Lamarckian Evolution. This made the incident where he inexplicably sprouted wings even more embarassing. Darwin and Lamarck debated through the night amalgamating their theories, reaching agreement after a funny incident involving dice and genitalia.

During his travels he encountered a great white cock which was proof of the missing penis. He thought this was quite sexy, and finding a great white cock is very rare, but then he snapped and then proceeded to murder the penis with his bare hands.ooo handjob The incident was never published for obvious reasons, as Darwin was considered a lover of animals (quite literally). He created the Theory of Evolution beacause he took a vacation in the Galopagos and woke up the next day next to a monkey. Natually, the created his theory to make everything okay.

While his scientific work dominated the rest of his life, he still found time to write The Descent of Man, a thrilling classic of Aviation literature describing a botched flight and a landing that went horribly wrong. It went on to sell forty thousand copies before being banned by the Catholic Church for containing detailed descriptions of how Christ and Mary Magdalene were a couple.He later rewrote his theory of Natural Selection to involve aliens, British Marines, and a really big Space Cow, before coding a mod for the game Half-Life. After his death, Charles Cleveland stole this code and became revered as the greatest coder of all time. There is also links that Charles Darwin had many contracts with the Nazis during the second world war, and had many children with Adolf Hitler after his sex-change operation.

"I'm a monkey's uncle!" - Chuck Darwin

Darwin is best known for his second book, Dance Dance Evolution, and of course for his piercings, of which he had accumulated 1821 by the end of his too-brief life. Some philosophers argue that this is the only reason for which he was also called "The Neighbour of the Beast", but others claim this moniker was actually conceived because of the aviator's work as a bouncer at Iron Maiden's first concerts, and his subsequent founding of Mayhem, a band somewhat less known than his theories came to be.

Late in his life he underwent a dramatic rethink of many of his theories, going so far as to retitle one of his books, "My Theory of How Women are Obviously Descended From Monkeys" to "My Theory of How Women are Obviously Descended from a Spare Rib". This change of direction was scorned by the scientific community and his last book, 'How Logic is a Bit Poo but When You Write Things Down in old-fashioned English They Become Truth, Verily' proved to many that he had finally lost his marbles. It is said that on his deathbed that he confessed that his last book, which supported Creationism over Evolution was in fact fiction, and he made it all up as a very clever Troll on the Pope as a Straw man fallacy to discredit the book of Genesis in the Bible, and stop the Pope from excommunicating him from the church. It, of course, didn't work, and the Pope claimed that Darwin renounced the theory of Evolution and his last and final book proves it.

Darwin had a very short music career, he joined The Traveling Wilburys with Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Roy Orbison, Frank Sinatra, Chuck Berry, Noel Coward and Pepino di Caprio. He composed Tweeter and the Monkey Man. Obviously the Monkey Man, is a reference to his Great Book There’s a Monkey inside you, don’t you know?

A lesser-known fact is that Charles Darwin also propounded the theory of Intelligent Design, which states that mankind was created by George W Bush. Sadly, what was intended as a light-hearted joke has been embraced by many as serious fact and is now a popular theory, especially among Merkins. The original meaning of Intelligent Design has been warped, but original fans failed to see the inherent humour within the title. 'Intelligent' was clearly intended as a facetious remark, as it is known that George Bush is so superhumanly mentally equipped that the word intelligent is not nearly enough to describe his prowess. he once say an ant give birth to an elephant. Darwin Awards

Line of Darwin[edit]

Two dinosaurs were doing battle one day. The victor, or the strongest of the two, won and therefore was allowed to mate with Captain Likalottapus' daughter, the goddess of the pot leaf and horney lesbianism. 36 months later, Darwin was born. Because he was so intelligent, his penis was larger than that of a normal baby. There was no such thing as surgical intervention in those days and so the goddess had to perform an emergency anal birth instead of the more frequent vaginal birth. Darwin was able to speak at the early age of 6 minutes and it is reported that his first words were "Give me my food, you fucking bitch!" which became a basis of his Natural Selection Theory, he then had sex with His Mum which helped him develop his Theory of Evolution after he took a long trip to the Galapagos Islands (Known as a dumping grounds for God's animal rejects that didn't work out too well in the rest of the world so the angels gathered them up and dumped them on those cursed Galapagos Islands according to Christian Fundamentalists) in which Darwin had bestial sex with many of the animals and drew pictures of them for his books. (Note this was before the photo camera was invented.)

Darwin's Finches[edit]

The finches are a group of rapidly evolving birds that live on a drifting garbage barge. The reason they so rapidly evolve is because they all want to become king of their floating-penis-pump, to such an extent that genocidal forms have developed, even though evolution resides highly on mutation after reproduction, so this thing has to have sex every 2 seconds. This is utter idiocy. A good example is Atticus Finch, a humanoid finch that attempted to kill a mockingbird (a.k.a finch version 3.0). Other forms have tried to kill two mockingbirds with one stone (the stone itself is a highly evolved finch). Darwin discovered that their ability to evolve penile tits daily satisfied his bestiality cravings (one species a night, no repeats). However, when they became sentient two days later, they took Darwin to the U.S.S.R. to perform an age-old cultural phenomenon.

Darwin's Finch
Darwin's Finch, two minutes later
Three minutes
Three and a half


Three and three-quarters
Three and four-fifths
Getting warmer
Almost there
Wilde: The highest form


Proof of Evolution[edit]

Darwin originally came up with the idea while guest starring in the Voyage With The Beagle, an XXX-rated daguerrotype that demonstrated the species barrier is actually much smaller than people commonly imagine. Darwin going by an alias of Charles Dawson, so people would not suspect he was peer reviewing his own work, discovered Piltdown Man by taking a medieval skull combined with a lower jaw from an orang-utan and teeth from a chimpanzee and threw it into a pit his men where digging up. Darwin brought in a beer keg, and while his men were getting drunk he combined the bones together, stained them with chromic acid and an iron solution to simulate old age and tossed it into the pit and covered it up with dirt and rocks. Then when they wanted to do the carbon dating he smashed up some rocks and said they were fossilised bones from the skull and it made it look like it was millions of years old. Finally Darwin was able to get his research grants approved with this proof of a missing link. It was so successful that Darwin did the same things with Nebraska Man, Java Man, Ocre Man, and Neanderthals by mixing skulls of primates and other animals, as long as he smashed up rocks that were millions of years old, and call them fossil fragments he was able to fool the carbon dating tests. This set the standard for modern Evolutionary Scientists who now use particle accelerators to age fossils that they created out of clay to resemble real fossils, and the radiation speeds up the half-life of carbon atoms so they look like they are really old. Then just discredit other theories as pseudo-science, and launch smear campaigns against the scientists who support other theories to discredit and disprove them. In between doing all of this Darwin was busy sucking the dick of many primates as a way to relax and get in tune with nature.

His other breakthrough would come just a few short years later. While giving in to human urges with his chimpanzee friends, Darwin noticed them eating hallucinogenic mushrooms and enjoying it thoroughly. Therefore, he had conclusive proof that we evolved from mushrooms. No one listened to him, so he devised an experiment in which he gave some crack to gorillas. The gorillas obviously evolved within a few days, as predicted by science, and became the first blacks. These people then erected the Republic of Africa, and the rest is (hilarious) history.

Darwin said SMD to the chimps and they happily oblidged, being high on hallucinogenic mushrooms, they enjoyed it thoroughly.

Afterlife[edit]

Darwin's body was found in a gay bar outside of Austin, Texas. He was found striped and raped, much blood was spurting out of his ass and mouth. It is assumed that he was brutally raped to death by Black Jesus. It is also known that Darwin's spirit lives on in the form of an elite imperial attack spaceturtle traversing the Sahara Desert every weekday, 9-5 EST

Rap career[edit]

Charles Darwin was also a rapper. His rap name was 'Chuck D.' He performed at Ye Olde Dance Club every Sunday nite at 8:00 PM–1:00 AM YOTZ (ye olde time zone)

Darwinism Proven False[edit]

The following text is Scientologian and therefore true Around 2300 A.D. (also known as the 146th episode, Season 6, by Federation date) Captain Jean Luc Picard discovered that all humanoid life forms were created when a single proto-humanoid species dispersed their genes throughout the quadrant. Picard seemed to have suggested that all life came from Intelligent Design and not Evolution because the proto-humanoid species, called Thetans, were lead to various planets by Xenu and then carried off by spaceships that looked like DC8's but without the propellers, and placed on the top of volcanoes and nuclear bombs went off that murdered the Thetans but sent their spirits free. That on an archaeology find he happened to uncover a book called Dianetics and he read it, and it showed him the truth. Picard went on to say that he didn't believe in psychiatry either, and refused to take his medication. He professed his love for Dr. Beverly Crusher by jumping up and down on Deanna Troi's couch. This of course is considered normal behavior for 24th century Star Ship Captains, as Captain James T. Kirk used to do it all of the time. Of course there were critics who asked Picard questions, but Picard snapped back and said "You don't know the history of evolution or psychiatry, but I do." and then had his lawyers sue his critics for libel and slander. Proving once and for all that Darwin's works are bunk. This, of course, happened before they discovered The Borg, and Captain Picard was converted to Borgology later, but lucky for him Tom Cruise used his super powers to free him from The Borg and convert him back to Scientology.

This particularly enraged Darwin the Romulans, the Cardassians, and Herr Hitler, who all considered themselves to be superior species based on Darwin's Evolutionary Theory. They consoled themselves in various ways. Darwin applied eugenics and neutered some Jews, Hitler gassed them, the Romulans banged up some Klingons, and the Cardassians polished their scales. They all felt much better, and all of a sudden vanquished into thin-air like this section of this article should, because it sucks so much... BIGOTRY SUCKS, SCIENCE IS REVISIONIST, CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG, CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS TEARING US ALL APART, END OF STORY!.

The Death and Return Of Darwin[edit]

Charles Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace planning to take over the world. Picture taken in 1940.

After escaping from his underground chamber, Darwin's most prominent foe, God, sought to do battle with Darwin. After first dealing with the Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles and Captain Planet, God strode to Bedford, where he called out the little whining c=cks-cker. Blow after blow, Darwin had to put God down for the sake of the monkey he loved. as the residents of bedford gathered round, both fighters realised their next punch would be their last.... Darwin called upon the powers of Castle Greyskull...and killed God. However, a terrible price was to be paid, and Darwin caught cancer, but died of from being brutally raped up the ass by Black Jesus. Three days later, God rose from the dead, which seems to be a bit of a trend that he also did when he was crucified by the Romans. Darwin's body, while still dead, continued to evolve and allowed him to gain the ability of reincarnation.

Two weeks later, four people claiming to be the New Darwin appeared under the guise of "Adolf Hitler". Little is known about what happened to him or where he went after that. Hitler might have been Darwin reincarnated, or at least have once piece of his soul. The New Darwin, named Adolf Hitler, blamed everything on his Jewish heritage, including his tiny penis, and tried to commit genocide on Jewish people and take over the world because of his flawed genetic traits, he was jelous that Jewish penis was bigger than his.

City of Darwin[edit]

“We could have done better, if it wasn't for those fucking chavs. God I hate chavs!”

~ Telford on it's epic failure as a city

“Nice place, but everyone tries to eat you or mate with you.”

~ Noel Coward on his 'sexpidition' down under


A few million years ago, some feces-flinging apes, thanks to their friendly neighborhood monolith, learned how to evolve into feces-flinging hominids. These ape-men realized that to further their development, they needed indoor plumbing; flinging shit being the closest thing to sewage disposal, in those days. They built a city where everyone was guaranteed a flushable shit-pot provided they evolved enough to deserve one. The rest were left to their own crap-throwing devices, and promptly devolved into chimps, cabbage and Republicans.

Charles Darwin's ship the HMS Beagle on display in Darwin. The ship made of beer cans, sailed into Darwin Harbour in 1839 on it's "Third Voyage"

The city of Darwin started as a single hut, gradually developing into a hamlet, a village, a town, and then a city. Competing with several upstarts like Atlantis and Tenochchitlan, it barely emerged from the evolutionary cesspool. Others were not so lucky. We all know what happened to Telford.

In it's prime, the city of Darwin boasted 300,000 fully evolved feces-flinging men elves hobbits and goblins. Everything went downhill after after the Pope's ban on evolution, with every single organism, including simple protozoa, devolving into primitive evangelicals. These creatures usually walk aimlessly in circles, devouring anyone who hasn't accepted Jesus (if in a pinch, they'll devour Dingos), and should never be approached without great caution. Jerry Falwell was especially pleased, as stealing money from these creatures was easier than stealing it from simple protozoa. Unlike evangelicals, protozoans do not mail their lifesavings to your doorstep, in neat little gift-wrapped packages.

Today, the city of Darwin is used as a large set for many zombie movies, but makes quite the picnic spot, as long as you make sure you're indoors before dark... the horror. Still better than Telford though.

See also[edit]