Dave Matthews Band

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Dave fan from the mother land, listening to his iPod.

The Dave Matthews Band was formed in 1989 by bartender, college drop-out, Dave Matthews, and a group of homeless guys, hanging out in Charlottesville Virginia. They were all high as shit and came to the realization that if they all played random instruments to a crowd as stoned as they were for hours on end, they could make enough money for more weed. While the stoned college-age crowds did find the music enjoyable, they were unable to remember what it sounded like the day after and decided to tape-record the sets on low quality equipment and distribute them to other college-age hippies who spent all their money on drugs and couldn't afford tickets. The name Dave Matthews Band was named with foresight that the band’s fan base would be too lazy to say a proper band name, and simply refer to them as "Dave", you know, like they're fucking drinking buddies with the guy or something. The band is most commonly listened to after football practice, or while on drugs, due to the fact that they sound like shit when sober. Fans are also encouraged by Dave's false sense of earthiness, feeling that they are somehow contributing to Mother Earth by listening to his music. Fans have been even taught how tie-dye is the first step to a cleaner planet. Contrary to popular belief, DMB has only written two songs in their entire careers - "Ants Go Marching" and "The Weed Song". Every other song is a remixed, "jammed-out" version of one of the original two songs.


Who is in the Band?[edit]

  • Dave Matthews - (Guitar, Vocals, Funky Dance Moves) Dave's parents were Quaker Oats sales reps in South Africa when Dave was just a child. When Dave was still a little tot, his sister Jane put him into a basket she had made and floated it down the Nile River just as the rest of the family was getting eaten by a herd of rabid giraffes. Young Dave was soon found and picked up by Nelson Mandella's slave girl Lafawnduh. Soon after Uncle Nelson got sent to the slammer, Dave moved to America along with his stepbrother Nelson Jr. (“Nelly”), both with hopes of becoming rich musicians and having sex with people who don’t have AIDS. Dave has become the founder of the musical genre known as Frathouse Rock or "Pretend Rock" due to the fact that he has the ability to eminate music from his guitar but it does not rock. The best thing he has ever written was the screenplay to the smash hit film, "Jurassic Park" in 1992. Dave has made many TV and movie cameos always portraying a retard or a homo.
Boyd Tinsley Then
Boyd "Grinch" Tinsley Now
  • Boyd Tinsley – (Violin, Dreads, Bare Hairless Well Oiled Chest) Boyd Tinsley is the father of tennis greats Venus and Serena Williams. He joined the band after failing to defeat Arnold Schwarzenegger in the body building championship that determined the California gubernatorial election. It is widely known among fans that Boyd was born with three legs, one of which he hides beneath a jungle of giant pubic dreadlocks. In his spare time, he wrestles on WWE as "Booker T." Despite massive success with the band, Tinsley's true claim to fame was being the first man to circumnavigate the globe in 1518.
  • LeRoi Moore – (25 different Saxophones, Clarinet, Flute, Whistling Hookah, Rockin Sunglasses) LeRoi is the blind woodwindist who had a successful career appearing on the Simpsons as Bleeding Gums Murphy before joining DMB. He wears sunglasses during concerts to prevent the audience from seeing his lack of eyes (which he tragically lost in a dramatic re-enactment of King Lear). Recently LeRoi appeared in a commercial for the Honda Ridgeline and was paid an ungodly amount of blow. Roi is currently suffering from a severe case of death, but is expected to recover soon.
  • Stefan Lessard – (Bass, Skater Gear) Stefan was a bass prodigy who joined the band when he was only 13 years old because they allowed him to stay up past ten o’clock. He spends most of his time snowboarding, playing on Facebook and Twitter, and also having sex with minors. He survives strictly on a diet of Diet Mountain Dew, weed and Trix cereal.
  • Carter Beauford – (Drums, Cymbals, Chimes, Cowbell, mp3 player, Suprising High Feminine Vocals) Carter is a 4-armed ninja that once won a fight with Chuck Norris (Then the drummer of DMB), securing his place on the drum kit. During concerts, Carter chews bubble gum and sweats methamphetamine. When asked to comment on the success of the band he told us, “Bubbalicious UpsideChaHead!!!”. Off stage, Beauford is often mistaken for a 3-legged munchkin. When confronted with this fact, he'll kick your ass... keeping perfect rhythm the entire time.

Who is Not in the Band?[edit]

Rayshawn Ross


  • Tim Reynolds – Timmy is a 3'7" mute alien, best known for his groundbreaking use of guitar to disrupt monarch butterfly mating rituals. Tim Reynolds has just recently started touring with DMB after taking ten years off to do every imaginable drug available. He died of an overdose 4 years ago but still tours with DMB because nobody ever got around to telling him. Tim's drug addled brain cannot retain memories of events occurring more than seven seconds previous, and hence never plays the same thing twice. He also holds the world record for re-stringing his guitar using only his feet; during a live recording with Dave Matthews in April 2008 Tim almost broke this record without removing his shoes. Before the 2008 summer tour, Tim and Boyd got into a fight about who'll get more solos on the upcoming tour, thus the movie Alien vs. Predator 3 was produced.
  • Rashawn Ross – American Idol Season 2 winner that follows the band across the country for free. According to the band's bylaws, if they go more than 2 months without releasing a live CD, he gets to eat a band member (most recently Butch Taylor.) Rashawn recently failed to replace Jared as the spokesman for Subway, and succeeded in eating Jared in the process. Ross stated in a 2007 interview, "Midgets should have the right to vote."
  • Jeff Coffin - Jeff is a known vampire from a different band, called the Flecktones, who act as banjo god Bela Fleck's backing band when they perform shows in front of essentially the same fans as DMB. Jeff came in to play sax after LeRoi decided DMB was not, in fact, almost as good as a jazz gig. At its current rate of growth, Jeff's beard is slated to overtake Boyd's pubes in length by 2012. He is known for playing notes that are so high-pitched and squeaky, a flock of geese stampeded the stage during one of his solos, thinking it was a mating call. He is known to play multiple horns at once, causing all Native Americans to achieve orgasm.
  • Butch Taylor – Butch was a Gay robot connected to a keyboard that Stefan accidentally ordered off of eBay. He never got paid, but followed the band on tour hoping for a chance to appear on camera. Butch isn't in the band anymore, as in accordance to the band's bylaws drew the short straw and was eaten by Rashawn Ross after the band's failure to produce a live album in a 2 month span. Some say that on a dark, moonless night, you can still hear Butch scats, and extended, sleep inducing keyboard solos echoing from Rashawn's belly. Rashawn's belly is not pleased.
  • Peter Griesar – Ex-band member with severe scoliosis and facial deformities that lives in a belltower on the campus of Notre Dame University. His last appearance with the band came in 2006 when he appeared onstage wearing nothing but a trenchcoat. He did not play any music with the band, but only showed up to get a drumstick from Carter and alter the band’s setlist. His life story has been documented in the movie “Rudy”.

  • The Lovely Ladies - Three seemingly nameless African singers found at a Popeye's Chicken between tour stops. Despite the fact that they did not speak English, only weird vocalizations, they were allowed to tour with the band for 5 years much to the confusion of the fans, who didn't know if they were supposed to want to fuck them or not.

Discography[edit]

Albums[edit]

  • Remember To Think
  • Recently (I farted)
  • Under The Table From Drinking
  • #36, 34, 40, 41, 27, 108, 2 and 2/3
  • #420
  • Room for Squares
  • "The Shitty Glen Ballard Album that He had No Place Producing Because He Doesnt Understand the Band
  • Someone Busted My Stuff
  • Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! (For It)
  • The Drunkenest Night of our Fucking Lives - Currently in Production
  • Live Releases – Too numerous to count, but the latest, Live Trax '83, proves to be an instant classic featuring 6 songs that were on all of the previous live releases plus all of the classics from the Stand Up and Everyday albums. A "hyper rare" feature album is the band's Venezuelan release Grandes Exitos, with Hugo Chavez guesting on the thumb piano during the encore. It is rumored that during this performance, he sought the arrest of the Lovely Ladies on suspicion of drug trafficking, and consumption of grape drank, but they escaped before Venezuelan authorities could apprehend them. Their whereabouts to this day remain unknown, much to the delight and joy of the frat fan base.

Hit Singles[edit]

  • The Song That Jane Heard Once and Thought Was Ok
  • Whorehouse
  • "The Song That Boyd Solos In"
  • Crime and Treason
  • Rough Rider
  • Don’t Drink the Water we Dumped in Chicago
  • Proudest Mother
  • Ants Go Marching
  • Song that Jake Hates
  • The Space Between Your Thighs
  • Where Are You Going? (To The Bathroom)
  • Grandma
  • Noodlin'
  • Sleep to Cream Her
  • I'm On a Boat
  • Busted Nut
  • What Would Dave Say?
  • #69
  • Jimmy's Thing
  • "Captain Crunch"
  • Prancing Pansies
  • Dream to Sleep With Her
  • The Final Destination
  • Don't Burn The Penis
  • Hallucinating Hillbillies
  • Stay (Wasting Concert Time)
  • Grace Is Gone, and She Stole My Truck, The Bitch
  • Break Free (Out of My Vag)
  • The Stoner
  • Spork
  • Old Dirty Bill
  • (Way) Too Much (To drink/smoke)
  • Rain Delay
  • Noodlin' Reprise
  • Ampersand
  • Skworm(Squirm)
  • Funny The Way I Am
  • Baseball
  • Shake Me Like An Asshole
  • Out Of My Vagina
  • Alligator Hair Pie
  • Little Red Tampon
  • Se7en
  • Drop D(eez nuts)

History[edit]

1991-1993 LE (Lillywhite Era)[edit]

It all began while Dave was tending bar in Charlottesville, watching an alien from outer space named Tim Reynolds play with his band TR3. Realizing that he too wanted to drop out of school and join a band, Dave went on a pilgrimage to find Carter, who at the time was performing various miracles such as healing the sick and raising the dead. In his spare time, Carter also played drums. After sending out a host of archangels to all the corners of C-Ville, Dave and Carter discovered Stefan, LeRoi, Boyd, and Peter Griesar – who’s combination of bad keyboard and harmonica playing would later go on to inspire the 2000-era Bob Dylan.

The band immediately began a massive touring schedule, rotating back and forth between Trax and the Floodzone, as well as a multitude of unpaid gigs in the homes of friends and family. They also started writing new songs. Perhaps the most notable of this era is “All Along The Watchtower,” which became so popular that Jimi Hendrix traveled back in time to claim credit for it. Unfortunately, Bob Dylan discovered the plan and went even further back in time to steal what is considered by many to be DMB’s greatest song. Also in rotation was the song “Angel from Montgomery,” which Dave covered a couple of times but I can’t remember who originally played it.

Even in the early days, DMB allowed tapers to record their shows. These were mostly Phish fans who got so high that they got lost on the way to their concerts. DMB soon realized that they were missing out on significant revenue by letting other people record and sell their concerts, so they decided to release a live album of their own. Peter Griesar, whose religion forbade him to be in band that releases albums, was forced to quit. Despite the terrible loss of the 80’s-sounding keyboard and harmonica, DMB would go on to release a mostly live album called “Remember To Think.” The album sold thirty-four copies, mostly due to the nifty 3-D cover art.

1994-1996 LE (Lillywhite Era)[edit]

Recent excavations in the Holy Land have uncovered what appear to be repressed scriptures never included in modern biblical translations. In these chapters, it was foretold that the Messiah would be sent a mortal man to help spread the Truth throughout the world, or at least within the continental United States. This prophecy was fulfilled in 1994, when DMB was discovered by Steve Lillywhite – co-owner of the Outback Steakhouse franchise and also producer of a little known British band called You Too?

Lillywhite was very impressed with the band's ability jam out their songs, especially the infamous 10.19.93 show, where the band played an extended "Jimi Thing" for the full two-hour show. Lillywhite soon decided to become DMB's producer. The band went into the studio with Lillywhite and soon completed their first album, Under The Table From Drinking. Singles from the album include the radio hits “What Did I Say,” “The Ants Go Marching,” and “Spudnik.”

To promote their first album, DMB began touring throughout the United States. Notable performances include the 5.10.95 show where the band played the "Super Mario" theme song acoustic at Yoshi's in San Fransisco. Their increasing fame soon led to a world tour that included top venues in Senegal, Vietnam, Antarctica, and Iraq. Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was so moved by the band’s sell-out performance in Baghdad that he insisted on meeting the band backstage after the show. Hussein and Matthews' friendship would continue over the years.

Encouraged by their success, DMB returned to the studio in late 1995 to record their second album, "Too." Singles included “Enough Said,” a cover of Stevie Nicks' “Crash Into (read: Screw) Me,” “Billy’s Tripping,” and the "title track," “Too Much.” The 1996 summer tour continued to see the band's popularity grow, and the band began to start living a more luxurious lifestyle. Boyd began designing a line of customized tennis rackets made from his own [word deleted by John Ashcroft Morality Police]. Stefan was perhaps thrilled the most, as he was finally old enough not to be charged with underage drinking at the band's shows.

1997-2000 LE (Lillywhite Era)[edit]

Also known as the Golden Age, this period of four years was quite possibly the best time to be an American. Bill Clinton had saved the American economy, the X-Files was at the top of its game, and virtually no one had heard of John Mayer. Scientists have now determined that all of these things can be traced back to the Dave Matthews Band.

In late 1997, the band returned to the studio to complete a trilogy of albums that would later be referred to as the “Big Three.” Wanting to be sure the album was given an appropriate title, Carter used his divine powers to travel ten years into the future. When he returned, he insisted that the new record be called Before We Fuck Things Up. No one thought anything of it at the time.

LP3 went on to become not only DMB’s greatest album, but also the greatest album ever recorded by human kind. Singles included “Don’t Drink The Water – We Shit in It,” “Stay (Wasting Concert Time),” and “Crazy.”

The Winter 1998 tour is considered to be one of the most miraculous events in human history. Long time DMB collaborator Tim Reynolds was there. Butch “Call Me Daddy” Taylor also began guesting on the keyboards. Finally, fellow musicians from the band Béla Fleck and the Flecktones frequently guested on songs, including the popular 41, named after the number of minutes the song lasts when all members of the Flecktones are present. The tour ended on 12/16/98 in Chicago, when Jimi Hendrix rose from the dead to guest on “All Along The Watchtower.”

After yet another successful tour in 1999, the band returned to the studio a fourth time. Unfortunately, it was at this time the Sauron the Deceiver forged nine rings, which he gave to the CEOs of all the major record companies, enslaving them to his will. Dark days followed, which heavily affected Dave’s lyrics and songwriting. The head of RCA, enslaved to Sauron's will, sent a servant to poison the band against Lillywhite. DMB was deceived, and Lillywhite was banished from the studio, never to be seen outside of Outback Steakhouses again.

2001-2004 AL (After Lillywhite)[edit]

Throughout the 1990s, Satan had been keeping a close eye on Carter. He was worried that Carter’s gathering strength and popularity would be too much for him to overcome when the end times finally arrived. However, sensing the weakness caused by the Lillywhite sessions, Satan made his move.

Dave left C-Ville and headed to California to clear his head. One evening, after drinking way too much bourbon, he ran into a producer named Glen Ballard. The two continued drinking into the morning, by which point they were making reckless dares trying to one up the other. Ballard had just completed Dave’s dare to go walking though downtown LA wearing a Bush/Cheney shirt and was thinking of a way to beat Dave. So he said, “I bet you that you can’t write an album in less than an hour.” They immediately drove to Ballard’s studio, and lo and behold, in less than an hour Dave had written an entire album’s worth of songs.

The rest of the band was sent for, and by the time they arrived, Dave and Glen had already written everyone else’s parts. Carter, in particular, thought that this made him feel very professional. The album was named #36 in honor of the number of minutes Dave spent writing the songs. Singles included the title track “36,” as well as “(Oops) I Did It (Again),” and “The Space Between Your Thighs.” #36 also included the song "Fool To Think," which is notorious for being so bad that it is illegal in five states to discuss it and in two to even mention its name.

The release of #36 sent the American population, already upset about the fact that Bush just moved into the White House, into complete bedlam. Riots broke out across the country, there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth, and liberals began what would soon become a long list of needlessly blaming the Bush administration. DMB, realizing the chaos they had caused, chose to return to the studio to revisit the Lillywhite sessions songs. Their producer, Steve “not Lillywhite” Harris, did a superb job of pushing the record button, and within a few months time, Someone Busted My Stuff was ready.

The album was mostly old favorites from the 2000 tour, including singles “Gray Street” and “Grace Is Gone, and She Stole My Truck.” DMB also penned a new single, the ever-popular “Where Are You Going? (To The Bathroom).”

The band spent the next two years trying to put the Lillywhite sessions debacle behind them. Both Dave and Boyd released solo albums, although Dave was a bit bruised by the fact that Boyd’s sold more copies. Finally, the band came together to write new songs again. The 2004 summer tour was considered the beginning of second golden age by many DMB fans. Unfortunately, it was not to be.

2005-2008 AL (After Lillywhite)[edit]

Sensing that the band was about to recover from his evil machinations, Satan redoubled his efforts to defeat Carter. Once again, he sent his servant Glen Ballard to poison the band. To deceive Carter, Ballard changed his name to Mark Batson and underwent a surgical procedure referred to as a “reverse Michael Jackson.”

In this new form, Batson was able to convince the members of DMB into selecting him as the producer for the followup to Someone Busted My Stuff. Batson forced the band to follow a strict regimen of long hours and hard work, with few interruptions for eating, drinking or any other form of relaxation. By the end of the sessions, the band discovered to their wonder that they had crafted some of the most musically complex and lyrically stunning songs of their entire career. They happily discarded most of the drivel they had been working on in 2004 and soon released Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! (For It) in 2005.

Unfortunately, after the haze from Batson's bong abated, the band discovered that each song consisted of no more than ten words, repeated over and over again for several minutes. Perhaps greatest of all, Carter had at some point gotten lost on the way to the studio, and Batson had quickly replaced him with one of Thom Yorke's drum machines.

Dark days were ahead for fans of Dave Matthews Band, but 2006 seemed to bring new hope. Inspired by the Democrats' dramatic victory over the Congressional Republicans, in which progressives in the House and Senate refused to capitulated to Bush's new demands while valiantly working day and night to undue to damage of the past six years, DMB became hopeful once more. With new songs like "The Idea Of You... Out of Office," "Kill The King" --> "With A Shotgun," "Break Free from Foreign Oil" and "Can't Stop (An Ode to Barack Obama)" DMB was the hit of the summer. Fortunately, they were high-minded enough to steer clear of politics. Furthermore, the band was joined on the road by trumpet player Rashawn Ross, who got the gig after winning a pie-eating contest in Atlanta. Ross soon won over his new bandmates by eating the infamous "Trench Coat Man" of Charlottesville, VA.

As plans for the new album got underway, the band suddenly remembered that there were other continents in addition to North America. Plans were immediately put in place to book a world tour. Over the course of early 2007, the band would headline sell-out concerts in Sudan, the Philippines, and a very special benefit concert in Waziristan to help raise money for the DNC. After returning to the states, the band continued to debut new songs, including "#134," "Porn Bread," "Shaft Goes To Africa," and "A Dream So Real (A Second Ode to Barack Obama)."

2008 began with Butch Taylor betting his place on stage that Hillary Clinton would win the Democratic nomination. Soon it became apparent that a replacement would be required. Fortunately, with Tim Reynolds in the solar system due to rumors of a second X-Files film, Dave called upon his old friend to fill the void. After working for two and a half years on their upcoming release, What New Album, the band is currently on tour across the United States, smoking weed.

The Cincinnati "Halloween Poop Fiasco" of 2008

Cincinnati, Ohio's Riverbend Music Center was the sight for the Halloween Poop Fiasco of 2008. After fan demands for Halloween were denied and Everyday began, 1000's of "diehard" fans headed for the beer lines and restrooms. While standing in line or shitting, fans heard a strange power exuding from Carter's drum set and then something that sounded like... Halloween. The initial screams were heard from the stalls and more than 3000 people (some, shit spraying from their asses) stampeded back toward the stage.

2009 WC (With Cavallo)[edit]

In 2009 the band went into the studio to record their new album "Stan's Holiday". Songs from the upcoming LP will feature classics such as "SKwormin'", "Livin' On a Prayer" and "This Shit is Bananas". The Band also plans to release an EP with studio versions of live songs such as "Rain Delay" and "People and Raptors" which will most likely get pushed into 2011 along with the band's album. Cavallo could not be contacted because he was busy watching the New Orleans Hornets trounce all over LeBron's "crab dribble".

The DMB Fanbase[edit]

DMB fans belong to the “I Must Wear Abercrombie” genus of the “Here To Get Wasted” family of music fans. An evolutionary splinter genus, known as the “Popped Collars,” has also entered the fanbase through drunken sex inbreeding.

The fanbase originated in Charlottesville, VA. Scientists have recently uncovered film of the fanbase in its earliest stages. DMB fans in the footage appear to be white, have questionable fashion sense, and have some of the worst dancing skills ever recorded. The videos have been uploaded to YouTube for further analysis.

As the band’s popularity grew, the fanbase evolved into two distinct species: the casual fans and the hardcores.

The Casual Fans[edit]

Today, casual fans make up approximately 99.99999% of the total DMB fanbase. They are proud of their in-depth knowledge of the band. Most casual fans are able to identify Dave Matthews as the leader of DMB, and that the band’s greatest song is clearly “The Space Between Your Thighs.”

The average concert-going experience for a casual fans generally follows this pattern: They descend upon concert venues like packs of crazed orangutans, clogging up the service roads for miles with their SUVs and requisite Obama ’08 bumper stickers, and blaring DMB music as loud as their speakers will go. Arriving as soon as the amphitheatre opens its parking lots, the casual fans will spend the next few hours in the hot sun, drinking large amounts of beer and rotating between games of flag football, frisbee, and hacky sack. There are also large amounts of cannabis that are passed around to any and all.

High school students are perhaps the most devoted of DMB’s casual fans. In a special on location report with Larry King, fans at last year’s Alpine Valley Music Theatre show were asked why they were attending the concert. “I’m here to get FUCKED UP!” shouted one fan, who then performed a keg stand for the cameras. “Everyone in my class is here,” explained another young man, “and we’re gonna get so high.” However, it was not all because of the party scene. When Mr. King asked the question to a group of thirteen-year-old girls, they were most emphatic. “Because Dave is so fucking hot!” they all shouted.

Approximately 30% of the casual fans never actually make it into the venue – either passing out next to their vehicles or being driven to the nearest hospital for alcohol poisoning. Of those remaining, at least half will be so intoxicated that they will have no memory of the actual show. Regardless, they will all claim that going to “Dave” was the best night of their summer. Many casual fans of DMB get very excited when they burst into a hour long piccalo or violen solo.

The Hardcore Fans[edit]

The hardcore fans of the Dave Matthews Band have the weight of the world on their shoulders. They are burdened with the knowledge that they alone know exactly how bad the band sucks now. Despite making up only 0.00001% of the fans at any given concert, the will proudly display their love for the band by sitting down during “Old Dirty Road” and yelling obscenities at anyone who doesn’t seem to understand the greatness that is “The Dreaming Tree.”

Pointless online battles regarding the best venue DMB has ever played at is also a favorite hobby of the hardcores. These discussions usually include debates filled with statistics such as: the number of douches per capita attending, best view, the rarity value of songs played (which are quickly consulted and confirmed via the DMBAlmanac) and, most importantly, the ratio of girls wearing Abercrombie to the number of males not wearing a combination of Abercrombie and aviators.

Hardcores are, according to their own judgment, “the shit.” They have devoted years of their lives to trading and downloading shows, so that one day they might be able to tell potential girlfriends that they have every single DMB, D&T, D&F, and DM Solo show ever recorded. They are also highly regarded for their encyclopedic knowledge. Don’t ever try to tell a hardcore that Béla Fleck first guested with DMB on 12.27.96. Don’t you know that it was 12.28.96, dumbass?

A key component to being a hardcore DMB fan is knowing the difference between good music and bad music. In fact, this is very simple. Anything the band wrote between 1991 and 2000 (and the 2004 songs) is good music, while virtually everything written after 2001 is bad music. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong, and has no taste in music.

The Internet gave rise to several websites devoted to bitching about the band. During the early years of the ‘00s, a enormous Internet war was waged between the various message boards. However, as soon as TheAntsGoMarching.org began to offer free beer, rival websites began collapsing left and right. Ants now reigns supreme over all other DMB fan sites. It offers users the opportunity to check out the latest news of what the band is doing wrong in the studio (most of which is determined by spinning the famous AntsGoMarching wheel of half-truths), song stats so that you can show your friends what percentage of your shows have been ruined by Everyday and Stand Up tunes, and a message board where members can discuss all things Radiohead (as well as perpetually wish some guy called Gary! a belated happy birthday). The people who run Ants are the shit, and you would be a fool to think otherwise.

Also, you're not a hardcore fan unless you use acronyms for songs/albums by the band. For examples, DMB (another acronym) fans call the song The Best of Around BOA, like the snake, because they're too lazy to type out the whole song title. Even songs that have short song titles need an acronym. Example: Jimi Thing (known as JT by hardcore fans).

Stan the Man The title of Greatest DMB Fan Ever is currently held by Stan the Man. Stan received his title in early 2009, after a daring operation in which he infiltrated the band's recording sessions for the upcoming release, What New Album. On the night of February 8th, Stan arrived at the band's recording studio, located in a top-secret compound guarded by CIA paramilitaries. Stan successfully evaded the guards, defeated a mountain lion that Cavallo used to guard the inner perimeter, and was able to outsmart a sphinx that blocked the entrance to the control room. There, he pushed the record button, grabbed Dave's guitar, and played Crazy-Easy, in the hopes that it would make it as the album's first single. He then departed, leaving no trace of his presence other than some tickets to a Hornets game.

Live D&T[edit]

These events take no more planning than Tim calling up Dave and saying "Let's Jam, I'm broke". Depending on how broke, they will make an informed decision on whether to release a CD or DVD for the show.

Upon these tours D&T has released 2 albums:

CD - Best Acoustic Shit You've Never Heard @ LC - Released 1999

==[edit]

CD/DVD - Not quite as good as UMass @ RCMH - Release 2007

Live David Matthews Band[edit]

Soundcheck[edit]

For years now, hardcore fans (more info below or at your local Jeep dealership) have been treating themselves to the band's souncheck by standing outside the venue to listen a few hours before the 8:05pm (8:35pm) show. This gives them a chance to hear what new songs/old debuts the band might be playing at the show. The soundcheck's only purpose is for the band to practice these songs so they can be perfect for the actual show. This process has been deemed rather ineffective, however, as Dave still fucks up the lyrics to every song that he sings (with the exception of American Baby's Intro which uses only five words). To this day, it is still a great mystery amongst fans as to why DMB plays their hit song Too Much at every soundcheck of the tour. However it is believed that the producers of the hit TV show Cheaters will help solve the mystery with a hidden camera setup during the band's 3 night stand at the Playboy Mansion on 24-26 August, and also conclusively confirm or deny the rumors over Dave's sexuality.

There have been a number of songs that have been soundchecked over the years that have never made it to the live setting. Dreaming Of My Father - a song that appeared on the Everyday album - was soundchecked once back in 2001, but proved to be too difficult because Dave cannot rap. The song remains the only song released on an album that has never been played live.

Another song that has been in the soundcheck stages for years is a tune called Noodling. According to hardcore fans, the song changes drastically every soundcheck. Many believe the reason why Noodling has not seen the light of day is because the lack of tempo and key.

Live Trax[edit]

After realizing the success of the band's live performance, the band's managment - Crayola Crap$haw and Red Light District - decided it was time to profit even more. On November 2, 2004, the first Live Trax Volume was released on the band's web blog. This live album was taken from a show off the famous 1998 winter tour. According to fans, this show is one of the best in DMB's history. It features songs such as C-Cup, and Anyone Seen The Bridge? (Over the River Kwanzaa). The album also features the fan favorite #41 with Bela Fleck and a "Sojourn of Ayhee" interpolation. Since the release of Live Trax Vol. 1, the band has put out 106 more Live Trax CDs from shows that were just as great because they were at marquee venues. 3 of these (Live Trax 25, 59 and 72) are exactly the same show, that being Stefan's castration in New Mexico on March 27 1997. When asked why this was the case by a Senate inquiry, Crap$haw was recorded as answering "because you touch yourself at night", at which point Hillary Clinton was quoted as exclaiming "It's true!!! Bill hasn't done that to me since the first Inauguration Day!" This sparked a Senate Inquiry of its own.

Death of the band[edit]

Because Tim is an alien, we already know how everyone will die.

  • Dave Matthews

During a solo acoustic show played for paraplegics, Dave broke into "Stand Up(For It)". It is still unknown whether the paraplegics killed Dave because they felt he was insulting them, or that the song was just shit. Many "hardcore fans" assume it is the latter.

  • Boyd Tinsley

Boyd never dies because he is an indestructible force. At the age of 157, many thought he would die of influenza... but his abs were able to deflect the sickness. He does however, lose his stunningly good looking dreads.

  • LeRoi Moore
  • Stefan Lessard

Stefan was still in high school when Soviet Russia invaded the U.S. He got very confused about the Soviet saying "In Soviet Russia, homework does you." Stefan took this as an easy way to get through high school and did not realize that indeed the homework does not do you and that people in Soviet Russia get killed for not doing their homework. Stefans last face book entry was 5/10/2034 where he posted the blog "OMGZZZ NU HIP HOP ALBUM"

  • Carter Beauford

The Judaic Prophecy that Carter was the new messiah did in fact come true. But he was also meant to be a Martyr. When he then learned that Martyrs do not get to chew all the Bubbalicious they want and that they must die, he refused to be the messiah. He was later forced as the Martyr. He is now worshiped in 5 continents.

  • Tim Reynolds

He actually died 4 years ago, but nobody told him or his guitar

  • Butch Taylor

As if being eaten by Rashawn Ross wasn't bad enough (Ross reportedly thought Butch was a candy), Butch is rumored to have been stoned to death at a gay pride parade after fans couldn't take any more of a 14 minute piano solo during a DMB cover band's rendition of Recently (I Boned A Guy).

  • Rashawn Ross

Was put on death row when he killed a man who said the Baconator was overrated.

  • Peter Greisar

Whereabouts, after disrupting an Umphrey's McGee show where DMB guested, are not known.