Dave Benson-Phillips

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Dave showing off his 200 muscle filled lips at the International Lip Festval 1997

Dave Benson-Phillips (or DBP, Main Man BP, The BP meister, 'Cedric' Benson-Phillips, Dave British Petrolium)is a prolific game show host, musician and Michael Jackson impersonator.

Early life[edit]

Dave started off life in a small, peasant Ukranian farmstead. He was an only child, brought into the world by accident one lonely, sad 14th of January. His mother was a part time brain surgeon while his father was heavily involved in the Ukranian Mafia. To earn his stay in the house, Dave would regularly have to help out his mother and father in various operations/hits. As soon as he had enough money, he travelled to London to live a more substantial, healthier life with no added salt or saturated fat.

His rise to stardom[edit]

Dave quicky became involved in the "Shit tv presenter scene" when a small company known as CBBC (The Corporation of Bastards, Belgium and Cats) hired him to present a telivision show named Get your own back. The aim of the game was to give a child the opportunity to torture a family friend or relative for some trivial embarrasing thing they may have forced the child to go through in the past. The child had several choices of torture ranging from classic Iron Maidens to foreign Chinese Water Torture. The show was an instant hit with over a billion viewers for the first series. Another bonus was that Dave Benson-Phillips, who had presented the show throughout, had rapidly evolved 200 extra muscles in his lips due to his incessant shouting of the words "GUUUNGE!" and "GUUUNK DUUUNK!" The mutation also acted as a catalyst for his vocal cords allowing him to scream these specific words as loud as a jet engine at full power.

Dave also (in his early career) coined the phrase Today gay sex, tomorrow a gay orgy! after seeing several of the audience members on the show joining in the round Who can suck off dirty P.E teachers the fastest!, Dave quickly became the most well known Children's TV presenter for a company with the word "Cat" in its name for the mid ninties.

The downfall of Dave[edit]

An artist's impersonation of Dave Benson-Phillips, the Guantamano years.

His stardom would not last forever and what was his greatest achevement soon became his worst nightmare. Unfortunately, the game show was cancelled in its 5th series after Dave accidentally killed a small child and wounded 14 others while screaming "GET YOUR OWN BACK" to the audience a little too enthusiastically. One journalist reported the sound to be distinctly like "A nuclear bomb detonating in a bathroom". He was convicted and trialed for attempted murder of a city and thus sent to guantamano where he is assumed to be being held to this day. The last the public heard of him was that his vocal cords were removed for obvious reasons and 190 of the 200 muscles were removed from his lips for analysis.

Common belief has it that in his latter years, Dave became a drug addict and extreme potato eater. Due to his expanded lips, destroyed nose and supposed depositions of cellulite on his cheeks and neck, Dave now apparatly looks like a cross between Your Mom and a llama (although you could argue they look the same)

Inspiration in the media[edit]

Dave with his long term gay partner, Mr Fluff Bottom

Dave's awe inspiring lips were one of the main influences for the band "The flaming lips". They described his lips as "Like sex, but better". Also, Dave partially gave J.R.R.Tolkien the inspiration to write "The Lord of the Rings" Not because of his lips but more of the fact that he looks remarkably like a byzantine lord and he also has sphincters on his elbows.

The Movie[edit]

University Studios recently released a press statement saying their would be a Dave Benson-Phillips movie with Samuel L. Jackson playing the lovable TV presenter. It will be directed by unknown director Frank Suckmeoff who has directed many porn movies like Charlie's Anals. Dave wanted to play himself but was rejected because he was too stoned.

Playdays Controversies[edit]

Dave Benson-Phillips was also a presenter on the lovable pre-schools children programme, Playdays. The programme included these little animal creatures and a small rag doll called Peggy Patch. But due to this programme Phillips found himself in hot water after he admitted drink driving the playbus witout a license. He also admitted 2 counts of actual bodily harm when he bit into why bird's head when on drugs and admitted to swinging the cat creature around with her tail. Then he supposedly swung her into a river in which the cat nearly drowned. After doing these atrocius acts he then offered a three year old a drag of cannabis at the same time screaming so loudly it could be heard in Peru. There were also rumours of him being The Mystery Playdays Child Molester but these were according to Davy B's agent false allegations.

The Comeback[edit]

Dave announced that he was coming back to our TV screens in a new show called Dave Benson Phillips Saturday Night Stageshow Comedy Act Live from London's Hammersmith Apollo Theatre at 8 o'clock!! It was an instant hit on ITV1 in which Dave would do a host of standup challenges and fun games. For example he would recieve his script and do a challenge such as Davy B's Strip Tease Challenge or Dave's run into the audience naked while holding a crocodile!

The First Black Bond[edit]

On December 23rd 2006 Dave Benson Phillips was announced as the new James Bond. It's the first time a black man has played James Bond and the first film in which you see 007 actually change his appearance. OK it's a piss take of Doctor Who why don't you try better! . The film will be called Today Gay Sex, Tommorow a Gay Orgy after his most famous catchphrase.