David Blaine

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“For my next act I will be the only magician ever to get laid”

“OMG! its daviExample.jpgd blaine!.”

~ sum White Kid on David Blaine

“WOW! Fuck! Oh my God! Did you see that? Oh fucking God!”

~ sum Black Woman in the street on seeing David Blaine do something a six year old could explain

“NO way! {covers mouth in amazement} Oh my fucking God!”

~ Black Woman's friend on seeing the same thing

“Everytime I think of David Blaine I queef.”

~ some random Asian Kid on David Blaine or things that make asians queef

“ur mom!.”

~ Asian kid on White kids mom

“STFU BOTH OF U GUYS.”

~ Oscar Wilde on two arguing kids

“Lol”

~ Jam on toast

“Twaa!”

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about David Blaine.
David Blaine (right) complained of numerous side effects during his recent underwater record attempt.

David Arthur "Killer Kane" Blaine is a British magician and musician who was br0n and raised in New York City and was infamous for his collection of dolls, many of which were purchased at the legendary Village 38 Schwarz toy store in lower-middle uptown Manhattan. He is said to be the inspiration behind the Fagat Food Guide four star rated Blaine's Papaya, a place where people order hot dogs the way a true New Yorker would like them, with the frankfurter actually inside of the bun. California Dogs are known for the frank being split the long way, and the bun being pressed inside. The California Dog was made popular during a pivotal scene in the movie Electric Shades of Grey, aka The Psychedelic Priest. During that scene, a young priest sliced a frank the long way and peeled it apart with his fingers. He then squished a bun inside of the split frank, and pressed it together. He then compared the newly created dish to many forms of religion that exist in the world, notably Catholicism, Judaism, and Atheism. It is believed the frankfurter itself was a Ballprak Frank (not to be confused with a Ballpark Frank). While Ballpark Franks plump when you cook them, Ballprak Franks actually get smaller. This comes in handy when the consumer does not wish to indulge in too many calories from their food, often when they are enjoying a night of strong beers served in plastic cups. There is a new wave of fan who refers to David Blaine as David Blaine Gretzky because he is annoying like Canadians typically are, and they would like to hit him with a hockey stick.

He got his start in the magician career when his name was mixed up and accidentally put into Adam Sandler's Chanukkah song. This is how many people have gotten their start, including Lenny Kravitz, Bob Dylan, and Walt Disney. Although being considered a criminal in 13 states, after being sued numerous times by Evan Ferguson and Peter Peszynski, he is still seriously a great magician. He has more tricks up his sleeve in one night than a hooker does in her entire career.

Other tricks of his include:

  • Once ate his own head
  • Being lifted up on two pieces of wire and pretending to fly
  • Making a pen look like it's made of rubber
  • Making it look like he's putting a pencil up his nose
  • Making clouds move by staring at them
  • Making the colours red and blue go together
  • Cutting an assistant in half, then reassembling the pieces
  • Cutting himself in half, then reassembling the pieces
  • Standing up for a long time
  • Sitting in a box
  • Eating a ham and cheese sandwich
  • Fornicating with a household sponge
  • Killing flies using only his infamous "Magnum" pose
  • Eating his own head
  • Having sex with Paris Hilton. Then again, who hasn't
  • Killing a yak from two hundred yards away with mind bullets
  • Making a balloon levitate using only a common hair dryer
  • Assuming the form of a teaspoon
  • Performing surgery on himself
  • Flying into windshields
  • Memorizing every word in the entire first series of LOST
  • Hypnotising models and making them have sex with him
  • Being both black and white at the same time
  • Balancing a hat on his head
  • Eating food
  • Winning every game of connect four that he enters
  • making gay people say "WHAT THE EFF"???
  • Being older than people younger than him.
  • Eating a raisin without once using his feet or ears.
  • Shitting himself
  • Inventing the phrase "Lol"
  • Making his penis extend to random lengths
  • Making women smile
  • Making women cry
  • Starving
  • Jumping off skyscrapers, usually without dying
  • Visiting London
  • Lying without people finding out
  • Molesting children
  • Watching Jessica Alba's ass
  • Using his hair for bad and evil things. See Satan
  • Being more serious than himself
  • Telling the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
  • Making a subway train move without touching it
  • Magically lifting an elevator in a shopping mall (No setup! No wires!)
  • Creating the "Done, Blaine" shootings!
  • Actually NOT watching Jesicca Alba's ass
  • He's always on fire. And what's even cleverer than that, the fact that he neither looks, smells nor feels on fire is a brilliant illusion
  • Having hot coals walk over him
  • Being dead and fooling everyone that he's alive
  • Owning this guy at Warcraft
  • Making a snake eat a bear
  • Comparing his three-pronged demon tail to Oprah's
  • Beating Germans at beer chug contests
  • Killing Wolf Blitzer
  • Pwning n00bz
  • Making toast without cooking oil
  • Rushing the spl0iter
  • Loitering
  • Masturbating
  • Playing in Traffic
  • Giving the appearance that he doesnt like men
  • Being able to lick his own nipple
  • Being able to lick his own elbow
  • Spontaneous Combustion
  • Running at moderate speeds
  • Making 5 minute noodles in 4 minutes and 34 seconds
  • Eating said noodles
  • Watching Two Girls One Cup and getting aroused

He also has a ventriliquist's dummy named Hugo, that can sit endlessly for hours. Many people have been amazed by this spectacular feat of endurance.

Many of his "magic" tricks are not really magical at all. For example, Blaine has been seen levitating; however, scientists have revealed that widespread dislike of Blaine causes Earth to emit temporary anti-gravitational fields around him, effectively repelling him away from the planet.

David Blaine has announced that when he dies, he plans to do his own autopsy.


Magic Powers[edit]

While Blaine's "magical" abilities have been researched and discussed amongst even the most intelligent scholars, there has been no real evidence to prove whether or not he possesses true other-worldly abilities. In 1999, a young woman came forward and made an official statement that Blaine, while intoxicated with the young lady in a motel room, revealed to her that his "magic" was, well, bunk.

"Bunk as hell," exclaimed Blaine to the drunken woman. When she attempted to ask what "bunk" meant, Blaine threw his arms into the air declaring, "With your question, I shall summon forth the great demon, Bjourllocke, to demonstrate my true power!" Blaine's outburst caused him to squeeze a big fat dump out of his ass at which Blaine giggled at, and then passed out. To this day, no one knows exactly whom this dump made the official statement to. The mystery of David Blaine lives on.

See also Blaintology