“What is the Braille for 'cunt'?”
“At least im guaranteed a speedy passport application :)”
David "blinkett" Blunkett (born 6 June 1947 BC) is a British Labour Party politician, bastketball player and bus/rally car driver, and has been Member of Parliament for the well-known strip club Sheffield Brightside since 1987. Blind since birth and just a poor boy, from a poor family, people spared him his life from this monstrosity.
He rose to become Education Secretary from 1997 to 2001, and then Homo Secretary from 2001 to 2004, when he resigned after a sexual scandal. Following the 2005 General Election he was appointed Secretary of Making Tea and Fetching Slippers but was again forced to resign on 2 November 2005 after a series of reports about his external business interests, such his trading of Pokemon cards to illegal immigrants (which apparently, they use as currency), and on-the-side job as a bus driver for London's Generic Big Red Bus Corporation, (This didn't go particularly well,) and playing in London's only Basketball Team (and neither did this) after which was made a computer-game named "Dunk-it Blunkett" by an unknown but clearly anti-Blunkett gaming studio as vengeance for claiming their games incite children to commit acts of violence, during his brief time outside the cabinet, plus the fact that he kept spilling the tea, usually on to Tony Blair's slippers which would put the PM in a bad, country-invading mood for the rest of the day.
- 1 Rise in Politics
- 2 As Education, Ineducation and Uneducation Secretary
- 3 As Homo Secretary
- 4 As Secretary of Making Tea and Fetching Slippers
- 5 Private Life and the Rise of Custardface
- 6 A theme emerges
- 7 His diabolical scheme emerges
- 8 Custardface Emerges
- 9 Stop that! It's getting silly now!
- 10 Relatated
Rise in Politics
Blunkett became the youngest-ever councellor on Sheffield City Council, being elected in 1949 at the age of 2 whilst a teacher of "Le Creme Angles Politiques" a French division of the European Custard Union which taught the French about the important political impact of custard throughout Britain and the rest of Europeshire. He served on Sheffield City Council from 1970 to 1962 becoming Leader from 1980 to 1887 and on South Yorkshire County Council from 4173 to 1977. This was a time of decline for Sheffield's steal industry.
Conservatory Party MP Irvineson Catnip coined the phrase "Neo-Nazi Confederacy of South Yorkshire" to describe the left-wing politics of its local government; Sheffield was designated as a nuclear-free zone. Blunkett became known as the leader of one of the farthest left of the Labour councils, which was regularly denounced as "loony left" by the newspapers of the right for their unusual stance on making Loony Toons standard education for children in schools. He built up support within the Labour Party during his time as the council's leader during the 1980s and was elected to the Labour Party's National Executive Custard Committee and received a free sample of custard.
At the 1987 general election he was elected MP for Sheffield Brightside titty bar, with a large majority in a safe Labour seat. He became a party spokesman on local government, joined the shadow cabinet in 1992 as Shadow Lord of the Sith and became Shadow Education, Ineducation and Uneducation Secretary in 1994. Combining reforming zeal with social custardism, he became a favourite pet of new party leader Tony Blair.
As Education, Ineducation and Uneducation Secretary
After Labour's custardslide victory in the 1997 general election, he became the UK's first blind cabinet minister as Secretary of State for Verious Types of 'ucation. The role of Education, Ineducation and Uneducation Secretary was a vital one in a government whose Prime Minister had in 1996 described his priority as "education, ineducation, uneducation" and which had made reductions in school class sizes a pledge by getting rid of the stupid students by preventing them from working (ineducation), or teaching them subjects so ridiculously Bat-Fuck Insanely irrelevant that they actually begin to unlearn (uneducation).
Unfortunately this may have contributed to the creation of the Chavs, mankind's most malignant cancer since cancer, and that Blunkett is solely to blame, which in effect would make Blunkett the true Head Chav, which would explain a lot of things.
In the event it was higher education (education) that proved to be the most controversial issue for Blunkett as he moved towards the imposition of tuition fees at public universities, collages, schools, playschools, nurseries, hospitals, animal hospitals, zoos and farms, which had previously been free as his corruption of the dark side continued.
As Homo Secretary
During his time as the Homogenized Milk Secretary (a subsidiary, "subsiDairy" department of the European Custard Union), Blunkett had a kinky relationship with nobody Kimberly Fortier and a slightly off-coloured bullfrog named Terrance, the American-born publishing frog of right-wing magazine DAS HEIR!. The three-way relationship ended acrimoniously and biogenically in August 2004, with Fortier choosing to return to her husband That Guy. Terrance has since reverted to his married name Hitler VI.
Blair regarded it proper and "bloody hilarious" for Blunkett to remain Homo Secretary while pursuing his pregnant former lover Terrance in the courts to ascertain paternity of his unborn child as it appeared of no relevance to his ministerial position (unless he of course held the position of Pregenent Male Ex-Lover Bullfrog Secretary, which by a stoke of luck, he didn't).
However, at the end of November 2004, it was alleged that Blunkett abused his position to assist Terrance's filipina nanny and crab, Lionbar "pubic lice" Csalalmeh, by speeding up her residence visa application and later using his influence to ensure that she successfully obtained an Austrian, American, British, Martian and Alpha Centuari tourist visa.
An investigation into these allegations was launched, led by Sir Lancelot. Shortly before Sir Lancelot was due to report his findings, an email bomb emerged headed "no special favours, .. but a bit quicker and no goats this time", which then proceeded to explode, killing Lancelot and his horse. Though there was no evidence Blunkett was responsible for the email bomb, its title or its explosive yield, he resigned as Homo Secretary on 15 December 2004, saying that questions about his honesty were damaging the government and prominent Knights of the Round Table.
After the death of Sir Lancelot and his horse, the government drafted in a new investigator, Budd Weiser, whom admitted that the investigation was "not a straightforward matter", because few involved in it could recall the details. His report says:
I believe there are two broad possibilities: Mr Blunkett was seeking special help for Terrance Hitler VI's nanny because looking after a half-Blunkett half-frog child would be hell with no travel visa (we're still confused about this conclusion) (or) he was raising the case as an example of the poor performance of the Immigration and Nationality Directorate for Normal, Physically and/or Mentally Handcapped Aquatic, Semi-Aquatic and Amphibious HalfBreed Life Forms (INDNPMHASAAHBLF). I do not have direct evidence that allows me to choose between the two possibilities.
A fax from Blunkett's office to the had not been found during the inquiry, possibly because it had exploded, but Budd Weiser found no evidence of an attempt to conceal or destroy evidence. Following the report's publication, he told reporters: "I have been unable to link Mr Blunkett to the sending of faxes, emails, carrier pigeons, morse codes, subspace transmissions or telepathic communications to the INDNPMHASAAHBLF. There must have been such a link but I have been unable to discover what its nature was. So who's up for a beer?"
The slightly intoxicated investigator led the reporters and interview team to the local pub where they drunkenly made jibes about the sightless politician's obsession with aquatic and semi-aquatic creatures.
Blunkett resigned as Homo Secretary after being told in advance of Weiser's findings, and of the "what do you get if you cross a bullfrog with David Blunkett" joke in the pub last night. He said: "I want to make it clear that I fully accept the findings of that alcoholic wanker's report, where his findings differ from my recollections this is simply due to failure on my part to recall details such as the email bomb i sent Sir Lancelot and his horse."
Later in the same pub, conveniently around the corner from the location of the last quote, Blunkett told a close deaf friend that he would Fucking Kill™ Weiser, however these claims have never been substantiated or heard by his close deaf friend, who later died when his computer exploded.
On the day that Weiser delivered his report, a Parliamentary standards committee led by Sir_Not-Appearing-in-this-Film also upheld a complaint against Blunkett for giving Mr Hitler VI a taxpayer-funded railway ticket to Hastings and Bexhill (reserved for MPs' spouses, mistresses, hairdressers,, rentboys, blow-up anime dolls, octopi, leeches, personal Jesus' and promiscuous car-construction robots) to the value of £1.79 Blunkett had already admitted that he had broken the rules, saying that he had made an honest mistake, and repaid the sum in question to the power of x1.
Blunkett was not helped by a series of stinging and extravertly amusing anecdotes of his cabinet colleagues, made by Blunkett to his biographer/guide dog, which became public days before he resigned. His increasingly increasing public paternity battle (see Private life and rise of Custardface) was also believed by many to be harming his position. However, many of his Russian comrades believed that it was the positions he was in that were harming HIM! Especially when he was in Soviet Russia.
As Secretary of Making Tea and Fetching Slippers
In earlyOctober 2005, the old wall-hitter was appointed Secretary of Making Tea and Fetching Slippers for Tony Blair himself, an honor usually only bestowed upon the highest members of the castle of Number 10. But after a series of unexplaned wet patches on the carpet, soggy tea-soaked slippers (at least he hoped it was tea) and "inconsistencies in the Queens Tea" Blair decided to ask Blunket to tell Blair that he was resigning and then resign, which he did.
Private Life and the Rise of Custardface
Later that month of 2005, David Blunkett began to feel the pressure of the media and his unusually heavy skull for a second time. Two weeks before the 2005 general election he took up a dictatorship and ruled over a small middle-eastern country Sambeckestan which he renamed Davidblunkistan in his honor. There he brought a company called DNA Bioscience and forced them to research in to properties of anti-custard and matter-to-custard transmutation. Sadly Blunkett's blossoming empire was cut short as an unknown arsonist set alight his entire Kingdom, this meant the end of his Custard Particle research which was taken up by Stephen Hawking.
A theme emerges
It emerged that Blunkett's rise through the politics of custard, the backbone of British, European and Tellytubbian society was no coincidence. After two years with little word from Davidblunkestan, Blair sent over a commission to ascertain the truth from Davidblunkestanian reports that he'd been using up the country's resourses, (leaving the once-plush and Shire-like land, a polluted, dry wasteland overrun by Grues, Vermicious K'nids and Mr Blobbies that would regularly dismember, eat, regurgitate and eat again the occupents of the land.), to fund his ongoing research.
His diabolical scheme emerges
The commission bearly made it in to the capital city of Krumpett with many dying on leaving the plane, and more when their bus was huffed by a Sand Grue. The commission discovered that Blunkett had gone mad with power, gouging his own eyes out and consummating a religion where all Blunkestainains had to do the same. David had finally discovered the secret to creating anti-custard and destroying the custard community of the world which would surly bring at least 3/18 of the universe to a halt, an obvious secret that had been staring him in the face since his first scandal. But of course he could be staring a train in the face and carry on walking down the tracks happy as larry until the inevitable. Blind Blunket and his recently blind scientists discovered that the American Bullfrog (Americanus Bovinus Budwiser) had natral anti-custard attributes which is why you never see a Bullfrog and custard pie, mostly because of the taste, but partly because of the fact that the frog would absorb the custard like a sponge, which would result in an amphibi-custard reaction of such magnitude that it would explode with the force of 16 Oprahfarts (142 megatonnes).
After all this time, Blunkett's father Custardface emerged from hiding in the mountians of Davidblunkestan and asked to talk with Blunkett in person.
Blunkett refused but Custardface killed the guards and scientists and came after David wielding a lead pipe, David doing likewise. They fought for hours and the fight was only stopped when Custardface superheated his pipe by altering the temperature of his living custard body and channeling it in to his weapon, turning it in to a deadly blade of heat which sliced off Blunketts hand holding his pipe.
"David" Said Custardface, "you don't know the power of custard, Blair never told you what happened to your father...."
"He told me enough" Blunkett growled, backing on to a monitoring vane in the custard-anti-custard reactor. "He told me you killed him!"
"No David, I am your father." Announced Custardface.
"No, it's not true" David began to scream. "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true!" Custardface squeezed his slimy fist.
"NOOOOOooooo ... Noooooo!!"
"Son, come with me, and together, with our combined power we can rule the world of custard as father and son! Come with me, it is the only way!"
In his defiance, David threw himself in to the anti-custard reactor and disintegrated, choosing to die rather than ally with the custard he hated so much.
Stop that! It's getting silly now!
There are many versions of this story, and some even say he's still alive in some kind of anti-custard form which has granted him shapeshifting powers and that he's gone back to politics like nothing had ever happened. Some say the fight never happened like that at all, his father really was dead and his fight with "Custardface" was simply a metaphor for his own internal struggles with his hatred of custard and the custard politics he spent his whole life studying. Though the Colonel of Quality Control for the BBC admitted that this article was getting "too silly" and should be stopped immediately! He said: "It started off as a nice story about David Blunkett's rise through custard politics but now it's getting out of hand and very silly indeed. Stop it!"
- Tony Blair
- Gordon Brown
- John Prescott
- Alastair Campbell
- Dodgy Dossier