Date Movie 3

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  • Yet another chick flick for wise old hens
  • Why can't we get a decent tagline for this turkey?
  • Oh, there's one! A chick flick from a turkey!
  • Dude, that's lame
  • You're lame, asshole
Writers Karl Marx
Producer Josef Stalin
Director Gordon Brown
Runtime Eighty (80) minutes
Language English, Simple Idiot
Distributed by PBS
IMDb rating

Date Movie 3 is an awful 2012 Romantic comedy movie and an unintentional sequel to both the shameless Date Movie and the cringeworthy Date Movie 2. Due to complications over the production of a possible Date Movie 4, Date Movie 3 is perhaps the last of the ever-unpopular Date Movie franchise.

Plot (if there is one)[edit]

The scene opens in an office, where Q (Steven Spielberg) is asking Groucho Marx (Groucho Marx) to join the Date Movie team:

Q: Are you, Groucho Marx, willing to appear in Date Movie 3?

Groucho: What's in it for me, my good man?

Q: Fame, fortune and women.

Groucho: What about the money?

Q: You get $1 per word, OK?

Groucho: Yes, I agree. Yes, I agree, yes, I agree, yes, I agree. That'll be $12, please.

Q: You're a hard man to deal with, Mr. Marx.

Groucho: If the date's right, I can be a difficult woman to deal with.

The scene then shifts to London (that's in England), where Cedric Poofter (Tom Cruise), the son of Cyril and Hortense from Date Movie 2, is working as a quantity surveyor. He spends most of his days complaining about his lack of companionship.

Groucho: If he's got the clap, I'm not surprised he's so lonely.

Whilst out at a building site, Cedric is ordered by the site foreman, Nick Nicksucker (Jim Carrey), to examine some quick-drying cement that is past it's sell-by date. As he checks the bag of cement, he is overcome by the strong fumes and falls unconcious.

Groucho: I told him three-bean salad for lunch was a bad idea.

After a strange dream about Marmalade jars in space, Cedric comes around, and he finds himself in the arms of Ermine Stroclit (Paris Hilton), a female builder who operates heavy machinery. She and Cedric fall in love, finding that they've got so much in common.

Groucho: Yeah, they've both got two arms, two eyes, five toes on either foot...

As the two continue dating, they agree to go on a double-date with Nick and his girlfriend, Lucy Shyslut (Cream the Rabbit), and head off to Starbucks for a romantic evening out. During dinner, they engage in playful banter.

Groucho: Have you had any other girlfriends, Nick?

Nick: Not recently, no, but before Lucy, there used to be Maggie. Whoo! She was a hot one!

Groucho: Why, did she burn you?

Nick: No, just beware of bad women.

Cedric: My mother was a woman. She used to run a B&B.

Nick: B&B? What's that?

Cedric: Breakfast and Bugger off.

Groucho: Was Maggie a mother?

Nick: Frequently.

Groucho: So, who was the father?

Nick: The US Air Force.

Over her shoulder, Lucy points out a sly looking woman named Fanny Whorelicks (Naomi Campbell), who is spying on them disguised as a Nun. Lucy tells Ermine and the others that Fanny has a way of breaking up couples with one blow of her forked tongue. Making a bad move, the group leave Starbucks.

Groucho: So far, so good. That'll be $78, please.

The next morning, the group return to the building site to continue work and to cover for one another whilst they make out behind the tool sheds. Nick goes to meet the manager who is to be in charge of the finished building, only to find to his horror that Fanny is the manager(ess).

Fanny: Who the hell are you?

Groucho: If only I knew.

Nick: This is Groucho Marx. He's joined our crew for a few laughs.

Fanny: I didn't get this far for a clown to ruin my only acting role!

Groucho: Oh, my nose bleeds for you.

Nick: He means well, really.

Groucho: So did Hitler.

Fanny confronts Nick and Lucy, and tells them that they are both fired, even though Lucy actually works for Wikipedia rather than Whorelicks Enterprises, but Fanny stands her ground, and threatens legal action against the entire cast.

Groucho: Is she allowed to do that?

Q: If she's in the Film Actors Guild, she can.

Groucho: In that case, I'll bankrupt the film so that she'll never get a penny out of us!

Q: But you've only earned $126 so far.

Groucho: But I can make more than that. I can, I can, I can, and I will, I will, I will. You see! That's $23 more already!

Q: $149 from our $5,000,000 budget. Still quite a way to go.

Groucho: So is Antarctica, but I don't moan about it. That's another $11, please.

Q: $160...

Seeing his chance, Cedric challenges Fanny to a duel, in the style of his ancestors from Date Movie and Date Movie 2, to which Fanny accepts, and they choose nail guns at 10 paces.

The two open fire, and Fanny is instantly gunned down by the nerdy quantity surveyor, and Whorelicks Enterprises collapses with no leader. The foursome continue to have group sex on a daily basis, and Groucho buys up a new moustache comb from the $161 he pocketted from the movie.

Aftermath and Reception[edit]

The Date Movie trilogy had practically destroyed the idea of Romantic comedy films, and when Date Movie 3 aired in theatres worldwide, only a small handful paid out the high profit to see it, as they were largely idiots on benefits who made money from doing nothing.

The total gain for the movie was approximately $125,126,433,344,724,468,449,842,780,100,026,000,000 from it's $5,000,000 budget, making it a surprise hit despite the smearing from critics.

Date Movie 4[edit]

Writer Karl Marx had expressed enthusiasm for a possible Date Movie 4 at a Film Actors Guild conference in Antarctica, but at that time, the only rom-com left to spoof was Date Movie 3 itself, and no other studio was willing to make a chick flick just to satisfy a commie writer, and so the idea for Date Movie 4 was soon dropped, especially as the production crew had recently been massacred for their work on Cartoon Movie 3 by the Film Actors Guild in 2025.


Movies Spoofed[edit]

  • Fritz the Cat - Hard sex in the middle of a scrapyard (Bet you thought it was the bathtub scene again, huh?)
  • Slappy's Angels 3 - There's a poster for the island of Bongo Bongo in Ermine's bedroom
  • Space Jam - The product placement for Marmalade in open space


  • Although this movie tries to pretend that it's not connected to Date Movie and Date Movie 2, the characters quite obviously are.

  • Some of the shots show the clapperboard guy in the shot, because the editting guy was having a seizure at the time.

  • Paris Hilton is wearing a gag in some scenes because the director couldn't find any other way from stopping her doing crap ad-libs during filming.